Could you evaluate this essay?

Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: March 2003 Archive: Could you evaluate this essay?
By Dragonium (Dragonium) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 01:58 am: Edit

This is a piece of my essay for CMU,MIT, and Stanford. I got into CMU with this writing. Please give me your comments :

The cold breeze of wind blew my face and hands. It caused a terribly cold sensation like I had been holding an ice cube for 5 seconds. Each time I inhaled the dry below-zero air, I felt like burning my nose with other forms of fire. I was at the middle top of snowy Huang Mountain, China, during winter time, thousands of kilometers away from my tropical homeland.

Despite the inconvenient climate, I decided to join "Huang Mountain Walking Tour to the Summit". The tour-guide said we were fortunate to have sun shine in the afternoon, though it didn't inhibit the freezing wind, that it might be the only chance in my life to explore natural beauty and landscape of the "ice" mountain. However, another risk lied ahead. Proceeding to the summit required concentration while walking through one-meter wide pathways that had only a few fences for protection. The icy and slippery pathways were dangerous enough to slip people and make them slide to the deep valleys.

Struggling to have balance in every step, I found many exciting phenomena. I saw the unusual persistence of green leaves in snow-covered tree branches. I learned the history of each hundreds-year-old tree, such as the one that, according to local belief, might bring fortune to newly married couples. It shaped the form of two people embracing each other, with padlocks set up on the fence protecting it. I would never have known these abnormal occurrences had I decided to stay in the hotel.

As I reached one of the mountain tops, I could see a historic five-finger mount, with a shape similar to human's hand. I was amazed to see the ultimate evening landscape of Huang Mountain surrounded by thick fog, the sight I had never seen before.

The wind blew heavier and the temperature got lower than before. It was nearly dark. I walked back through the same risky, long pathways, going back to the hotel. The danger grew worse since stepping down the mountain was more difficult. I was tired of walking on my frozen feet, but, at least I found my objective : "This is China!"

The short journey I took had made me aware of the importance of taking risks in my life. I learned that risk emerged in every situation and has positive values hidden behind it, just like the natural beauty behind the effort to proceed to the summit. I realized that it also applied to my academic study. By competing in National Mathematics Olympiad, I took the risks of both failing to get through the tough selection and the latent danger of traveling outside my town. Though I failed, I fully benefited from my study efforts to seek materials beyond regular math classes. I have found the hidden item behind these challenging risks, and struggle to find the others. I believe that daring to take risks is the key to the now-closed door of success.

Report an offensive message on this page    E-mail this page to a friend
Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.

Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only
Administer Page