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Since I enjoy literature/writing, I want to see how well the smartest students(that is you guys)across the country write.

Therefore please post your essay. I will give my opinions on your essay if you would like. Let me know and POST.

By Mattymatt (Mattymatt) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 06:00 pm: Edit

lol or you personally do not write well and are looking for a resource of plentiful well written essays to use at your own expense
nice try though

By Dragonium (Dragonium) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 06:07 pm: Edit

hey, i posted my essay yesterday in this section of the forum with topic : "Could you evaluate this essay?"
Just search and see through it! Thanks!

By Benl (Benl) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 06:14 pm: Edit

This is one of the essays I submitted to Princeton - "What idea, invention, discovery, or creation has had the most impact on your life so far?" It's kinda short... Princeton seems to want several brief statements instead of one long essay. I can post a couple others if you want.


It's been called a universal language, a reflection of the soul, and a thousand other truisms. I'm not certain whether it can be pigeonholed as an idea, invention, discovery, or creation - to a certain extent, it encompasses all of these categories - but music has had a huge impact on my life so far. I'm sure it's an answer you've heard countless times before, but I've always taken a less common approach to my love of music.

Unlike many of my peers, I never formally learned an instrument or studied theory to any serious degree. My parents and siblings were not noteworthy in their passion for music, and I was never compelled to pursue the subject by anything other than my own curiosity and free will. For this reason, I feel a special connection to it, as if it's a discovery that belongs to me alone.

I first played a piano when I was five years old, and I was captivated immediately. I felt like I could sit in front of it for hours, merely noodling around and improvising my own melodies. Between those eighty-eight keys I saw infinite combinations and endless amusement.

After far too much begging and pleading, I convinced my parents to enroll me in a piano course. And during my first lesson, I began to lose interest almost as quickly as I had gained it. Already, I knew that I couldn't endure months of sight reading and scale memorization and mindless rehearsing, simply to wind up playing somebody else's music. I wanted to create, not duplicate.

Several years afterward, I managed to scrimp and save over a few summers to buy myself a synthesizer, and I still hold the same philosophy. I scarcely know any theory beyond what I need to write music as a hobby; however, I pride myself in the fact that my knowledge is based on learned intuition rather than textbook facts. Regardless of whether I listen or compose, I've always found music to be cathartic, stimulating, and above all, enjoyable.

By Congocross (Congocross) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 09:05 pm: Edit

Hi Benl, thanks for posting. After carefully reading your essay I would like to offer my opinion. I would give this essay a grade of B and here are the reasons why.

Pros-
1. Great introduction and suspense leading up to the topic of the essay.
2. Great selection of topic, it shows you are interested in other areas besides just academic
3. Shows evidences of personal traits which is always a plus
4. The ability to express so much about yourself with so little words, impressive
Cons –
1. The transition from paragraph to paragraph and sometimes from sentences to sentence is plain bad. You seem like to introduce new ideas every paragraph. When writing short essays it is better in my opinion to stay on one theme.
2. I can see how you try to incorporate certain words into this essay. I do not think that is necessary. Some people are walking vocabularies, however words are like jigsaw puzzle, they should be selected because they are a perfect fit not because they are the biggest piece. However, you did not over do it, still certain words just feel out of place.
3. Paragraph four should have been worded better. It sounds like you give up on piano instead of the idea that you want to create not follow other’s footsteps.

4. The first line and the last line of the essay is always the hardest to write and I love your first line “It's been called a universal language, a reflection of the soul, and a thousand other truisms.” Your last line “Regardless of whether I listen or compose, I've always found music to be cathartic, stimulating, and above all, enjoyable” on the other hand is weak. You are introducing new ideas that you have not discussed previously into this paragraph.

Nevertheless this is a fine essay showing the admission committee a different side of you besides the grades and test scores. I hope you luck with Princeton.

By Congocross (Congocross) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 09:10 pm: Edit

Mattymatt, I do not feel like arguing with you. Believe what you want. If you want to know how good of a writer I am, you can find my works in Barnes & Noble bookstores or Amazon.com. I will conceal the title of the book because it includes my biography as well and I do not want anyone “knowing” me too well. If you are too lazy to go to a bookstore, then I posted one of my essay on the board you can look for it.

By Jimmywrest (Jimmywrest) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 11:00 pm: Edit

Here's one of my essays:

There is a question, perhaps unanswerable, that has been deliberated upon since the genesis of man. We know we exist; we think, therefore we are. But the nature of our existence, the cause of it, is a much less attainable piece of knowledge. There are several theories concerning the beginning: creation, intelligent design, and the Big Bang are a few. But which, if any, is true? Biblical creation, the most ancient of the three, is the most difficult to defend; scientific observations, such as the age of the earth and universe, refute many of its claims. Many theologians have turned to intelligent design, which extrapolates time before the Big Bang and there places a creator. This explanation is much more reasonable, as it allows for our observed cosmological history to remain intact. But the necessity of such an extrapolation is dubious in some forms of the Big Bang theory which do not include a singular starting point or ending point, creating a universe without boundary. The ambiguity of the early universe is what makes the conundrum so interesting.

Those who believe strongly in Biblical creation often accept it literally, where seven days means seven twenty-four hour periods. They also insist that the earth, in fact the entire universe, is immensely young – approximately 6,000 years old. Observation contradicts both of these assertions. First, the fossil record shows that human beings have not existed for the entirety of Earth’s existence; we did not share land with dinosaurs. Second, radiometric dating of the earth has yielded an age of around 4.55 billion years, contradicting a claim of a young Earth. Even if one discards the radiometric dating, there is the simple observation that extremely distant stars are visible; the time necessary for light to cross such expanses far exceeds 6000 years – light from Hubble galaxies has traveled for 10 billion years to reach our telescopes. Of course, a strong believer can brush such observations aside by maintaining that the initial condition set by God included a fabricated age. Acceptance of this explanation is a matter of personal opinion.

Intelligent design, or the argument from design, is a much more plausible prospect than literal creation. This proposal takes scientific knowledge of the universe, locates its shortcomings, and explains them through an omnipotent, omniscient entity: God. The most prominent theory concerning the emergence of the universe, the Big Bang theory, recognizes an ultimate start before which nothing, not even time, exists. In order to explain the awesome complexities of life and its advent against dismal odds, proponents of intelligent design identify a creator, transcending time and space, as the cause of the dawn of matter. This creator is also said to have sparked the universe carefully, as evidenced by the precision of the physical constants necessary for life to evolve. This theory is kept in accordance with the Bible by Christians through the expansion of the initial seven days in Genesis from twenty-four hours to eons each. This explanation is fairly irrefutable and very convincing to a skeptical Christian.

Finally, the purely natural account of the inception of time attempts to speak for itself. In the absence of a creator, the universe simply exists without cause. This mode of thought is rational because it gives the simplest explanation of existence. If one places a god above matter, what is to be placed above the god? There is a story about an old Hindu thinker who believed the earth rested upon an elephant. When he was asked what the elephant rested upon, he answered that it rested upon a tortoise. He was then asked what the tortoise rested upon, and he said, “I am tired of this. Suppose we change the subject.” The addition of a supernatural force does not make the situation any more comprehensible. A new theory describing the Big Bang strengthens such logic. Hartle and Hawking’s “no boundary” proposal describes a universe where space and time create a closed surface with neither beginning nor end. If the universe is so self-contained, there is no place for a creator.

Raised a Catholic, it has taken me some time to begin thinking about these topics for my self. Although I don’t know what sparked this investigation for me, I have nonetheless become very interested in this and similar ideas. My last two book purchases have been a Bible and a collection of essays on Atheism, as I am searching for as many perspectives as I can find. Yet I know that science will give the ultimate indication of the impenetrability of absolute truth. Can science adequately explain the entire physical world? The answer will most likely be no. No matter how close we get to a complete history, we will never be sure whether we are discovering the core of existence, revealing the "mind of God," or both.

By Militarygrade (Militarygrade) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 11:37 pm: Edit

I'll post my personal statement when I get home...

By Nyguy (Nyguy) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 11:42 pm: Edit

yeah, i was considering making a site with all my college stuff on it. I would include all essays, my resume and any other material sent to the admissions board. ALl material would be in pdf of course, to minimize copying. I would only do this if i get accepted to more than 2 of the ivy league schools, im halfway there. I also have copies of my teacher recs which i could scan, as well as my guidance counselor reccomendations. lol i could even post my transcript and mid year reports. I think itd be a cool idea, but it would take significant effort

By Unicorn (Unicorn) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 02:17 am: Edit

congocross, i do believe u r a good writer.

i do, however, have apprehensions abt posting my essay on this board. u think i could e-mail u my essay?

By Dragonium (Dragonium) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 02:47 am: Edit

Congocross, where is your essay?
This one is mine, please evaluate it!

*************************************************
The cold breeze of wind blew my face and hands. It caused a terribly cold sensation like I had been holding an ice cube for 5 seconds. Each time I inhaled the dry below-zero air, I felt like burning my nose with other forms of fire. I was at the middle top of snowy Huang Mountain, China, during winter time, thousands of kilometers away from my tropical homeland.

Despite the inconvenient climate, I decided to join "Huang Mountain Walking Tour to the Summit". The tour-guide said we were fortunate to have sun shine in the afternoon, though it didn't inhibit the freezing wind, that it might be the only chance in my life to explore natural beauty and landscape of the "ice" mountain. However, another risk lied ahead. Proceeding to the summit required concentration while walking through one-meter wide pathways that had only a few fences for protection. The icy and slippery pathways were dangerous enough to slip people and make them slide to the deep valleys.

Struggling to have balance in every step, I found many exciting phenomena. I saw the unusual persistence of green leaves in snow-covered tree branches. I learned the history of each hundreds-year-old tree, such as the one that, according to local belief, might bring fortune to newly married couples. It shaped the form of two people embracing each other, with padlocks set up on the fence protecting it. I would never have known these abnormal occurrences had I decided to stay in the hotel.

As I reached one of the mountain tops, I could see a historic five-finger mount, with a shape similar to human's hand. I was amazed to see the ultimate evening landscape of Huang Mountain surrounded by thick fog, the sight I had never seen before.

The wind blew heavier and the temperature got lower than before. It was nearly dark. I walked back through the same risky, long pathways, going back to the hotel. The danger grew worse since stepping down the mountain was more difficult. I was tired of walking on my frozen feet, but, at least I found my objective : "This is China!"

The short journey I took had made me aware of the importance of taking risks in my life. I learned that risk emerged in every situation and has positive values hidden behind it, just like the natural beauty behind the effort to proceed to the summit. I realized that it also applied to my academic study. By competing in National Mathematics Olympiad, I took the risks of both failing to get through the tough selection and the latent danger of traveling outside my town. Though I failed, I fully benefited from my study efforts to seek materials beyond regular math classes. I have found the hidden item behind these challenging risks, and struggle to find the others. I believe that daring to take risks is the key to the now-closed door of success.
*************************************************

By Militarygrade (Militarygrade) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 02:52 am: Edit

Here's my personal statement tat I used for Berkeley and UCLA. Enjoy!


I sometimes find myself lost in thought, staring at a street and the houses on it, wondering who first lived in the houses, why they are designed the way they are, and why that particular street was chosen as the site to build the row of homes. I often catch myself studying old aerial photographs of two-stoplight towns, wondering why the piece of land was chosen to build a city on, and wondering what events took place in order to turn that two-stoplight city into the metropolis it is now. I am fascinated with the reasons why things happen, and the events that sculpted the world today. It is because of this fascination that I have chosen to study history.
I feel that in order to understand current events in our world today, one must have a solid grasp of our world’s history. The only way to properly interpret the events that take place each day is to know the events that took place yesterday. Critical thought is not possible without a history to draw upon. I plan to pursue law after my undergraduate work is done, and I know that with a strong understanding of the world’s history, I will be well prepared to dissect and solve any problem I might be faced with.
After barely graduating high school with a dismal GPA in 1994, I enlisted in the United States Marine Corps for four years. During that time, I served in many positions, including a Squad Leader, a Budget Technician, and Fiscal Chief for a $6 million dollar account. My devotion to duty resulted in meritorious promotions to Lance Corporal and Corporal, in addition to a Navy Achievement Medal, a Good Conduct Medal, and various Certificates of Commendation. My enlistment gave me the structure and discipline that I lacked during my high school career, and the work ethic that I developed while serving carried over into every aspect of my life, molding me into an intelligent thinker and a hard working individual.
When my enlistment ended, I sought out a career in the automobile industry, where I stayed for three years. I served in nearly every capacity in the business, including sales, finance, and management. I discovered how to sell effectively, how to assess risk when considering financing, and how to properly manage employees outside of a military environment. I left a General Manager position in order to seize the opportunity to sell Ferraris, where I was exposed to a world of amazing wealth and success. I developed relationships with successful doctors, lawyers, and bankers, each of which expressed how much insight and information they gained from attending an institute of higher learning. Although the financial gain was obvious, they stressed the worldly benefits of an informed and well-rounded mind. I listened to these role models for months, and soon understood that, without a higher level of education, I would grow only so high.
Along with understanding the history of the world, possessing a strong work ethic, and embracing education, one must have worldly experience to draw upon in order to be successful in life. As a result of a divorce between my mother and father, my entire childhood was spent moving from one state to another. I found homes in Minnesota, Virginia, Washington D.C., Chicago, and Southern California. Because of this, I have experienced society in the mid-west, the south, the political capitol of our country, and the melting pot that is Southern California. I have traveled to other countries, experiencing the cities of Mexico, the lakes of Canada, the history of England, and the wondrous Cathedrals of France. I have been exposed, not only to the different cultures of America, but to different world cultures as well. I have seen and interacted with people from all walks of life, and it has taught me that the tiny city that I live in, although important, is far too small a sample to draw life’s answers from.
Since enrolling in college at Mount San Antonio College, I have matured and grown in a way that I never expected. I have applied my world knowledge when debating in classes and enforced my strict work ethic when tackling assignments. There have been times that it has seemed tempting and easy to end my studies and go back to the working world. One of my most valued experiences, though, stops me from making this mistake. In the spring of 2002, I competed in the Los Angeles Marathon. It was a daunting task, and at nearly every mile, I wanted to stop, to rest my tired legs and bruised feet. Every step was agony, and the finish line seemed so very far away. My dedication, though, forced me to continue on. I finished the race, although not in a record time, and Nike has not since knocked on my door looking for me to sponsor their running shoes. What I did accomplish, though, was to run across the finish line of what is considered to be one of the most mentally grueling and physically demanding athletic events in the world. From this experience I realized that, no matter how difficult or painful it may be, and no matter how far away the finish line may seem, no goal is unattainable, and I can and will finish everything I start.
Any aspect of life can be difficult, and it is easy to contemplate how much simpler life would be if all of the difficult tasks were abandoned. It is my dedication to the enrichment of my mind, and more importantly, my fascination with the history of the world and its people, that keeps me focused on and successful in my educational endeavors.

By Congocross (Congocross) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 08:40 am: Edit

Hello JimmyWrest, I am very glad you posted because this essay is one of the best I read in years. Assuming this is an essay for college admission, the grade I give is an A-. Here are my opinions…

Pros
1. This essay is a example when everything comes together. The essay shows your knowledge in literature, religion, science, and philosophy. By showing so many different aspects of yourself, you helped create a greater image of your academic for the admission committee.
2. Most people forget about balance and consistency in essays. They will write two paragraphs on one topic and mention another in a few sentences. But your essay is an example of how these two virtues can work together. The content of each paragraph is well express and the paragraphs are about the same size. This essay can almost parallel to the creation of the universe. You used different elements to create this excellent essay.
3. I spoke about how certain words are out of place in Benl’s essay. I am going to talk about it again…I love your choice of vocabularies. You vocabulary is consistent as well, showing others that you use these words daily instead of just for showing.
4. Very strong first paragraph and a fine conclusion.
Cons
1. You may want to check your spellings; I would get a teacher to check them for me before turning it in.
2. If this is a college essay you should try to add more of your personal traits in. You did not talk about yourself as an individual until the last paragraph.
3. The length of this essay is over the limit. I am an advocate to respect the 500-word limit imposed by most college essays. However, I understand how you want to include everything because every element is important.

Once again, thanks for posting and sharing this fine essay with us. I greatly enjoyed your essay. Good luck at wherever you applied.

By Congocross (Congocross) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 08:37 pm: Edit

Dragonium, thanks for submitting your essay. Since I shared the Chinese heritage, I can relate to the sensation you felt by climbing the Huang Mountain. Whenever I am visiting China I feel this aura that I never feel anywhere else. As matter of fact, I travel back to China two years too seek medical attention. You see I have difficulties with speech because my tongue cannot move around very freely because it is a bit rooted to the bottom of my mouth. It is not very severe, however it has still affect my speech. I remember hiking a mountain named “Mountain of Drum” along with my cousin. We stray away from the trail and ended up getting lost for a few hours. The whole time when we were hiking the mountain we are in very careful. One bad move meant certain bone-crushing death. Nevertheless, this is for you essay. After reading your essay, the grade I give is a B+ and here are the reasons why…

Pro
1. Great topic, matter of fact I read an essay a while ago about a boy hiking a mountain and in the process he have a certain awakening with scientific theories and philosophy of old. That essay got that applicant into Harvard, Princeton, and Stanford.
2. Good imagery, I enjoy the format of the essay. It is in a story like composition. Many people write about their academic success and the essay ended up being another resume. I like you bring up the Math Olympiad, however in the wrong place…I will discuss it in cons.
3. As I mention above I am an advocate for respecting the typical 500-word limit and you certain stayed within the word limit.
4. A pretty central idea and I like the first paragraph and the last line “I believe that daring to take risks is the key to the now-closed door of success” is well done.
Con-
1. The sentence is very inconsistent with one another, even though the reader can still follow your story it still shows the writer’s lack of skill in structure.
2. I would have put this in Pro but you did it poorly. I am talking about the use of metaphors here. They are weak and could be expressed better. Metaphors such as the “holding an ice cube for 5 seconds” are just bad, however there is some I really like such as “the unusual persistence of green leaves in snow-covered tree branches.” Like I said on top, you did a good job with the imagery but you used too many bad metaphors.
3. You essay lack a personal touch. Despite the fact you mentioned how this experience can be related to your participation in the National Math Olympiad, it would be more effective if it weren’t in the last paragraph. It may seem like you just try to squeeze it in there. This should be in a more of a Compare and Contrast format where you compare the experience with Math Olympiad through out the whole essay.
4. Certain words and sentences do not need to be there. Some sentences felt out of the blue, like “I was tired of walking on my frozen feet, but, at least I found my objective: "This is China!"” That sentence is just bad; you talk about taking risk as your object but now you are talking about find china??? You should have word this differently. Words are better not repeated in the same way unless they are names of people or places, instead of mentioning your “frozen feet” and “hotel” twice you could have use a different word.

Thanks Dragonium for sharing your experiences with us. I know that five-finger mount as well, I grew up watching/reading “Journey to the West.” Pretty good story behind it.

By Congocross (Congocross) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 08:44 pm: Edit

Concerning about your question Unicorn, you can sent your essay to my Email address CosmoMemoryX@yahoo.com

Everyone...
I will give my comment on the essay if you request, otherwise I will leave them to myself. Please let me know what kind of essay is it and what is the essay question.

Thank you all very much for posting

By Cookie (Cookie) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 09:14 pm: Edit

I've posted this essay a million times, but can you tell me what you think.

My mother says that our move to Maryland was “drastic.” I totally agree with her. Here I was this slightly chubby, baggy-blue jeans wearing, amateur skateboarding, nappy haired, twelve year old black girl without a care in the world when suddenly the Oriental rug that represents my perfect life is pulled from under me. I was living in the “City of Angels,” “Land of the Beautiful,” the place where oranges and granola are sold in abundance, Los Angeles, California. Everything was perfect, especially at school. I was second chair cello out of twelve, the second “Queen Bee” in the cool 7th grade clique, and the cutest boy at school was beginning to like me. I had the perfect life; one could easily envy me.

The “Maryland” thing started when the “whole” family came over to our house for my Auntie Nne-Nne’s wedding. My Uncle George from Maryland brought three of his kids with him, and my Auntie Uchenna from Florida brought three of her kids as well. It was a blast having them over. I remember meeting my aunt’s oldest son Kenny for the first time. My mom and I were outside to greet them, I quickly ran up to Kenny and said,

“Gee, look at all the freckles ya’ got on your face!”

He frowned at me and stormed into the house. It was the first time I ever saw freckles on a black boy’s face. I never thought black people could get freckles. To make up, I took him to A.M.-N-P.M. for a double cheeseburger and large chocolate milkshake and gave him my yearbook to look at all the pretty girls at my school. My plan worked to perfection. One day, I walked into the guest room. My uncle George was talking to my Mom about taking a job at one of his medical clinics. He looked at me and asked if I wouldn’t mind moving to Maryland. I laughed. I thought the whole thing was a sick joke. Little did I know that I would be leaving sunny California three weeks from then.

I heard weird things about Maryland, especially about of its suburban neighborhoods. I heard that the nearest beach, Ocean City, was three hours away. I also heard there were no great burger joints like Carl’s Jr. or In-N-Out around, and the people all have funky southern accents. I thought I would die of sheer boredom. To ease the pain, my sisters and I told our friends that we were moving to Washington, DC. It sounded a lot more glamorous than Germantown, MD. Everybody we knew was fascinated with DC. It was known as the “East Coast L.A.” My mother called this move a “new beginning” for us.

I mean, we seriously needed a new beginning in our lives. My dad abandoned us several years before. One day, I knocked on Dad’s bedroom door as usual to say “Good Morning,” give him a kiss on the cheek, and get my allowance, but the door was locked. I thought nothing of it, and went to school. That was on a Friday, March 17, his birthday. I didn’t know he was planning to leave us. I thought he just wanted some privacy. I respected that. He was my father, but he decided that he didn’t want any of us in his life anymore. I haven’t seen or spoken to my father in about seven years. I don’t know his phone number, address, or if he’s okay. All I know is that he’s alive, not trying find out about his children.

To make some type of income, my mother decided to open up a restaurant in town. She would leave the house at five in the morning and wouldn’t come back until midnight. My siblings and I suddenly grew up. We had to clean the house, cook dinner, do the laundry, keep our rooms clean, and make sure our grades were on point as well. It was very hard for us and her. The restaurant was doing okay, but we weren’t out of the red. Money was still very tight. She closed down the restaurant, deciding that we, her children, were more important than burdening herself with a mediocre business. She decided there was only one logical thing to do, move to Maryland and work with my uncle or else…

I didn’t want to move. I didn’t care if I had to do chores or clean my room once in awhile. I just wanted to be with my friends and “could-have-been” boyfriend. But I sucked it up. I decided to make extra sugary lemonade out of lemons. We sold our house more quickly than expected. I knew we would be gone in a few short weeks. My friends threw me a huge party at school, but I couldn’t go because my transfer papers were filled out and processed. I cried for hours. I cried for the beaches I was leaving, I cried for Carl’s Jr., I cried for my friends, I cried for myself.

Germantown, MD, is a white, middle class town with about 200,000 residents. It’s not a bad area to live in, but we could have moved to a more “happenin’” place. We’ve lived here for five years now. I attended Rocky Hill Middle School for seventh and eighth grade, then moved on to “good, ole’” Damascus High School, where I attend now. Both schools weren’t nearly as diverse as my old school in California. Damascus is currently 15% minority and 85% white. Rocky Hill wasn’t any better. I have always been exposed to a diverse community when I was living in California. I had rich friends and poor friends. I had Jewish and Protestant friends. My best friends were Hispanic and Filipino. It didn’t matter to me, as long as they were good people. I decided not to sulk in bitterness because Damascus is not a diverse school. I decided I could save Damascus!

I became actively involved in many school activities such as D.O.C.C’s (Development Of Careers and Characters), International Club, and the S.H.O.U.T. (Students Helping Out to Unite Togetherness) committee. These clubs are multicultural and are used as minority support groups at DHS. I’m also a member of the Principal’s Student Advisory. The Advisory works with the principal, trying to think of different types of activities to improve race relations. I knew if I didn’t try to do anything to improve Damascus, I would be very unhappy and high school wouldn’t be fun. Because of my various leadership positions, I was selected to attend the National Conference for Community and Justice annual Youth Building Bridges Institute last year. I learned more about stereotypes and prejudice and how they affect our society. I learned about treating others with respect and dignity, no matter the color of their skin, sexual preference, or religious beliefs. I even wrote a poem about the experience I had at camp. It was published in their monthly newsletter. I am now a Y.B.B.I. delegate and a Student Representative for the Youth Building Bridges Advisory Committee.

I was also selected to attend the National Student Leadership Conference’s Mastering Leadership program this fall. I never met such a wonderful group of kids in my life. We created a bond so strong, deep and pure that it could never be broken by anyone. I became a more effective leader, a better public speaker, and now I’m able to step out of the “box” when thinking of ideas. Plus, I made twenty-five, funny, spunky, kind-hearted, brilliant, insane, and unique best friends in six days. I plan to attend the more prestigious National Youth Leaders Conference this spring. I can hardly wait!

I guess moving to Maryland wasn’t such a bad idea after all. I have accomplished so much while living here. I am not the “Queen Bee,” at school, nor do I have a boyfriend right now, but I’ve grown into a deeper, more resilient human being who may have the ability to save the planet one day. All I need is a degree from an awesome four-year institution of higher learning to guide me before doing so.

By Jimmywrest (Jimmywrest) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 09:40 pm: Edit

Thanks for the positive crit, Congo.

By Dragonium (Dragonium) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 11:00 pm: Edit

Thanks for the advice, Congocross... Yeah, I know I am not used to writing a personal essay. All sentences I wrote were just flowing through my mind. Do you think my essay is good enough for college admission??

By Dragonium (Dragonium) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 11:46 pm: Edit

Can I get your essay congo??

By Jdf418 (Jdf418) on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 12:10 am: Edit

Cookie- i really liked your essay, i think college essays should tell a story and keep the focus while showing a change within someone

my only neg. criticisms are that it is perhaps too long and i am not so sure that it is the best idea to state all your accomplishments in a kind of "by-the-way" manner when they are probably stated throughout the rest of your app and i doubt that the last sentence, while cute, accomplishes the goal of your essay. comments?

good job

By Argen (Argen) on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 02:09 am: Edit

I basically submitted this essay to all the schools I've applied to.

-----------------------

“Who am I?”

For a moment I was content, until the very question again surged through my thoughts and disrupted the brief bond between the history class and me. This day’s class was particularly emotional: it began with the appearance of a special guest speaker, a Korean War veteran from our community. He slowly caned his way into the classroom, and as the second hand of the clock approached the 11th hour, the class stood up in unison and bowed our heads in honour of the martyrs of democracy, the defenders of freedom, the old man in front. Some wept.

For the second half of the class, we gave our undivided attention to the veteran’s reminiscence of his old battleground. Even the usual troublemakers remained fixated, so as to concur with the atmosphere of the day. Soon the monologue evolved into a discussion, and I was most enthusiastic about sharing the many facts, emotions, and details of the Korean War, which surely would gain the attention of the veteran and the respect of my peers. I just could not pass up that opportunity. After I had exhausted my knowledge on every topic from the number of Canadian casualties to the stress the soldiers felt during the enemies’ nightly psychological attacks, then, just as I had hoped, a mutual bond formed between the veteran and me. Finally, the veteran was inclined to ask this question, immediately directing all my peers’ respectful eyes toward me, “Where did’ya learn so much about Korea, son?”

To which I replied with a gentle smile, “My grandfather. He also served in the Korean War.”

I saw doubts but a definite anticipation in his eyes. Yes, to meet another local veteran would certainly be exciting for him, but my grandfather is not here, he’s…

“Which division was your grandpa in?” The veteran interrupted my thoughts with his eager inquiry.

Just as I was about to answer the question truthfully, an intuitive sense of dread suddenly rushed in. I knew my grandfather’s division would be foreign to this man. In fact, I did not even know how to express my grandfather’s division in English. So I simply sputtered, “He was on the Chinese side.”

Then it hit me. My grandfather participated in the nightly psychological attacks on this man. My grandfather cut off this man’s main food supply. My grandfather, whom I love dearly, was this man’s enemy. Suddenly noticing the long silence, I quickly investigated the veteran’s eyes for any sign of disapproval -- but failed. The veteran’s head was already turned aside, as if to sever our sight, to sever our bond. In the midst of this awkwardness, I withdrew and again questioned my own identity. There I felt the resurgence of a conflict I had come to know well.

I am a Chinese; I am a Canadian. The two contrasting sides of my character have always vied for my supreme identity. The war has waged on for a long time, as I live on a tumultuous battleground. Each day I travel the streets that are distant to my parents but home to me, yet the streets are foreign to my native tongue. My music is melodious to my ears but raucous to my parents’, despite our similar preference in literature. We agree that everything is composed of atoms but disagree on the name of the Creator. And during our discussions on the history of Chinese politics, I have trouble deciding whether to have Dan Chao Fan or McDonald’s for lunch.

As I have grown, I have gradually realized that these unresolved conflicts are the very essence of everything I do and am. These conflicts do not harm me, but increasingly characterize my individuality. The two sides are contradictory, yet, at the same time, complementary. During every summer in China I offer my hometown information of the latest Western technological developments, and after my return I fascinate my peers with exotic tales of the ancient and mysterious land of the East. My Chinese background provides me a rich heritage, while my Canadian upbringing ensures a solid future. My Eastern ancestry alone does not define me; my Western education alone does not define me. For in this new age, I will continue to meld both together and define myself.

By Cookie (Cookie) on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 10:25 am: Edit

Jd- Thanks a lot. See, I would have change the last few paragraphs earlier, but I send in the essay already. Do u think it will make a big difference? Thanks. Hope u get into the college u want to go to.

By Ivy___Hopeful (Ivy___Hopeful) on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 04:55 pm: Edit

Congocross, please check your email.

By Tim (Tim) on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 06:24 pm: Edit

First essay, sent as an extra to Cornell Engineering (admitted), sent as main essay to CMU (admitted but not for SCS or ECE), and as extra essay to Cooper Union (waiting for decision.)

And it's hella specific to me, so you can't plagiarize it.

------------------------------------

"I can't, I have to work," I said.

"What do you do?"

"I make small children cry."

That was part of my job description on October weekends - at the "Forest of Fear" - for the past three years. It's a matter of supply and demand. People demanded to be frightened, and my job was supplying them. We took our places in a dusty, defunct restaurant that had been converted into about fifteen "rooms" and assorted hallways. Soon the lights went out, the fog machines and scary noises started up, and with a shout of "The house is open! Kill 'em all!" the boss admitted the first group of victims.

After a few weekends of bursting from the side of a box screaming, waving a bloody knife, and threatening to eat people, I began to notice common patterns of behavior. There's a lot of time to think about these things, crouched in the darkness of a box three feet high, waiting for the knock from my comrade seated on top that was my cue.

People want to be scared, both consciously and subconsciously. They consciously pay the fifteen dollars for their ticket, and they know that whatever happens they won't actually get hurt. Subconsciously, they set themselves up. They know the scare is coming. They advance slowly through the room. They hang back, hoping someone else will go first. They hold onto their friends while they make quick glances around the room, trying to spot the scare ahead of time. But, the scares are too well-concealed. All this anticipation and apprehension serve only to intensify the final effect of the room's scare.

People enjoy being frightened. There's a moment of shock, the fight or flight response, and a little rush of adrenaline, and it's over. The zombie isn't truly going to eat their brains and the chainsaw lady isn't going to cut off their head. Conversely, I enjoy scaring them, which is why I worked there. It's a small expression, in a safe environment, of the minor masochistic and sadistic tendencies in almost everyone. In my first year, my partner and I kept score, and counted at least twenty-five crying children. We took pride in our work.

People's appearances are often facades, which belie their true natures. Tough-looking guys try to jump behind their girlfriends, and you could make money betting that someone who came in dressed like a thug from the "streets" would either fall down or run, often straight into a wall, when the scare came. I wondered if this was a response ingrained in them from their hard life on the streets, or, more likely, a response that shows their tough exterior is only an empty disguise.

As a final observation, in our faux extremis, when people verbalize more than a wordless scream, the most likely call was not to God, Allah, or Mommy. Rather, they beseeched the aid of the divine excrement - "Holy S---!"

------------------------


Tim

By Congocross (Congocross) on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 05:55 pm: Edit

Hi Ivy Hopeful, I just finish reading your essay. First of all, I would like to compliment you on writing a good essay on a not so inspiring essay topic. Last year, I have to write a short essay on a similar topic, “What is Wednesday to you?” in order to gain admission into my school’s literary magazine. Mine was not very creative. I wrote it while having a high fever. I ended up making parallels to the song “One is Loneliest Number.” Now, the grade I would give to your essay is a B and here are my opinions.

Pro
1. This is a very hard topic to write about and I do not understand why UC did not change it. But you kept a consistent momentum going through out the essay and held my interest.
2. Very nice use of metaphors in paragraph two and three, I am sure that not a lot of people can bridge Wednesday with the “middle child” and “mid life.” In paragraph four I like how you physics in your metaphor (the net force of the week becomes…zero). A good showing of knowledge both in and outside of school.
3. A humorous ending is always a plus. However, while reading you last few paragraphs I predicted that you would say that.
4. You wrote with the word limit in your mind!
Con
1. It is not your fault, but your second and third paragraph sounds very hackneyed and redundant. Every applicant will probably have similar introductions. Again it is not your fault, the essay topic is to be blamed.
2. Very poor introduction and humorous yet predictable ending. Other people may have used that ending as well. I know you can do better than that.
3. Too many short paragraphs and most of them do not even tell much about you. The only good size paragraphs are 4, 5, and 6. Many of the paragraphs could have been combined.
4. I think the BIGGEST flaw of this essay is the writer failed to input any of his character inside the essay. I did not learn anything about you besides you have a vast knowledge. This seems like to be another typical essay, while a good essay will include interesting personal traits or experiences. A reader is more likely to remember the writer’s personal information than facts.

Since the essay topic is awful, I am not going to be judging your writing by this piece. I like your effort to make this best out of this essay. I wish you luck wherever you applied. Thanks for the submission.

By Techie (Techie) on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 07:31 pm: Edit

Personal Statement

My knight went for the throne. I knew my left side would be unprotected for the moment, but I had to take my chances for the greater gain. As my opponent traced his queen hesitantly to the right spot, I felt a deep rush of relief. I advanced my knight, forking his king and queen into an undefendable check. Nevertheless, even as my opponent conceded his best chess piece, I hid my immediate joy, realizing that the game wasn’t over just yet…..
The knight is beautiful. Its competitive and clever nature brings value to its structure, while its courage and persistence reflect its determination. These attributes, along with its uniqueness and strength of mind, make it an important asset to the game. Among all of the knight's noble qualities, the most noteworthy is its patience; the knight strikes at opportune times only after its surrounding pieces have been understood and analyzed. I humbly see myself as this knight, the realization of which materialized through the gift of work - an opportunity I am most grateful for, as I have come to learn that employment is a gift not afforded to everyone. Any opportunity to labor magnifies one’s sense of duty, and my employment at a computer distribution center bestowed upon me two of the grandest gifts a young man can hope to receive: the gift of self-realization and the gift of hard work, blessed rewards a knight should always strive to maintain.
I spent many hours carrying and building dozens of machines at Lasertech Computers over the summer. The endless muscle strains and many cuts I received on my hands reflected the rigors of the job. I grew tougher physically and mentally everyday as I lifted pounds of metal and assembled tiny microprocessors to the circuitry boards. Perhaps it was a combination of strong will and a love for computers that permitted me to continue my strenuous job, but by the end of those three months, the responsibilities of my work strengthened my will and desire to be a persistent individual. I built more than just computers; I built diligence and wisdom. I built myself. This wide-eyed high school student, for the first time in his life, was held accountable for every dimension of his fortitude and tenacity. Never had I been given a more poignant lesson. I became the knight when I first held the screwdriver that would be an extension of my labor; I knew I would never let go of it. My devotion to the duties Lasertech Computers entrusted me with and the fervor with which I worked made me a valuable piece to this quest, and endeared me to always strive to be as noble as the knight in every journey I embarked upon hereafter.
Like a game of chess, the direction of my life rests on the willingness to take risks, without which I would be hard-pressed to find new possibilities by which to better attain my goals. Someone once told me, “You can't lose what you don't put on the table...but you can't win much either.” Taking risks in my life allows me to understand my full potential as a person, even if it means sacrificing a pawn in my life for a greater gain. Playing chess over the years has made me realize that taking leaps in life is a win-win situation: if I land, I will be happy; if I fall, I will be wise. Whether I take a risk in a game of chess or take a risk walking the road less traveled, the peril that frightens me the most is the gamble of not taking the chance to be different - the chance that worry and uncertainty so often keeps us from taking. I never want to look back at a situation and agonize over what could have happened when the deed should already have been done.
Philosopher and mathematician Emanuel Lasker once said, "Without error there can be no brilliancy." This comforts me as I realize that I have made many mistakes on the board at different moments in my life. During the beginning of my summer work, my supervisor had to assist me frequently because I would wrap the computer cables badly or because I would install the wrong hardware. However, the opportunity to correct each of my mistakes and the chance to learn how to perform my tasks more efficiently strengthened my spirit. My abilities grew exponentially as I learned how to build computers more effectively. In fact, I even developed a better way to organize the computer cables. Although I cannot be perfect, I can find joy in doing my job better and better. In chess, when I focus on my goal to win, I strategize and plan to bring my pieces back in to position to get ahead of my opponent. In the game of life, however, I am my own opponent, the only one I should measure improvement and descent against. I will not condemn those who progress faster than I do, and I will shout approval and beam appreciation for those who do. This is how I know I will be successful in life. Learning from my mistakes, I have become a better player and a better person. In not fearing the consequences and rewards of repositioning myself even when I feel most comfortable, I will be able to surpass mistakes I have made in the past. By concentrating and persevering, I will continue to grow as a player on the board game of life.
Everyday I play chess. As I look at my pieces around me, I make choices about my life. The chess board lies before me, and I see myself as a knight building for the future. There are many ways to win, each way capable of bestowing a feeling of pride and accomplishment. I have chosen to use my strategy and strengths to declare my own checkmate in life. With humility, I will be kind to those who are not and have not. By calling upon my moral fiber even when others do not, I will leave the world a better place than when I found it. Just as a knight devotes itself to its holder, I wish to dedicate my life to building and improving my community at all costs. I wait in honor of finding and working with the noblest of hearts so that I may better serve my community with benevolence and kindness.


-techie

By Ivy___Hopeful (Ivy___Hopeful) on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 08:18 pm: Edit

Thanks for the opinion Congocross. Would you care for another essay?

By Ivy___Hopeful (Ivy___Hopeful) on Monday, March 24, 2003 - 09:12 pm: Edit

Let me try to analyze your essay Techie:

The essay as a whole was pretty good. However, you do have a few flaws which merit correcting:

1. The essay seems to make illogical transitions at times. The transition from the first paragraph to the second, for example, could have been better.

2. Saying that you took risks when you accepted a job doesn't really make sense to me.

3. The third paragraph degenerates into a mini version of a "Look how good, nice, charitable, noble, strong, dedicated, etc. I am" essay.

4. The ending was a bit hackneyed.

5. I wasn't counting words, but the essay seemed a bit longish for a college essay (they say a page to a page and a half ideally).

Please don't take my criticisms as insults, merely as constructive criticisms.

By Erin (Erin) on Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 12:47 am: Edit

Okay: Congocross or anyone else, I'd like to hear your opinion of an essay I wrote for an unnamed school. I already got rejected, so don't worry about being harsh and freaking me out! The topic was one of those general "tell us anything important that has helped make you who you are"

At my high school friends are formed, more than anything else, on the basis of personality. I come from a
small homogeneous community in northern California where the overwhelming majority of citizens are middle-class
whites. There are virtually no divisions among my classmates based upon race or class. Gangs do not exist in our
world. Our differences instead of our similarities are often what bring us together, and in the absence of
stereotypical high school cliques- the jocks, the preps, etc.- we have small and often overlapping circles of friends, any of whom might fit in just as well in another group.

I am quite convinced that I could not have fashioned a more wonderful group of friends for myself than the
ones I happen to have. Though I moved to my current home in seventh grade, and have known most of my friends in a close context since only sophomore year, I am certain that most will remain with me as lifelong acquaintances. Being able to spend the large part of my adolescence in such a close-knit town has offered me the opportunity I often longed for when younger, to form meaningful and lasting relationships with my peers. Because I moved seven times before landing where I did, my friendships were often cut off just as I was starting to feel comfortable in them.

Among my friends I can count a swimmer, the football and tennis team captains, the senior class president
and student body treasurer, the chess club president, an actress, a dancer, a pianist, guitarist, and singer, and the most brilliant person I have ever met. At every school event, be it a play, football game or rally, we are in the crowd with signs cheering each other on. Together, we have been through the death of Taylor’s sister, Will’s mother’s struggle with (and eventual recovery from) breast cancer, and Max’s depression. When I totaled my car, they were all there to comfort me and to call my parents because I couldn’t. It is not only these trials that have made us so close,
however; it is the all-night meteor shower parties, the toilet paper wars, and the countless milkshakes at Lyon’s,
which is the only restaurant open in our town after ten o’clock.

Our group has many traditions. Some are borrowed, but the best ones are established unintentionally. My
favorite tradition is eating at the Chevy’s in Auburn, a neighboring town. We make the thirty mile excursion
religiously for every birthday or other possible excuse for celebration. The pile of sombreros in my closet grows
with every visit. Another popular pastime is camping at Carr Lake. Though not quite Lake Tahoe, which is only
another half hour farther up the road, Carr Lake is beautiful and secluded. Our longest trip began on the last day of school this past year. For four days, we slept until noon in the sun, went swimming and fishing, and even toasted marshmallows on an open fire. As much as we all gripe about the confinements of living in a small community, it is
these moments I know I will appreciate the most when I look back at my high school days.

My friends, like any of such close acquaintance, are not without their disagreements and hostilities. For one
thing, almost all of us are competitive by nature. In school or on the playing field this serves us well, but it has led to rifts in friendship and excessive jealousy. There are always secrets told, feelings hurt, and the inevitable grating of everyone's nerves. I am glad to say, however, that each of the separate relationships within the circle is meaningful enough to withstand these trials. In the end, our bonds are stronger for having been tested.

In sixth grade, I remember coming to the conclusion that my life was incomplete without a best friend. I
had two or three very close friends, certainly, but each of them belonged, sadly, to someone else. I was the “second best friend,” or the “best girl friend,” but could never claim that top spot. Plenty of my classmates were in the same predicament, and once in a while I would make a pact with one or another to be best friends, but these sort of connections are not formed over one recess or bus ride. Like any relationship, true friendships require hard work
and infinite patience. They are composed as much of each other’s failures and imperfections as they are of triumphs. Now, in my senior year of high school, I still do not have a best friend. I have a whole assortment of them!

By Mathamota (Mathamota) on Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 01:14 pm: Edit

I am an International student, so don't expect fancy English or anything like that...

Also, do expect grammar and spelling mistakes ;-)
I know, this essay can kill me, but I do not have much chance at this Univ. anyway....
Also, the linebreaks and the paragraphs are not shown properly... ( I'm too lazy to correct them)

----------------------------------------------

Storytelling is an integral part of the formation of our identities. The stories that our parents and our communities tell us about
themselves and the world form our first map of the universe. At some point, we begin to tell our own stories to ourselves and to
others. Tell us a story you tell. Your story does not have to be either true or a story you would think to tell anyone but yourself; but the
story must be your own, and its telling should have significance to you. Your story should also be significant to a listener who might
tell a story about you.
************************************************

I don't know if this can be called a story, but I will try to describe a very typical day in my school. It is not strictly about me – but rather, a description of things as I see them.

School starts at around 11:00, and I, as usual, reach a few minutes late, huffing, puffing, and hoping that I would be able to conjure up a good excuse. I manage to convince my teacher that I had the bad luck of getting into an auto rickshaw (a 3 wheeled mode of public transportation which we have in our country) which was low on petrol and had to refuel at a roadside station. I find a seat somewhere among the back benches and manage to squeeze into the space between two very fat guys who are still finishing their pre-class snack. I try to understand what the computer teacher is trying to say, but from the last bench of the gallery, all seems like “wuggah wuggah networked wiggah LAN wuggah...” , so I concentrate on other more interesting things. There are around sixty students in our class room, and each one of them, except the fellows in front seem to be engaged in some kind of interesting activity or the other. Some of them are busy playing the game of “pen-fight”, where one of the players tries to hit his opponent's pen with his own pen in such a way that the former flies off the desk while the latter remains on it. However, most of the students seem to be busy eating their tiffin, and some, as usual are sleeping peacefully. The teacher starts taking down the attendance, and we, as usual shout ABSENT!! for certain students, even if they are present in class. The period ends, and I prepare myself for the most boring class with the most boring teacher possible – the Bengali class. Around five minutes pass, and we become excited – maybe she is absent today! The class monitor (a timid fellow, wearing round glasses which make him look like an owl) is “ordered” to go to the staff room and find out if the teacher is
absent. He goes out and returns with a drawn face. He announces, as if announcing the death of a close friend, “She is absent”, and immediately ducks for cover. A huge roar and a loud howl of delight is suddenly heard –
and I officially start off the celebrations by throwing a paper aeroplane at the monitor. Soon, a variety of things, ranging from paper airplanes to pens and pencils begin flying around, and the students break up to form
“special interest groups” and begin discussing topics ranging from Borges to TV advertisements, from Quantum Mechanics to the latest songs on MTV. Things remind me of the lines

Things fall apart; the center (monitor) cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world (class)
(Yeats – The Second Coming)

Suddenly, out of the blue, the teacher from the neighboring classroom barges in – shouts at us in the most un-neighborly manner, and goes out. The students don't seem to care – and remain busy with the ongoing intra-class pen-fighting championships or with the “round bench” discussions. However, soon, to our dismay
and to the delight of the class monitor (who is actually in charge when the teacher is not around), the period comes to an end. I go out for my special English First Language class (one of the very few classes I like). This class seems to be a little more bearable, since there are very few students who study English as their First Language. We start off with Wordsworth, and in the next period, switch over to the history of English literature class where I try to figure out what those strange looking characters in the Beowulf stand for (though
without much success).The English class ends finally and the fifteen minute tiffin break begins. There is a mad rush for everything –
toilet, food, even the public telephone at the corner of the playground (where students try to find out why their friends are absent).
The tiffin break ends very soon, and the physics class starts (this one is also one of my favorite classes). The physics teacher starts off with the story of Galileo – about his work, about his struggles, and then moves off to explain the concepts of inertial mass and gravitational mass. When we complete mechanics, we move over to thermodynamics, but our teacher soon veers “off-topic” and begins to speak on the communal violence in Gujarat. A fierce debate starts – but the bell soon rings, and so it has to be abandoned inconclusively. Then we have our chemistry labs and I, as usual search around frantically for my instruments. Finally, after locating them, I get into the lab, and try to figure out through numerous crazy experiments what the white powdery thing given to me could be. Meanwhile, mini-disasters continue to happen – people mix the wrong chemicals, someone “accidentally” leaves open the hydrogen sulphide outlet, and the lab gets filled with the smell of rotten eggs. After many such accidents and confusions, the chemistry lab gets over – and so does school, for the day. All the classroom doors suddenly bang open, and suddenly, it seems that thousands and thousands of Wildbeasts are going for their annual migration through the plains of Africa (the school corridors). I could go on, you know, but there is this word limit. I am not very sure if I am going to miss this environment very much once I am out – I will miss my friends, no doubt, and some of my teachers – but otherwise, I guess school years have been rather too long.

By Congocross (Congocross) on Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 03:15 pm: Edit

Hi Erin, thanks for posting. I have a swell time reading your essay because it brought back a lot of wonderful memories for me. I considered 6th grade the best year of my childhood. It was a time when GPA did not matter and I didn’t even know what SAT stands for. The friendship you share with your circle of best friends will remain one of best things in life and I hope you guys the best. The grade I give this essay is a B and here is regular list:

Pro
1. I really the ways you presented the central idea and how you mingle into the whole theme. The essay shows your ability to work together in groups and building a strong school community.
2. Pretty good overall sentences structures and transitions. The format of this essay is very readable and kept my interest the whole time.
3. Greats ways to incorporate traits into the essay such as your “competitiveness” and “social skills.”
4. Excellent examples of the times you share with your friends and why they are important to you. Especially those two sentences about death, cancer, depression, and the car.
5. Strong voice in your words. You write as if you are telling me the story in front of me, a very impressive skill.
Cons
1. This is not a con but theme of friendship is too general. However, you make the essay very unique and adjust your own personality.
2. There are places where sentences are awkward. Such as “Our differences instead of our similarities are often what bring us together.” And “Being able to spend the large part of my adolescence in such a close-knit town has offered me the opportunity I often longed for when younger” The first sentence I mentioned should be structured better and the second sentence would be better if you taken out “when younger.”
3. There are loose strings in the essay that you did not tied up in the end of the story. In paragraph 3 you mention the most brilliant person I have ever met but you never explain whom.
4. The essay is a bit dispersed. You talk about too many things switching ideas/events from sentences to sentences. Even though all things can be related to the main theme, it would be better you talk about how all these things change you through out the essay. You gave a lot of examples but little analysis.
5. You are over the tradition word limit of 500 words and normally I would not judge you heavily because of it. However, in your essay there are words that should be taken out and the result would been a better essay. The certain words in a few sentences like, “I moved seven times before landing where I did, my friendships were often cut off just as I was starting to feel comfortable in them.” You could have taken out “before landing where I did.” Paragraph 5 should be deleted and the idea of “competitiveness” could have been express inside of another places such as paragraph 2.
6. In the last paragraph the idea of being a “second best friend” could be express in less words or be taken out completely. However, I really like the way you concluded the whole essay with “. Plenty of my classmates were in the same predicament, and once in a while I would make a pact with one or another to be best friends, but these sort of connections are not formed over one recess or bus ride. Like any relationship, true friendships require hard work
and infinite patience. They are composed as much of each other’s failures and imperfections as they are of triumphs.”

Once again thanks for sending the essay. I hope you luck with the other schools you applied and if fate allows maybe we can meet and be friends as well. Until then take care and have fun with your best friends.

By Cookie (Cookie) on Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 03:18 pm: Edit

Erin- It's the college's lost. That was one of the better essays on this post. What college rejected you? I think might have been your intro. Although, it was well written and interesting, you talked about your middle class existence, and colleges want diversity, you know. Good luck!

By Wembleyfraggle7 (Wembleyfraggle7) on Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 04:02 pm: Edit

mine is a "why our school" essay...i'd be very interested in any opinions...

As far back as I can remember I have wanted to become a Doctor. The only part of that desire that has ever changed has been what I would like to specialize in. It started with pediatrics, and has included such diverse fields as orthopedics and cardio-thoracic surgery. Over the years I changed my mind dozens of times, until 4 years ago I made a decision from which I have not wavered. I decided to become an MD and specialize in Forensic Pathology. I finally had my path set. Now all I had to do was go to college.
When, at the age of twenty-six, I began my college education, I devised a simple plan. I was first going to enroll at the Community College of Southern Nevada to ensure that I could handle a full course load almost ten years after my high school graduation. I planned to spend two years at CCSN before transferring to my local university, UNLV.
I have now completed three semesters at CCSN and am preparing for my fourth and final semester. During my time in school I began to research UNLV in preparation for transfer. As I discovered more about the school, I realized that it was not, and is not, the school for me. In light of this new knowledge, I began to research other universities and colleges for possible transfer. The one school that was foremost in my mind was the University of Rochester.
Over the past eight months, I have come to believe that the U of R is the solution to my question, “which school will help me to become the person I long to be?” Rochester is a school that will both encourage and allow me to grow, both academically and as a person. I look to Rochester for three simple reasons: your people, your science program and your campus.
Albert Einstein once said, “Great spirits often encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds.” While I don’t claim to be a “great spirit” I do feel that I would be better served by surrounding myself not with “mediocre minds” but with the kind of intelligent, motivated people that can be found at Rochester. As you well know, the caliber of your students and professors is among the highest in the world, and I would be honored to have them as classmates, colleagues and role models.
By transferring to the U of R I would be able to take advantage of a biology program that is on the leading edge of scientific research. The Undergraduate Program in Biology and Medicine, the chance to conduct independent research, and the ability to learn from and assist a world-renowned science faculty are things of which I have long dreamt.
I must say though, in all honesty, that as much as your biology program calls to me, so does Rochester’s campus environment. I have lived in a variety of places: from a small town (population 2,700) to a city of over one million people. One of the qualities that I admire most about Rochester is that the campus has both the attractions of a large city and the quaint charm of a small town. In addition, coming to the U of R for me would be coming home. I grew up in and around Rochester and have always envisioned myself attending the University and, I hope, the Medical School one day as well.
When I add to all of this the low faculty-student ratio, an impressive graduation rate and a campus known for its cultural diversity, what I get is a school that promises to make me into the finest person I can aspire to become. I enrolled in CCSN to ensure I could handle the rigors of college after a long absence. I now find myself longing to be held to a higher academic standard in a challenging environment that will allow me to shine. I am ready to make a lasting commitment to my future by transferring to the University of Rochester.

By Erin (Erin) on Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 04:35 pm: Edit

Thanks for the input, Congocross, and thanks Cookie, too! Since you asked, the school that rejected me was Stanford. They had a one page limit rather than 500, but same idea I guess. Oh well. Three months later, I'm not sure if I would even want to go there anymore. Anyway, thanks again!

By Ivy___Hopeful (Ivy___Hopeful) on Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 05:36 pm: Edit

Congocross, please check your email for another essay. Thanks.

By Congocross (Congocross) on Thursday, March 27, 2003 - 05:31 pm: Edit

Hi Mathamota, thanks for submitting your essay. Assuming from the essay question, this piece is for University of Chicago. There are some drastic differences between American schools and foreign country schools. I attended school in China until I was around 10 years and that is when I moved to the United States. Your essay gave me some insights of your environment. The grade for this essay is a C - and here are my opinions:

Pro
1. Despite the language barrier, your descriptions of your surroundings provided good imagery.
2. The sentences structure is not bad, you certain write better than some American born citizens.
Con
1. The topic is poorly selected. At the very beginning you started by telling us this is not a story when the essay question requested a story. Do not stray away from the essay topic.
2. Through out the essay, the impression the essay gave me is you do not care much if you get into University of Chicago or not. The admission committee will pick that up.
3. I will not critique your grammar and mechanics because you are from a foreign country. I am sure the admission committee will be aware of that as well. However, it is always a plus when an essay by a foreign student has perfect mechanics and grammar.
4. The content of the essay is not very appealing to any school. College wants people that want to learn and you are making a mockery of your school and teachers.

It is strange that you are learning about the Victorian poet William Wordsworth at the same time as the tale of Beowulf from the Anglo Saxon period. Wordsworth is one of my favorite authors from British Literature. I am currently writing a scholarly paper on William Wordsworth and William Blake on the theme, “Innocence and Experiences.” I hope you enjoy British Literature as well because they are some of the finest examples of great literature. This essay is poorly written in many ways but I still wish you luck.

By Congocross (Congocross) on Friday, March 28, 2003 - 11:26 pm: Edit

The month of April is approaching and after those decisions come, nothing will matter. I thank you for submitting all your essays. I have a blast reading all of them. I will not visit this site any longer because I already receive a rejection letter from the one school I really want to get in, University of Notre Dame. The ironic thing is I believe I am qualify to be admitted to that school. I know people with lesser stats got in while I am rejected. On the other hand, they have legacy while I am the first in my family to go to college. It is unfair but I will accept it. I wish all of you luck in college and take care.