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I posted the letter i was planning on sending the admissions committee a while back but ive revised and was hoping to hear any last minute comments. overall, is it clear enough to them how much i want to go to cornell, without sounding desperate? its a bit long, but i think everything i included is relevant so i cant really fix that

Dear Cornell admissions committee,
I understand that the Cornell admissions committee is very busy reviewing applications for the Fall 2004 term and I would like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read this letter.
As an early decision applicant, I was and I continue to be wholeheartedly set on attending Cornell in the fall and although I was deferred, I would like to use this as an opportunity to express my reasons for applying/going to Cornell University.
Since my sophomore year of high school, I was curious in finding out more about Cornell and I had heard many great things about the university. Ezra Cornell had stated that he wanted to find an institution where anyone can find instruction in any study and I hoped to have the same opportunity to attend this type of institution. My interest led me to enroll in the six-week classes in the summer of 2003 and as soon as I arrived on campus, I knew I would return shortly to pursue and enjoy four years of study in Ithaca. The genuinely friendly atmosphere, reputable professors, and amazing campus facilities were all reasons I chose to apply early decision. Cornell is my number on choice because although I have visited numerous colleges here on the west coast, none provide the same benefits and opportunities as your university.
I realize the committee looks for a well-rounded student who will contribute greatly to the university and although my standardize test scores and grades are not perfect, I plan on bringing many other qualities to the university and assure you that I will always pursue each day with determination to make the best of the resources offered. One attribute that I hope to bring to Cornell is my love for community activism. Through out my four years in high school, I have participated in various activities that benefit the residents and wildlife in my community. This year, I wanted to personally reach out to the less fortunate people in my community. Volunteering and tutoring students at the homeless shelter has connected me with my community and I have also decided to continue this sort of social work in college. I will make the best of the resources available in college and I understand the course load at Cornell, especially for a science major, is rigorous but I would never hesitate to ask for assistance. From freshmen to senior year, I have registered for difficult course loads and I will continually work with diligence as my classes get harder in college.
Since turning in my application a few months ago, my recent activities during senior year include joining clubs such as Amnesty International, an organization founded to help promote awareness of social problems around the world and American Red Cross. As aforementioned, I am volunteering at the local homeless shelter and also organizing a donation drive of old study guides that could be of use to the students at the shelter. I am also searching for employment during the summer and hopefully, I will have a job confirmed shortly. My course load contains two equally difficult Advanced Placement math courses, Statistics and Calculus, and other rigorous classes and although it has been a struggle to allot equal time for each of my classes, I have worked diligently in all my courses. My emphasis in the areas of math will prepare me for the work attached with chemistry major and also familiarize me with the concepts stressed in this science. I understand the course load at Cornell, especially for a science major, is rigorous but I would not take the privilege of attending this university for granted and will work assiduously from freshmen to senior year.
In conclusion, I am still eager to attend Cornell University and I hope that my enthusiasm and devotion to/in attending your institution will speak more than simply my grades and academic status alone. Once again, thank you very much for your time and patience and have a nice day.

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 03:32 pm: Edit

First: proofread! You have made more than a fair number of grammatical errors and even misspelled a few words.

Some that jump out:

freshmen to senior year (freshman)

As aforementioned (not acceptable)

standardize test scores and grades (standardized)

The tense changes contantly, and your participles are dangling all over the place.

The letter, as written, will hurt you more than it will help you.

Just my humble opinion; I mean no offense.

By Stargazrlilychk (Stargazrlilychk) on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 04:01 pm: Edit

here's some small edits that might help it flow better:


Dear Cornell Admissions Committee,
I understand that the Committee is very busy reviewing applications for the Fall 2004 term, and I would like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read this letter.
As an early decision applicant, I was and continue to be wholeheartedly set on attending Cornell in the fall, and, although I was deferred, I would like to use this as an opportunity to express my reasons for applying/going to Cornell University.
Since my sophomore year of high school, I have been interested in Cornell's program. Ezra Cornell said that he wanted to found "an institution where anyone can find instruction in any study", and I hope to have the same opportunity to attend this type of institution. My curiosity led me to enroll in the six-week session last summer, and as soon as I arrived on campus, I knew I wanted to return to pursue and enjoy four years of study in Ithaca. The genuinely friendly atmosphere, reputable professors, and amazing campus facilities were all reasons I chose to apply early decision. Cornell is my number one choice, because, although I have visited numerous colleges here on the west coast, none seem to have the same benefits and opportunities as a Cornell education.
I realize the committee looks for well-rounded students who will contribute greatly to the university, and, although my standardized test scores and grades are not perfect, I plan on bringing my many other qualities and talents to the Cornell community. I assure you that I will make the best of the resources offered. One attribute that I hope to bring to Cornell is my love for community activism. Throughout my four years in high school, I have participated in various activities that benefit the welfare of residents and wildlife in my community. This year, I felt a need to personally reach out to the less fortunate in my community. Volunteering and tutoring students at my local homeless shelter has connected me with my community and I am certain I will continue this type of social work in college.
I understand the course load is rigorous at Cornell, especially for a science major, but I would never hesitate to ask for assistance. From freshmen to senior year, I have taken very difficult course loads, and I will contine to work with diligence as my classes get harder in college.
Since turning in my application a few months ago, my additional activities during senior year include joining clubs such as Amnesty International, an organization founded to help promote awareness of social problems around the world and the American Red Cross. As I previously mentioned, I am continuing to volunteer at the local homeless shelter and also organizing a donation drive of old study guides that could be of use to the students at the shelter. My course load contains two equally difficult Advanced Placement math courses, Statistics and Calculus, and other rigorous classes. Although it has been a struggle to allot equal time for each of my classes, I have worked diligently in all my courses. My emphasis in the areas of math and science will prepare me for the work associated with the chemistry major and also familiarize me with the concepts stressed in this science.
In conclusion, I am still eager to attend Cornell University and I hope that my enthusiasm and devotion to attending will speak more than simply my grades and academic status alone. Once again, thank you very much for your time and consideration.

By Bjclamhair (Bjclamhair) on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 04:54 pm: Edit

This letter is entirely too long. If I as a curious reader lose the desire to read it, then a busy admissions staff member won't either. Keep it brief, and make your important points by the second paragraph.

By Penn08please (Penn08please) on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 06:11 pm: Edit

Never say things along the lines, "although my standardized test scores and grades are not perfect". You don't want to point out your weakness/lower confidence in academic ability to the admissions office. I would concentrate a little more on the whole homeless shelter program (not Amnesty International, etc. Your a senior, they don't care if you're still joining clubs. In many respects, it looks as though it is a desperate plee to rack up more activities to present to the committee). I'd suggest sending the letter, because it will reveal to the admissions committee that you haven't moved on and will still likely enroll if admitted. Good luck.

By Crnllorbust (Crnllorbust) on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 09:03 pm: Edit

wow this post was a long time ago, i forgot about it. anywho, yes i drastically changed it and sent it in about 2 months ago i think. the one i posted was just a rough draft but thanks for all your guys' help, good luck!