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This is a practice app essay i wrote...
read it, my friends say it's really good.
please comment


(from Stanford MBA)
ESSAY A: What matters most to you, and why?
This essay is very open-ended and there is no "right" response. This essay is a story about you, about your beliefs, about your passions. Write about something that is important to you -- not what you think is important to us -- and write it from your own perspective. It should be descriptive and told in a straightforward and sincere way. It also should be a story only you can tell, which means describing not just what they are, but also "how" and "why" those things have shaped your conduct and attitudes in your personal and professional life.

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Often, during my middle school years, I’ve questioned the purpose of schooling. There was no fun in it, so why not go play pc games or shoot some hoops? However, my parents were the typical sort of the over obsessive Asian parents. I was a major slacker and yet they forced me to play the piano, violin, take Chinese class, and other activities that were definitely not of my preference. I thought of the ideal state in which I could do what I wanted to do, whenever, and wherever.

As I grew older, my ideas changed and I realized the importance of getting into a good college. I started working harder during the freshman year of high school. Nonetheless, I again started to question the point of my endeavor to get to a good college. Would the hard work pay off? I began to have a habit of questioning myself occasionally whenever I had to do something undesirable. After all, what is point if there is no purpose? After much thought, I noticed a trend with my answers. I, as probably human nature would suggest, tended to initially do things with the direct purpose in mind. I worked hard to make myself desirable to prestigious universities. I wanted to study at a good college so I would have the career to earn the respect and money, and then to finally be financially secured as an adult. But aside from the specific desires, I realized the ultimate goal in mind was happiness. As a child, when life was more of dependence, I wanted the happiness and pleasure immediately and directly. I noticed that as I grew up and became more independent, the hard work was indirectly the means to obtain happiness!

Happiness has always been what I valued most even without knowing it. There are many forms of it such as the humor of the levity in everyday jokes, love in any relationship between friends, family and lover, and the enjoyment from any hobby one pursues. Happiness also is excitement in a rollercoaster ride, the relaxation in a sleep after a day’s work, and definitely the fulfillment of acceptance into college after a very studious high school career. Its versatility should also be noted. Happiness can be given and returned overwhelmingly by knowing the gratitude of the recipient. Thus happiness has its application in every daily thing one does and is intrinsically tied as one of the purposes of existence itself.

However, happiness is not inexhaustible. Because happiness is also relative emotion, it cannot exist without sorrow. Like yin and yang, happiness has its opposite counterpart, grief. Since there are ups and downs in life, happiness and grief are in constant flux. One needs to experience the grief to distinguish bliss. Nonetheless, throughout the vicissitudes and pitfalls of life, I choose to always keep my hope up that happiness will come for I see no purpose in being gloomed by gloom. Ultimately, happiness may be said to even reflect one’s nature and temperament, way of life, and response to sadness.

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By Princewilvard (Princewilvard) on Saturday, October 09, 2004 - 11:57 am: Edit

I would tweak this a little bit. It's well written, but you don't sound like you have any love for learning. You say that there is "no fun" in school and mention that you work "to make [yourself] desirable to prestigious universities" so that you can get a good job and make good money.

The last paragraph is really great, and I would keep working with it, but I would definitely take out the parts I quoted. I hope I helped.

By Jm2006 (Jm2006) on Saturday, October 09, 2004 - 12:46 pm: Edit

"Often, during my middle school years, I’ve questioned the purpose of schooling. "

Sounds haughty and pretentious. Change the wording. Also "slacker" is too casual. You don't want them to think you're a slacker.

"As I grew older, my ideas changed and I realized the importance of getting into a good college."

Hmmm. Might not want to let the admissions office that that's the only reason you started working hard. Also, are we noticing a pattern here? You start off with generalizations and support it with details. Nice for a history research paper, not so interesting in a personal one.

"I, as probably human nature would suggest, tended to initially do things with the direct purpose in mind."

Ugh. Are you 40 or what.

"There are many forms of it such as the humor of the levity in everyday jokes, love in any relationship between friends, family and lover, and the enjoyment from any hobby one pursues."

Blah blah blah too much objective pondering, too little self-reflection

"Happiness has always been what I valued most even without knowing it."

Thanks, Sherlock. Can you be a little more subtle?

As for the essay on the whole:

It's boring. You don't define what happiness is to YOU, you don't give examples of what makes YOU happy, in fact, you don't tie this into yourself at all except for at the very beginning.

DO you think Stanford really gives a crap what happiness is? Duh, of course not. They care about why they should accept YOU, and what qualities you have that sounds good on their alumni mailings. This means that any insinuations that you used to or still only work with material goals in mind (like a brand-name college) flashes DANGER in big red letters. It's also far too wordy.

You approach this essay like a math proof. Don't.

By Tigeruppercut (Tigeruppercut) on Saturday, October 09, 2004 - 01:12 pm: Edit

lol, okay thanks for the tips!

By Zoso17 (Zoso17) on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 06:38 pm: Edit

Your writing style shows potential, but the topic you chose is highly overused. You should also consider that it sounds like you don't like academic challenges, which is a very bad thing. If you revamp the way you approach the topic and don't mention the cliche strict asian parents thing you should have a pretty good essay.