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Hey all, I have been asked by a guidance counseller to fill out a "personal resume". Please take a look, and PLEASE tell me how to improve it to make myself look a little better. I am especially looking for help in the "3 adjective section" as well as the "Self Description" section. Thanks!

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Data Form For College Recommendation:


4. Extracurricular activates
-Bridge Club 9th grade (club collapsed) 1 hr. a week
-Chess Club and team 10-12 (1-3 hr. a week) have played well in tournaments
-Student Government Representative 9-11 (I plan on running for a leadership position in 12th)
-Math Club/Team 9-12 (1hr. a week every 2/3 weeks)
-Volunteering at my Temple serving as a teachers aid 10-12 (3 hrs. ever week)
-I also volunteer at my temple to help out during the high holidays (about 15 hours a weekend, for 2 weekends a year)
-Have started tutoring underclassmen in Math (haven’t really spent more than an hour so far, however now Xavier and I have developed a schedule, so I am hoping we will be able to spend at least 1-2 hours a week together!)

Athletics:
Arlington County Baseball 9-12 (3 hours a week)
Arlington Country Basketball 9-12 (3 hours a week)
I was never good enough to make a school team, but I tried out every year!

Other involvement:
I work part-time at a local pharmacy. I have been working there for 1½ years now, which will be 3 by the time I graduate. Generally I work 16 hours per week during the school year, 30-35 hours per week during the summer. I have progressively been given increasing leadership roles: ranging from an assistant manager to pharmaceutical technician.

Most of my hobbies are science/engineering based. I have created a few small inventions (none patented). I have also always done very well in Science fair competitions. In 10th grade I got second place in the Yorktown school fair. I was not able to attend the regional fair due to a death in the family.

This year (junior) I won first place at the Yorktown science fair, first place at the Regional fair, “Best in Fair” prize at the regional fair. I also won a special award from the U.S. department of Navel research at the regional fair. At the Virginia state science fair I won second place, and again received a special award, this time from the American Dental Association. They recognized me as an “outstanding young scientist” and will have a 1-page article describing me in the next issue of their magazine. I have also been nominated to attend the international science fair, the highest possible competition, where I expect to do fairly well. In addition, I have been nominated to attend the Virginia Junior Academy of Science, where I expect to do very well.
I spent approximately 2 ½ hours on my project every day, starting 9/7/02 and ending 2/9/03. I am now in daily e-mail contact with graduate students at Duke and N.C. State University who are in the process of replicating my project.

Other important activities in my life are maintaining my online business (approximately 1-2 hours a week) and caring for my collection of 5 reptiles. I am a member of the Virginia Herpetological Society as well as the Washington Herp. Society.

Summer Activates:
This past summer:
I spent a large portion of time working at the pharmacy. I also began organizing and working in a program called Cyber Seniors. We are a non-profit organization that is dedicated to helping the Arlington senior population who feel “out of the loop” comfortable with technology (3-5 hours a week, every week during the summer)

This upcoming summer:
I plan to continue working at the drug store as well as with the Cyber Senior program. I also plan to get an internship working in a neurological science laboratory in Bethesda, Maryland. I am also hoping to have the opportunity to do research at Georgetown University over the summer relating to my science project for this year (I doubt this will happen, but I won’t know if I will able to until very late). I also plan to work with underprivileged children, “Project Extra Sleep” (Time commitment at this point is unknown, I am guessing anywhere from 3-5 hours per week, however).

5. Career Thoughts
Although I am fairly undecided about what I want to do, I do know that it will be something in either science or math. One possible option is a medical research scientist, or possibly becoming a physician. However, I very much enjoy teaching others (especially if it is science or math!) and have not ruled out becoming a teacher of some sort.


6. Colleges
Of the colleges I have visited, UVA, William and Mary, as well as Cornell really stood out to me. At this point, any one of these schools may be my first choice. The thing I liked most about the schools (this applies to them all) was that the students there were incredibly friendly and approachable. UVA and Cornell especially, just kind of “felt” right, I am not sure if I can put my finger on one specific thing, rather, I just had this feeling that said that to me I could easily see myself enjoying and making the most of 4 years here. Also, UVA and Cornell (especially Cornell) have very strong science programs in every department.

7. Self-Description
Three adjectives
A Inquiring, B Friendly, C Helpful

8. Personal Strengths
Academically, my personal strengths lie in math and science. Despite my attempts to become an A+ history scholar, I believe I have more of an aptitude for quantitative reasoning. As far as personal strengths, I pride myself on my ability to work well with others and make friends easily. I am also proud of the fact that I am able to communicate/relate with people of all generations and cultural backgrounds.

9. Self-Description
I get the most satisfaction in my life from helping others learn a new a task. Most recently, this has come from my experience working with senior citizens both at the drug store and especially in the Cyber Seniors program. Perhaps one of my happiest moments was watching 85-year old Mrs. Jones* receive a picture of her newborn grandchild VIA the Internet.
The things I value most in the people around me are honesty, loyalty, friendliness, a strong work-ethic, as well as being able to “do what you do” and enjoy life the way you want to, not they way anyone else tells you too.
On the flip side, I try hard to make sure that these same qualities are seen in me. If could pick only one quality for other people to see in me; I would like to be thought of as a decent person.
The thing I most desire in life is being able to have a self-satisfying job that allows me to help others as well as enjoy my own personal interests.
I am proud of myself for being a respectful, honest, hard-working individual. However, if I could change one aspect of my personality, I would make myself more patient and understanding.


*Name changed

By Zerostylus (Zerostylus) on Saturday, April 19, 2003 - 09:39 pm: Edit

didn't read it all
bridge and collapsed? trying to be punny? don't. it's not professional.

as well, don't write down things you haven't done yet. (planning on running for leadership)? who cares if you haven't done it. unless they specifically ask you for your plans in the future. it means nothing to them.

By Montydsw11 (Montydsw11) on Saturday, April 19, 2003 - 11:47 pm: Edit

This is just for a guidance counseller, she said she is beginning to write my college rec letter. She asked me for my future plans, so I guess she is just going to assume I will do them and put them in the letter anyway. I am only a junior now...

Thanks

By Fender1 (Fender1) on Sunday, April 20, 2003 - 02:04 am: Edit

If this was copy and pasted, i would advise you that there is a spelling error under athletics,
you put Arlington country instead of county for basketball.

By Montydsw11 (Montydsw11) on Sunday, April 20, 2003 - 09:06 am: Edit

thanks Fender, it was. I appreciate it!

By Sluggbugg (Sluggbugg) on Sunday, April 20, 2003 - 04:14 pm: Edit

You were very brave to put your resumé out there for anybody to critique, so I figure you deserve a solid response. I'm running on coffee and a handful of chocolate eggs, so I apologize in advance for my own crappy self-editing! Happy Easter!

Overall, your piece is a little wordy, so let's chop it down to size.

Under "Extracurricular Activities," delete "(club collapsed)." Say "Chess Club/Team" like you did with "Math Club/Team." Use a semi-colon in the line, "Chess Club/Team, 1-3 hrs/week (10-12); have played well in tournaments." In general, I'd suggest a comma before hours per week/month, and use parenthenses around grade years.

Be more specific about your student government rep postions, e.g. Student Council Class Representative (9-10); Treasurer (11). Delete the parenthenses and say, "I plan on running for a senior leadership positiion."

Say, "Volunteer at my temple as a teacher's aide...," and in next sentence, "Volunteer to help out at my temple during the high holidays, 2 weekends/year, 15 hours each weekend."

Say, "Math tutor for underclassmen (junior year)." Delete everything about scheduling with Xavier. The important part is the tutoring.

Under "Athletics," don't say, "I was never good enough..." Drop that whole last sentence. You don't want to self-depricate. You want to promote your strengths, not your weaknesses. Fix the typo on "Arlington County," not "Country."

Under "Other involvement," call it "Work Experience." Separate "11/2 years" into "1-1/2 years," or better yet, state it as a period of time, "October 2001 to current." Say, "I have been given increasing leadership roles, ranging from..." Delete the colon and drop the word "progressively."

Next paragraph about your science fair awards, subtitle this section, "Achievements and Awards." Instead of, "Most of my hobbies are science/engineering based..." say, "Many of my interests are in the areas of science and engineering." Your science fair accomplishments are more than hobbies.

The paragraph below about your reptiles and your memberships in the herpetological societies can more accurately be called, "Hobbies."

Say, "I have always done well in science fair competitions." No cap on "science" when it's used as a descriptive term, rather than the name of something. Spell out "tenth grade," and delete the sentence about not being able to attend due to a death in the family. That's TMI, and explaining this little gap in time isn't vital to the overall impression.

Next paragraph: "This year (junior) I took first place at the Yorktown science fair, and I won the Best in Fair (italicized) first prize at the regional fair."

Capitalize, "U.S. Department of Naval Research," and "Virginia State Science Fair." About the ADA article, say "...'outstanding young scientist' (I'm quoting you with single quotes, but keep the double quotes) and will publish an article about my work in the May 2003 issue of their magazine." Delete, "...where I expect to do fairly well," in both of the following sentences. Emphasize your experience, not your expectations.

Delete the amount of time you spent on the project (or state it more concisely). Again, it's TMI. Keep the part about consulting with grad students who are replicating your project. Wow!

Drop "Upcoming Summer Acvities," and combine all of your info under one subtitle called, "Summer Activities." You want to say something like, "In addition to working at the pharmacy for the past year and a half, I founded (i.e. if you started this organization, or if you helped start it, you can say that you co-founded) a program called, Cyber Seniors (italicized). Use a comma instead of parenthenses around, "...3 to 5 hours a week, every week during the summer."

Delete, "(I doubt this will happen...)." There is no need to hedge! The relevant and important thing to emphasize is your ambition toward future goals and the steps you will take to accomplish those goals. If your plans change, fine, but you can certainly state your goals.

Start a new paragraph, "I also plan to work with underprivileged children in, (italicized) Project Extra Sleep." Give a brief description, like you did with Cyber Seniors. Lose the parenthenses, and say that you estimate a time commitment of 3 to 5 hours a week. Don't say that you're guessing about anything.

Most of the stuff that you've put in parenthenses is pertinent and relevant info, so you don't want to relegate it to parenthenses, as if it's extraneous info. If it's important and directly relates to the content, set it off with a comma, or create a new sentence.

Under "Career Thoughts," be a little more confident about the direction you might take. Say, "Although I am fairly undecided about what I want to do, I do know that it will be something in either science or math. I am interested in becoming either a physician or a medical research scientist. I enjoy teaching others very much, especially if it's science and math, and would also consider a career in education."

Under "Colleges," just shorten it all up. You write with such great personality! "Of the colleges I have visited, three stood out, UVA, William and Mary, and Cornell." Delete the next superfluous sentence, "At this point...first choice." Delete "(this applies to...)." Lose the quotations around "felt" and clarify which college felt especially right, UVA or Cornell. Put a period after "...one specific thing." It's not clear which college you could see yourself at. Delete "(especially Cornell)..." It adds nothing to your point. Delete "...in every department," and end the sentence with "...have very strong science programs."

"Self Description" -- great! "Personal Strengths," start with, "My academic strengths lie in math and science." Delete "Despite my attempts..." and start the next sentence with, "I believe that I have an aptitude for quantitative reasoning in these areas." Then, talk about your personal strengths. Use the word "and" instead of a slash between "communicate" and "relate."

Okay, almost done! "Self Description" is your strongest area. Nice description of 85-year old Mrs. Jones! "Via" is not capitalized, it's just plain "via" the Internet, and it's probably her great-grandchild if she's 85 years old.

You've got a long, awkward, run-on sentence going with, "The things I value most in people are..." Break it down into "...a strong work ethic, and enjoying life the way you want to." I think you're going for independence and self-determination, but your own words will work just as well.

Lose, "On the flip side," and start the sentence with, "I try hard to make sure that...in me." In the sentence, "If I could pick only one quality for other people to see in me, I would like to..." use a comma instead of a semi-colon.

Say, a "satisfying job," not a self-satifying job. I think you're going for a job that satisfies the person rather than a job that satisfies itself!

Last, but not least, end with that great sentence, "I am proud of myself for being...hard-working individual." That's an honest and mature statement of who you think you are.

You don't want to end on a negative note by saying that you might not be a very patient or understanding person. Yikes!

By Bn37 (Bn37) on Sunday, April 20, 2003 - 04:44 pm: Edit

what colleges have good programs in navel research?

By Montydsw11 (Montydsw11) on Sunday, April 20, 2003 - 09:12 pm: Edit

Wow, thanks a lot Sluggbugg and others for all the help. I really appreciate it!!!

By Montydsw11 (Montydsw11) on Monday, May 05, 2003 - 09:18 pm: Edit

Thanks all, anyone have final thoughts before I turn this in? And to answer your quesiton BN37,I know that a bunch of the VA tidewater schools have superb naval research programs...