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Hey everyone, I'd really appreciate some help on this essay, I was just wondering if I was going in the right direction or if anyone had any constructive criticism, that would be great! Thanks!!
Here's the prompt:
Each candidate for admission possesses qualities not necessarily visible in a list of activities and achievements. We have found that an essay is an effective way to gain a more complete and fair understanding of a candidate for admission. We will leave the choice of a topic to you. Your essay should allow us to develop a sense of your effectiveness in written communications, and to understand more fully who you are and what you value.

The room was silent as I sat down on the bench. All eyes were on me. The ivories twinkled in the light as I took a deep breath and started to play. At first, the notes flowed like a calm stream or a soft gust of wind, but somewhere in the first few lines my fingers stopped responding to the commands my brain was giving them. Soon after my hands began to shake, and the shaking moved to my feet, trying to push the pedals. Shakily, I managed to finish, stood up, took the customary bow and walked outside the door. This was only in front of two judges. How was I going to play a Gershwin piece in front of a large group of people in three months?
I waited outside the door until one of the judges called me back in. She handed me my music and said she enjoyed hearing me play. They have to say that. Meanwhile, my hands were still shaking!
Having the ability to play an instrument does not automatically mean that one has the ability to perform that instrument. Some people are born performers. They love every minute onstage and cannot get enough applause. Things are much different for me. I am not a born performer; I know this. Ever since I started piano, I have had various recitals, usually two a year. One would think I would improve after years of performing, but it seems the opposite has happened to me. The older I get, the more afraid and nervous I become. I realized that I needed to reverse this trend if I was to truly utilize my talent.
The next six weeks consisted completely of the piano and me. Every extra moment I had, I spent practicing until I had Gershwin’s Prelude II perfect. Countless hours were spent listening to the click-click of the metronome attempting to nail the crazy jazz rhythm Gershwin is so famous for. I sat, all ears, each week, sometimes even twice a week, listening to my instructor, trying to see if I could gain a shiver of knowledge about the piece I had not clued into before. The cool bench of my Yamaha piano became my home, my sanctuary. In my room, I had the prelude playing on repeat trying to emulate Gershwin’s distinctive style. My family must have heard the piece a thousand times over, but I continued to improve on it.
Eventually, it was time for me to perform. Being a junior in high school, I was one of the oldest students of my piano instructor and therefore I was set to play second to last. As they say, waiting really is the hardest part, but instead of thinking about the places that trouble me when practicing, I let my mind sink into the music of others. Music can be so comforting when it’s needed. My mind drifted to my childhood when all I knew how to play was “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”
Sooner than expected, it was my turn to play. The cool bench felt just as it has felt the numerous times before, cold and slick. I took a deep breath, placed my hands on the piano and began to play, once more. In my mind, I was back at my house, playing just for me, like always. The audience didn’t matter. I just wanted to hear the music. Before I knew it, I had finished. The notes had come so effortlessly I hadn’t realized I was playing anymore. I paused for a moment and stood up. This time, then I took the customary bow with a large grin on my face, taking in all of the applause. I could see my parents and grandparents grinning from ear to ear, and I knew that I had overcome something important: fear of performing.
I have always played the piano just for me, but performing well while enjoying the piece being played evokes a new emotion: sheer ecstasy. While stage fright may seem like a small obstacle to overcome, anything is important if you believe in it.

By Emster2486 (Emster2486) on Wednesday, October 06, 2004 - 11:36 pm: Edit

Anyone??

By Jm2006 (Jm2006) on Thursday, October 07, 2004 - 05:51 pm: Edit

It's boring.

Sorry, it just is. There was a thread a couple months ago entitled "Your essays suck" that described the essay that EVERY single college applicant writes. The format is:

-Melodramatic description of a particular moment. "My heart thudded as the football sailed toward me..." "I clenched my fist, blood rushing to my head as a million eyes stared at me..."

-Boring background description of how you became interested in football/piano/dancing/violin/etc. and how you worked hard and it paid off.

-Cut back to present. Big moment passes, audience thunders in applause, standing ovation, whatever.

-Pseudo-intellectual musing about the importance of ____ in our lives. "I learned that it's not the results that count, but the journey." Ugh. Gag me.

Honestly, no offense but your essay fits this to a tee. Change the entire structure, try not to be so incredibly melodramatic, and be more honest and maybe it stands a chance.

PS- Get rid of all the passive tense.

By Pupsingh (Pupsingh) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 11:43 pm: Edit

ok i no this mite be wierd.


The Road to Sunlight
My palms were sweating as I was sitting in a shiny, blue rental van. I had a novel
in my hand, but could not open it because I couldn’t stop thinking about what was to come. Today was the day of the trip to Disneyland that I had been waiting for. However, I wasn’t waiting to get to Disneyland, I was waiting anxiously to get it over with, because I had a feeling that the trip wouldn’t be a success. All I cared about at this point was getting through the grueling, eight hour road trip without problems, so my dad wouldn’t feel like he had wasted all his effort planning this trip. As much as I hoped the mood wouldn’t suffer during the drive, I expected it to because I knew that my stepmother wouldn’t let peace shed its light. She was that kind of person--always trying to ruin anything that could possibly break the miserable conflict; a conflict that had resulted from her own selfishness. She thrived off the conflict because she didn’t want to be included in our family. Her goal was to try and be better than everybody, and she thought she was, because she was wealthy. Thus, I constantly expressed anger over this, which created a dark cloud over my step mom and I. As a result of this animosity, my family became disunited, and this road trip would be a test to see if the dispute could be repaired. The quarrel was not broken during this drive, and never would be. However, through various occurrences on the drive, I realized many truths about myself and society that I had no idea of hitherto.
They years preceding this trip were building blocks leading to tension in our family. It took long periods of fighting, arguing, and constant bickering to bring this clash to its peak. As a result, an annoying friction constantly hovered over us. Likewise, a gray cloud filled with thundering storms lingers over an area about to be struck with showers, the way tension loomed over our fragile family. Yet, it was time to look beyond this because the daunting years had given way to the morning of the trip, the same way gray clouds occasionally give way to rays of sunlight. Nevertheless, my situation was far from sunny. My stepmother, as usual, was constantly complaining and bickering about meaningless issues--her way of spoiling any excitement caused by the trip. This angered me because I knew she was doing this purposely, and I felt a need to retaliate. I stopped all conversation with my step mom and step brother, and to my delight, they were infuriated because they didn’t appreciate being shunned by me. However, my dad sent a frustrated look that said, “ Why cant’ you just deal with it?”. He wanted me to be patient with them, because it would make me a better person. Through my dad’s silent message, I now realize that it is often better to be patient than vindictive, because a vindictive attitude will only lead to further destruction. Conversely, a patient mindset will lead to personal improvement and will relieve unnecessary tension, because their meaningless tactics in reality had no effect on my life. This immense conflict that was taking form around me was created inside my mind. So in essence, I fell victim to my own consciousness. I had tortured myself and let this cloud continue to hover because of my own lack of tolerance. This moment better helped me understand that people are naturally impatient and vindictive, and that it is the obligation of people to better themselves by learning from frustration and anger. The day I got out of that van and into Disneyland, I looked up at the sky and the sun was shining down on me, because I, myself, had broken through the clouds.

By Pupsingh (Pupsingh) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 11:43 pm: Edit

ok i no this mite be wierd.


The Road to Sunlight
My palms were sweating as I was sitting in a shiny, blue rental van. I had a novel
in my hand, but could not open it because I couldn’t stop thinking about what was to come. Today was the day of the trip to Disneyland that I had been waiting for. However, I wasn’t waiting to get to Disneyland, I was waiting anxiously to get it over with, because I had a feeling that the trip wouldn’t be a success. All I cared about at this point was getting through the grueling, eight hour road trip without problems, so my dad wouldn’t feel like he had wasted all his effort planning this trip. As much as I hoped the mood wouldn’t suffer during the drive, I expected it to because I knew that my stepmother wouldn’t let peace shed its light. She was that kind of person--always trying to ruin anything that could possibly break the miserable conflict; a conflict that had resulted from her own selfishness. She thrived off the conflict because she didn’t want to be included in our family. Her goal was to try and be better than everybody, and she thought she was, because she was wealthy. Thus, I constantly expressed anger over this, which created a dark cloud over my step mom and I. As a result of this animosity, my family became disunited, and this road trip would be a test to see if the dispute could be repaired. The quarrel was not broken during this drive, and never would be. However, through various occurrences on the drive, I realized many truths about myself and society that I had no idea of hitherto.
They years preceding this trip were building blocks leading to tension in our family. It took long periods of fighting, arguing, and constant bickering to bring this clash to its peak. As a result, an annoying friction constantly hovered over us. Likewise, a gray cloud filled with thundering storms lingers over an area about to be struck with showers, the way tension loomed over our fragile family. Yet, it was time to look beyond this because the daunting years had given way to the morning of the trip, the same way gray clouds occasionally give way to rays of sunlight. Nevertheless, my situation was far from sunny. My stepmother, as usual, was constantly complaining and bickering about meaningless issues--her way of spoiling any excitement caused by the trip. This angered me because I knew she was doing this purposely, and I felt a need to retaliate. I stopped all conversation with my step mom and step brother, and to my delight, they were infuriated because they didn’t appreciate being shunned by me. However, my dad sent a frustrated look that said, “ Why cant’ you just deal with it?”. He wanted me to be patient with them, because it would make me a better person. Through my dad’s silent message, I now realize that it is often better to be patient than vindictive, because a vindictive attitude will only lead to further destruction. Conversely, a patient mindset will lead to personal improvement and will relieve unnecessary tension, because their meaningless tactics in reality had no effect on my life. This immense conflict that was taking form around me was created inside my mind. So in essence, I fell victim to my own consciousness. I had tortured myself and let this cloud continue to hover because of my own lack of tolerance. This moment better helped me understand that people are naturally impatient and vindictive, and that it is the obligation of people to better themselves by learning from frustration and anger. The day I got out of that van and into Disneyland, I looked up at the sky and the sun was shining down on me, because I, myself, had broken through the clouds.

By Pupsingh (Pupsingh) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 11:44 pm: Edit

ok i no this mite be wierd.


The Road to Sunlight
My palms were sweating as I was sitting in a shiny, blue rental van. I had a novel
in my hand, but could not open it because I couldn’t stop thinking about what was to come. Today was the day of the trip to Disneyland that I had been waiting for. However, I wasn’t waiting to get to Disneyland, I was waiting anxiously to get it over with, because I had a feeling that the trip wouldn’t be a success. All I cared about at this point was getting through the grueling, eight hour road trip without problems, so my dad wouldn’t feel like he had wasted all his effort planning this trip. As much as I hoped the mood wouldn’t suffer during the drive, I expected it to because I knew that my stepmother wouldn’t let peace shed its light. She was that kind of person--always trying to ruin anything that could possibly break the miserable conflict; a conflict that had resulted from her own selfishness. She thrived off the conflict because she didn’t want to be included in our family. Her goal was to try and be better than everybody, and she thought she was, because she was wealthy. Thus, I constantly expressed anger over this, which created a dark cloud over my step mom and I. As a result of this animosity, my family became disunited, and this road trip would be a test to see if the dispute could be repaired. The quarrel was not broken during this drive, and never would be. However, through various occurrences on the drive, I realized many truths about myself and society that I had no idea of hitherto.
They years preceding this trip were building blocks leading to tension in our family. It took long periods of fighting, arguing, and constant bickering to bring this clash to its peak. As a result, an annoying friction constantly hovered over us. Likewise, a gray cloud filled with thundering storms lingers over an area about to be struck with showers, the way tension loomed over our fragile family. Yet, it was time to look beyond this because the daunting years had given way to the morning of the trip, the same way gray clouds occasionally give way to rays of sunlight. Nevertheless, my situation was far from sunny. My stepmother, as usual, was constantly complaining and bickering about meaningless issues--her way of spoiling any excitement caused by the trip. This angered me because I knew she was doing this purposely, and I felt a need to retaliate. I stopped all conversation with my step mom and step brother, and to my delight, they were infuriated because they didn’t appreciate being shunned by me. However, my dad sent a frustrated look that said, “ Why cant’ you just deal with it?”. He wanted me to be patient with them, because it would make me a better person. Through my dad’s silent message, I now realize that it is often better to be patient than vindictive, because a vindictive attitude will only lead to further destruction. Conversely, a patient mindset will lead to personal improvement and will relieve unnecessary tension, because their meaningless tactics in reality had no effect on my life. This immense conflict that was taking form around me was created inside my mind. So in essence, I fell victim to my own consciousness. I had tortured myself and let this cloud continue to hover because of my own lack of tolerance. This moment better helped me understand that people are naturally impatient and vindictive, and that it is the obligation of people to better themselves by learning from frustration and anger. The day I got out of that van and into Disneyland, I looked up at the sky and the sun was shining down on me, because I, myself, had broken through the clouds.

By Pupsingh (Pupsingh) on Friday, October 08, 2004 - 11:44 pm: Edit

sorry for the triple post. i was having problems with the server.