|By Desigrlhere (Desigrlhere) on Sunday, October 03, 2004 - 08:27 pm: Edit|
heyy...i don't have enough $$ to pay for a proofreading service...
but i saw this site, and u guy seem very good...
so can anyone or everyone read it over...im open to ANY comments...
As we were driving around, I looked out the window, and saw little ‘houses’ made up of sticks and mud. The only ‘roofs’ and ‘walls’ were the old, ripped up, dirty clothes, that people must have thrown away. This is the first time I realized how life really is like there. These people work so hard for their own lives, but they still have to make time for their job to earn money for food and clothes.
Ever since I was little I remember going to India every 3 to 4 years to visit my family and stay close to my cultural roots. Everyone knows of India as a third-world nation, and even though it is getting better, the population is still mostly poor.
I met a very nice girl named Hansa, who worked at my grandparent’s house. No matter what she was doing, she would always be smiling, and sometimes singing.
Hansa was born into the lower class. When we first met, I was so surprised at how young she looked, so I asked her how old she was. She replied in a tiny voice, “I don’t even know when I was born. I think I am 14 or 15.”
When I asked her some other questions I found out that she was the oldest child in her family of 6 brothers and sisters. Hansa woke up at 6 a.m. every morning and left to go to work. She worked at 4 houses (including my grandparent’s house) and did household chores such as washing the dishes, washing all the clothes by hand, cleaning all the floors, and dusting all the furniture and windows. For all this work, everyday her profit was only 40 cents. When she got home (a little mud hut which is about the size of my living room), she helped her mom with her siblings, and then went to bed.
That’s when I realized that everyone has different lives, and most people in India don’t even have a fraction of the comforts I have. I even wished that I could switch places with her so at least she would get one day of comfort while I did her hard, tiring work. After helping her out a few times, I appreciated all the work she did for us. The work was so tiring that I would be exhausted only after a few hours.
I understand how great education is and without it how my life would be. I have been going to school since I was 3 years old, but Hansa has never even seen the inside of a school. She can’t even read or write any language. Because of different forms of education, I know 3 languages very fluently, and this helps me so much, especially to keep in touch with my extended family in India.
As clichéd as it may sound, I want to help these people. I want for people like Hansa to be given a chance in life. I want to show them how great life can be, and even though they are happy now, I would like help them move up in life.
Hansa, and the other people I met, have taught me so much. All the lessons that they taught me, I would never have been able to learn if I wasn’t a mix of both cultures. I am proud of being what I am. These people showed me real life, and now I think its up to me to decide what I can do to help. They have given me self-motivation to work for happiness instead of just a big paycheck.
|By Achat (Achat) on Sunday, October 03, 2004 - 08:51 pm: Edit|
I liked it. You should check your word count and not go over 500 if that is recommended. Well, around 500 plus or minus 10% is ok.
There is a lot of repetition and some of the phrases can be taken out.
"All the lessons that they taught me, I would never have been able to learn if I wasn’t a mix of both cultures. I am proud of being what I am."
Could be changed to:
I have learned a lot just by being part of two cultures.
Remove the phrase "As clichéd as it may sound, ".
You don't want to sound cliched just by saying that and in my view, it does not sound cliched.
You could remove this sentence since it does not add to anything and seems redundant:
"These people work so hard for their own lives, but they still have to make time for their job to earn money for food and clothes. "
And this one could be changed:
"That’s when I realized that everyone has different lives, and most people in India don’t even have a fraction of the comforts I have."
'That's when I realized that most people in India don't have the comforts I take for granted.'
I would go over the entire essay sentence by sentence and edit out words and phrases that seem redundant.
|By Desigrlhere (Desigrlhere) on Monday, October 04, 2004 - 06:05 am: Edit|
i'll correct the stuff today...
thanks so much!!!
|By Bookworm (Bookworm) on Monday, October 04, 2004 - 07:59 am: Edit|
Why not switch paragraph 2 and 1?
'everyday her profit was only 40 cents.'--could rephrase
|By Desigrlhere (Desigrlhere) on Monday, October 04, 2004 - 02:46 pm: Edit|
any other suggestions??
|By Achat (Achat) on Monday, October 04, 2004 - 04:58 pm: Edit|
If you are going to switch paragraph 2 and 1, then you need to provide more context in paragraph 2. So you need to begin it with:
'On a recent trip, as we were driving around...'
If you have space (your essay is less than 500 words), then you can give an example as to how your education can help these people. For example working for the Peace Corp. (but remember India does not have peace corp.) or some other NGO.
|By Desigrlhere (Desigrlhere) on Monday, October 04, 2004 - 06:40 pm: Edit|
I don't think i am going to switch Paragraph 1 and 2 because almost everyone i talked to liked this opening...but thanks anywayss!!
Achat- thats a really good idea...but the problem is that i am already over 500 words...but i might take some things out and add an example of how my education could help.
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