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His word choice is a little too tedious if you ask me. What do you guys think?

Ideology

I am an accomplished student, and I have not fully known one of the
more important figures a child can have in his or her life. For a time, I
knew my father. He has never known me. Autonomy has been the one constant
in my life, and it has taken me great pains to learn how to exploit it
constructively. Three years ago, I entered high school without any sense of
direction or purpose; presently, direction and purpose are all I have. Near
to graduation now, I want to be able to say that my work has been to
fruition: I want to go to college.
I am a 17-year-old Mexican-American, and I am estranged from my
Mexican father. Until very recently, an impersonal piece of paper with a
judge’s and my parents’ signatures dictated how my life should be lived.
That paper mandated that I live with my father one week and my mother the
week thereafter. I was living two very apart lives: Particular days I was a
boy living with his single father, others a boy living with his single
mother. And on any given Sunday evening, I was getting to know either of my
parents all over again.
For a long while, my life was devoid of any direction. The greater
portion of my young adulthood has been typified by
indifference—-indifference towards my studies and towards my future. At a
time, I was a habitual truant; my unpalatable grades first semester of
Freshman year are doubtless a reflection of the circumstances that
surrounded my indifferent propensities. In truth, I conspired to shame my
parents for having presented me with the angst and despair that is
“divorce” by defying the inherent intellect I know I possess. I succeeded
in shaming only myself.
But my situation was not always so: the aforementioned impasse was
nonexistent throughout elementary school. It was in fifth grade that I
received my first set of straight-A marks, and in sixth grade, I received
the President’s Education Award for my academic endeavors. Only when I
entered Junior High School did heedlessness manifest itself. Apathy became
my persona, and for three years I was forlorn of all course.
I resolved to abandon the façade that was my insouciance the day my
mother divulged to me that my 15-year-old brother—-now eighteen-—and his
girlfriend had engendered a child. For years, I had been my brother’s
unremitting pantomime, trailing precisely in his every footstep, mimicking
his every action. My brother’s enterprises were my enterprises. And just as
this was his wake-up call, it was mine as well. I felt repugnant.
I recommenced regard for my grades and determined to reside with my
mother; reestablishing myself as a sedulous student required I purge my
life of the hazardous environment that was my father’s household, for
there, I commonly immersed myself in a variety of unsound activities.
Torpor and aloofness were only perpetuated by my father’s disregard for his
sons. Though it was not apparent to me then, a parental figure to direct
and instruct me was what I needed most. My father neglected to foster this
role for as long as I knew him. Without him to show me otherwise, verily I
could ignore my studies—-and not be chastised for it. I was taking a
situation with potentially benign consequences--becoming self-sustained,
specifically—-and making negative out of it.
I was fourteen when I left my father. It has been the most trying
juncture my life has known, doubly so because I left my brother in the
process as well. And though my father loved me wholly, yet it was my mother
who manifested the love and friendship and security I had been in pursuit
of all the while. Since then, I have reclaimed my scholastic astuteness,
though it never really was lacking at all. The only true reward that I have
been given for my academic diligence is that of self-approbation, but with
this I am more pleased than I expect I would be with acknowledgment on my
parents’ part. It is this aspect of self-reward that has facilitated the
rekindling and perpetuation of my academic insistence on cultivation.
Through the trial that has been my adolescence, I have realized
that I can entrust only myself with making those decisions that are going
to have any substantive impact on my life. I am an independent young adult,
and autonomy is the foundation that will allow me to apply myself in life’s
work. Where my atypical circumstances may have hindered my self-growth at
the outset, they have in fact permitted me to develop into the mindful and
sensible young adult that is perhaps the antithesis of what I envisaged
myself to become. My future is important to me. Going to college is not a
want, but a requisite. My plight has not been without consequence:
Tribulation has accorded me the intellectual capacity, real world
experience, and resolve and tenacity that will enable me to excel here. And
in any instance, I emerge victorious. I have an ever-burgeoning erudition,
and I have a future. To lead an accomplished and fulfilling life is the
only ideology I know. My work will be to fruition.

By Hildegard (Hildegard) on Thursday, March 20, 2003 - 11:17 pm: Edit

I think it's a good essay, but you're right, he uses some words that he probably doesn't feel too comfortable using himself. It probably needs to be restructured so that things flow more armoniously. The words he uses kind of confused me throughout the essay.

I don't know whether his minority status played a role, but I think the essay is ok, if you consider the fact that he wrote it himself without any help (that's what it seems to me.)

Sometimes the fantastic, flawless essays make you wonder whether the student had a bunch of teachers make corrections and edit them. At least this sounds like his own, honest work.

By Cookie (Cookie) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 11:58 am: Edit

I mean, it's good and all. I come from a single parent home too, but his word choice is awful. He didn't need to use all of those big words. I'm happy he got into Stanford and all, but he needs to word on his word flow a little bit.

By Congocross (Congocross) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 03:07 pm: Edit

I got bored after the third paragraph. His stats must been great because this essay is poorly structured and poorly worded. I congrats him with all my heart but I have seen better essays on this board.

By Kalitiha (Kalitiha) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 03:24 pm: Edit

I have an extensive vocabulary, and I had to ponder over some of these words. This essay seems awkward, more of a showcase for 7 syllable words than a relating of a personal experience. The conjuctions suck at times.....using "though" and "yet" in the same sentence when both mean the same. This essay would have been much better written and more enjoyable to read had the writer written in his voice. And unless your friend is a walking dictionary, he spent more time with his dictionary and thesaurus than he did actually writing the essay and thinking about his meaning. You are correct in saying that some of the word choice was repetitive. I think it was an attempt at parallel writing, but it failed and seemed rhetorical.

By Josh (Josh) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 06:46 pm: Edit

this essay is quite bombastic. The words are long, convoluted, and are often used in the wrong sense. I'm suprised the adcoms didn't get tired of trying to struggle through the paragraphs and just throw it aside.

By Subjecttochange (Subjecttochange) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 07:19 pm: Edit

< edited by admin >

By Vizious (Vizious) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 09:29 pm: Edit

It seems pretty good

By Gonzo (Gonzo) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 10:44 pm: Edit

IMHO, its better to write in your own words and have an innovative or inspiring idea than go on in boring length and using a thesaurus to make every word 15 letters long, and often using them in the wrong context.

By Dontknow (Dontknow) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 10:58 pm: Edit

subjecttochange: People don't get in to schools like Stanford just because they're Mexican.

By Kalitiha (Kalitiha) on Friday, March 21, 2003 - 11:04 pm: Edit

On a second, much later reading....I must upgrade the tone of my post and my opinion of this essay to scathing. THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE ESSAY IN THE WORLD, IT WOULD MAKE A GREAT EXAMPLE OF A "DO NOT WRITE LIKE THIS" KIND OF ESSAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This person must have had perfect everything else, because this essay most certainly did not get him into Stanford. I don't think he was accepted just because he is Mexican, though being a minority probably didn't hurt his case. California has a large enough hispanic population that ethnicity would not be enough to over ride this monstrosity.

To All Juniors: Do not read this essay and think that writing so poorly will get you into Stanford. Please, write essays that make sense and do not pain your admissions reader next year.

By Mohsye (Mohsye) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 02:34 am: Edit

As an aside, this same essay got him into UCLA and Berkeley.

I don't think him being a minority had much of an effect.

By Mitwannabe (Mitwannabe) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 03:51 am: Edit

verbose!

By Creedthang (Creedthang) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 08:29 am: Edit

i dont understand why u guys out there feel that the essay was filled with complex language.

it was •••• easy.
i mean cmon people/
your comprehension capability gotta be better.

kalitha.your vocab may be good but that matters jack ••••.


p.s-go rasheed wallace!

By Hildegard (Hildegard) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 01:28 pm: Edit

Kalitiha,

I don't think the terms "worst essay in the world" and "monstrosity" really apply to this essay.

In my view, it is an attempt by an unexperienced writer to portray his situation with fancy words. He obviously doesn't have much experience and thinks his essay will sound better with that word usage, but calling it monstrosity is kind of off.

I think he needs more structure and a better choice of words, but that doesn't make his essay the worst in the world! The idea wasn't bad and I'm sure that the admissions officers at Stanford, UCLA and Berkely figured this out. If it was a monstrosity, they probably would have ruled him out.

By Kalitiha (Kalitiha) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 03:33 pm: Edit

Creedthang: I didn't say I couldn't understand the essay, just that it would have been easier and more enjoyable to read if the writer hadn't used so many words.

Hildegard: You are probably right about the writer's motives in using large words. But, don't you agree that the essay, especially about such a personal matter, would have been more effective without the words? Maybe I shouldn't have called it a monstrosity, but that essay is really hard to read. I meant it when I said it was painful--it doesn't flow and the meaning gets lost behind the vocabulary, to a point where you have to struggle to focus.

However, it doesn't really matter what any of us believe about this essay, because this person obviously had an impressive application in spite of it.

By Mitwannabe (Mitwannabe) on Saturday, March 22, 2003 - 05:53 pm: Edit

no creedthang, it is too wordy, and it's awkward to read, it's not like nobody here understands what the person's saying, everyone here understands the words, but it can be stated better, it just seems out of place some of those words, and it doesn't seem like this is the way the person would normally write, why say he engaged in habitual perambulation to the designated crop-retrieval location, when you could say, he went to the store

By Creatorcat (Creatorcat) on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 02:04 am: Edit

why say he engaged in habitual perambulation to the designated crop-retrieval location, when you could say, he went to the store


haha
that was good.

By Tim (Tim) on Sunday, March 23, 2003 - 02:35 am: Edit

"But my situation was not always so: the aforementioned impasse was nonexistent throughout elementary school."

" I have reclaimed my scholastic astuteness"

He's trying to hard. Thesauruses suck. Don't use words when you don't know what they mean.

Tim

By Suziq0110 (Suziq0110) on Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 08:39 pm: Edit

Mitwannabe, I couldn't have said it better. This kid seems to think that big words=good writing. If I learned *ONE* thing in high school, it was that good writing is clear and concise, not using the fanciest word possible. This whole essay is merely a showcase for his (HIS?) vocabulary.

By Thedad (Thedad) on Wednesday, March 26, 2003 - 09:04 pm: Edit

Oy vey. I'd say the student got into Stanford in spite of the essay, not because of it.

One other thought: the overly-formal diction serves to provide emotional distance between the writer and the material...maybe he/she needed it.

But, yeah, it looks as if he was typing with one hand while holding the thesaurus open with the other.

By Thegetupkid (Thegetupkid) on Thursday, March 27, 2003 - 11:52 pm: Edit

I have a feeling he did a lot of right-clicking->Synonyms, in MS Word. Definitely a no-no, because it's trying to be clever/interesting through the use of "flowery" words, and not the content.

By Neo (Neo) on Sunday, September 14, 2003 - 11:33 pm: Edit

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