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During my kindergarten year in school my teacher made a profound impact on my life which I was not able to appreciate until much later on in my life, changing my intellectual behavior permanently. At some point in my kindergarten year my school was planning on administering a test in order to see what students would be admitted into their “challenge” courses, a course which excelled the learning pace and taught more complex material, providing a fundamentally sound intellectual base to build on. The day the school was administering this test I was sick, but my teacher came all the way to my house in order to have me take the test, showing that she was dedicated to help her students at any cost. At the time I probably couldn’t have thought of anything worse to do, no kid wants to even think of school when they are sick, let alone take a test. I was more than content just sitting at home that day, eating popsicles, and watching “The Price is Right.” Knowing I deserved to be in that class, my teacher told me that taking this test would help me out later in life, her implications I wouldn’t understand until much later in life. Needless to say, I took the tests and was eventually accepted into the challenge classes my elementary school had to offer, an honor that I accredit much of intellectual aptitude to.
Through junior high school I amassed knowledge and maturity that would help assist me in high school, improving my work ethic and sense of pride in my academic work. I was enlisted in all of the accelerated courses of my junior high and became very active on my Academic Bowl team. While being part of the Academic Bowl team, I was also involved in basketball. Being part of a team helped me to realize that even if one person or part fails the whole team can dismantle, but on the same account if those people work hard they can overcome any challenges that may be presented to them.
As I entered into high school, I entered into the most fun years of my life, each year surpassing the expectations I had for myself both academically and socially. Academically my freshman year was least challenging, but it was also my least rewarding year. As a freshman I took the most challenging classes I could take, but they weren’t enough to appease my hunger for intelligence. As a result, my grades weren’t as high as they have been in the past years because I wasn’t willing to concentrate on the monotonous subject matter. Since then I have learned that it is necessary to concentrate on all subject matter because you only get what you put in. As the year rolled on I began to find my niche in extracurricular activities, becoming active in Key Club, Student Council, and the golf team.
At the end of my freshman year I was elected as the secretary of Key Club, a job which I have held since the time of election. As a Key Clubber I have learned what service means to me, I have learned that too much of my life was spent on worrying about me, when I should be looking to help the less fortunate around me. While sleeping under the stars in a cardboard box, I began to think of how much easy life is for me, I don’t have to worry where my next meal will come from or where I can go so I don’t have to freeze myself at night. This transpired at our Key Club’s homeless sleep out that help raise awareness and also help raise money and food for a local homeless shelter, by having participants sleep out all night inside of a cardboard box.
During my sophomore and junior year I began to hone skills that I knew would help me through college. I received a few awards, namely the Hugh O’ Brian Youth Leadership award and the Bausch and Lomb Science award, which I take great pride in. Also, during my sophomore and junior year I took a total of 4 AP classes, and often times the work frustrating, but I kept on working and couldn’t have been more satisfied with my results.
I met an unlikely friend in my junior year that would effectively go on to change my views on life and life outside of the United States, his name was Leonardo Santin and he was a foreign exchange student from Brazil. Leo was always known for saying “Relax”, and I carry that philosophy with me today. He helped me to realize that when things aren’t going your way you have to relax and not let your emotions take over. He also conveyed a whole new cultural environment, which has intrigued me to further my knowledge of culture of people who have different lifestyles than me. It is overtly important to have an open mind when entering into any new situation in life, whether it be meeting a new person or visiting a foreign country.
Through all my hard work in previous years I have also set lofty goals, including continuing to excel in a college environment. I feel I will be able to exceed my standards of academic excellence, cultural diversification, and community service at the University of Illinois. This new environment will allow me to express my freedom, but also will provide a relaxed setting to embark on an intellectual adventure.


I know it is a little longer, but this is just a rough draft. Let me know what you think I shold throw out and what I should keep.

By Midwesterner (Midwesterner) on Tuesday, October 05, 2004 - 10:09 am: Edit

Try breaking this into more paragraphs. Every time you change topics, make a break. I think you'll see that you turn and twist in direction more than you should.

You'll need to tighten up the language A LOT. It seems very wordy. Pretend that you have to do a rewrite for the evening news broadcast. Then, read it aloud and see if it communicates what you feel.

By Onesweetworld87 (Onesweetworld87) on Tuesday, October 05, 2004 - 10:26 pm: Edit

During my kindergarten year my teacher made a profound impact on my life which I was unable to appreciate until later on in life, changing my intellectual behavior permanently. My school was planning on administering a test in order to see which students would be admitted into their “challenge” courses, a course which excelled the learning pace and taught more complex material, providing a fundamentally sound intellectual base to build on. The day the school was administering this test I was sick, but my teacher came all the way to my house in order to have me take the test. At the time I probably couldn’t have thought of anything worse to do, no kid wants to even think of school when they are sick, let alone take a test, and I was more than content just sitting at home that day, eating popsicles, and watching “The Price is Right.” Knowing I deserved to be in that class, my teacher told me that taking this test would help me out later in life, I wouldn’t understand her implications until much later. Needless to say, I took the tests and was eventually accepted into the challenge classes my elementary school had to offer, an honor that I accredit much of my intellectual aptitude to.

Through junior high school I amassed knowledge and maturity that would assist me in high school, improving my work ethic and sense of pride. I was enlisted and excelled in all of the accelerated courses of my junior high and became very active on the Academic Bowl team. Being part of a team helped me to realize that even if one person or part fails the whole team can dismantle, but on the same account if people work hard they can overcome any challenge.

Before I entered my freshman year I was able to choose the classes I wanted to be in, a privilege I held for the first time. Along with this privilege came the responsibility of directing my way through four years of high school. At this point I realized that I held my success of high school in the palm of my hand. I knew that it was necessary to take classes that would challenge me in ways I hadn’t been challenged before, allowing me to widen my intellectual and emotional scope.

During my freshman year I realized that although grades were important, being involved in other activities was just as important, and at the end of my freshman year I was elected as the secretary of Key Club, a job which I have held since the time of election. Whether it was sleeping in a cardboard box at a homeless sleep out, running through traffic to collect change for a bucket brigade, or participating in Relay for life, I began to realize the importance of giving back to a community that has given me so much. By attending three of our district’s Key Club conventions, I was able to meet kids who have the same goals and motivations that I have. These conventions fueled me to reach out and make an impact on not only my school but also my community.

They say hard work often goes unnoticed, but I found this wasn’t the case during my sophomore and junior year. During my sophomore year I was recognized by my high school as a dedicated youth leader and I was given the Hugh O’ Brian Youth Leadership award. This was a great confidence booster in the fact that it made me realize hard work will pay off in the end. Also, during my junior year I received the Bausch and Lomb Science award, an award that chooses one student who excels in science as voted on by the teachers in the science field.

I met an unlikely friend in my junior year that would effectively go on to change my views on life both in and out of the United States, his name was Leonardo Santin and he was a foreign exchange student from Brazil. Leo was always known for saying “Relax”, and I carry that philosophy with me today, not allowing my emotions to get the best of me. He also taught me about his culture, which has intrigued me to further my knowledge of the customs of people who partake in different lifestyles. It is overtly important to have an open mind when entering into any new situation in life, whether it be meeting a new person or visiting a foreign country.

Through all my hard work in previous years I have also set lofty goals, including continuing to excel in a college environment. I feel I will be able to exceed my standards of academic excellence, cultural diversification, and community service at the University of Illinois. This new environment will allow me to express my freedom, but also will provide a relaxed setting to embark on an intellectual adventure.

Please tell me if this is any better and if there are more things I should change. Thanks to anyone who helps me

By Midwesterner (Midwesterner) on Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 10:17 am: Edit

"a course which excelled the learning pace"
Wrong verb.

"providing a ... base to build on"
Redundant.

"The day the school was administering this test"
Try "the day the test was administered"

"I was enlisted and excelled in all of the accelerated courses"
Drop "was enlisted"

"an unlikely friend in my junior year that would effectively go on to change my views "
Use "who" instead of "that"

Go through it again and see if some of the commas can be replaced by semi-colons. Many sentences do run on, but I think that is your personal style, and you shouldn't adopt someone else's just for effect.

If this were my child's essay, I would advise him to show more and list less. Also, the paragraph about the Braxilian friend sounds somewhat forced. Good luck with your efforts - you sound like an excellent candidate for U of I.

By Onesweetworld87 (Onesweetworld87) on Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 03:50 pm: Edit

Thanks for the help! I am showing it to my English teacher and he is going to read through it and give me some tips also.

By Onesweetworld87 (Onesweetworld87) on Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 04:05 pm: Edit

Also the reason it is forced about the Brazillian friend is because we are supposed to hit on the topic of cultural diversity, and I had no clue what else to talk about. The town and school I come from is not very diverse at all.