Is this essay worth sending?

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: March 2003 Archive: Is this essay worth sending?
By Wembleyfraggle7 (Wembleyfraggle7) on Tuesday, February 18, 2003 - 02:50 pm: Edit

This essay came from the notes I was scribbling trying to find a topic for that wonderful question "write an essay on the topic of your choice." (i hate that one) but i couldn't think of anything unique, spectacular, tear-jerking, etc... so i turned my scribbles into an goes...(oh, and sorry about the chinese characters...i guess the board doesn't like my apostrophes)

I could write about being raised by a single mother, or maybe growing up poor in the inner city, but I donít want to sound like Iím fishing for sympathy. I know, Iíll write about my experiences in high school; but then again it might not be a very good idea to draw attention to my C average. Thereís always the epiphany I had after high school graduation, when I realized I was too immature to go to college and actually do well. That might work. Oh, who am I kidding? My grades were mediocre and I had no motivation. Scratch that idea.

Maybe my time in the military would be interesting. I could talk about the valuable life lessons I learned in boot camp, my 6 months traveling throughout the Mediterranean, or my experience as the only female welder/pipefitter in my division. Of course, there is also the paradox of being a conscientious objector who served in Desert Storm. Maybe the committee would be interested in hearing about the injury that destroyed my dream of retiring from the military, just as my father did. No, that bores even me. Speaking of my father, there is the fact that I met him for the first time when I was sixteen. Thatís something that I bet not many other people will write about.

What about my marriage to another sailor, or our bitter divorce? Maybe that would be the best choice, since it was a strong motivator for my going to college. Then again, there is my return to school itself. How I was scared to my toes at the thought of going to college for the first time at the age of twenty-six. What if everyone was younger than me? Could I handle the course load? I kept thinking of high school, and howĀEverage I was. Anyway, to make a long story short, I did it. I enrolled in community college. I could go on about how it was the smartest decision I have ever made, but everyone says that. I need something original.

I could tell you "I am the perfect candidate for admission becauseĀEquot; and then go on to mention that I was made the VP of Phi Theta Kappa, I joined a few clubs, and ran for Student Government. I made it by the way, thanks for asking. I have also maintained a 4.0 GPA while doing it. All of this would be great to write about, but there are probably 4,000 other essays you still have to read that say the same thing, plus itís not very exciting, is it? I guess exciting isnít really the point, though. I have to write two pages that convey my character and values that will convince an admissions committee, that Iím sure has heard it all, to choose me.

The problem is that Iím a very simple person, and my character and values are just as simple to explain. To the people in my life Iím a shoulder to lean on, a sympathetic ear, and a fiercely loyal friend. Iím a vegetarian for the simple reason that I canít stand to see animals suffer. I even pick up the worms off of the sidewalk after it rains so they donít die in the hot Las Vegas sun. I live my life adhering to the simple fact that if you are a good person, good things will happen to you; I believe in karma. I also know that nothing in life is more important to me than my education. But how do I say all of that in 250-500 words? Forget it, maybe Iíll just start over.

By cookie on Tuesday, February 18, 2003 - 06:01 pm: Edit

It's a good essay, but you need to work on the opening. You're trying to sound a little too sarcastic buddy. Maybe try telling a story. I talked about me moving to a new state or just work what with ya got. Good Luck.

By cookie on Tuesday, February 18, 2003 - 06:06 pm: Edit

also, buddy, try not to use really big words when not needed. e.g.- "There always the epiphany after high school." Try to be simple yet try to get your point cross in the way you want.

By cookie on Tuesday, February 18, 2003 - 06:07 pm: Edit

good last paragraph. good luck!

By Sweetie on Tuesday, February 18, 2003 - 08:01 pm: Edit

i like the word epiphany--big words, used wisely, show you have a vocabulary, which is always a good thing.

i think it's an excellent essay, your life sounds like it has been really interesting. good luck to you!

By Lucky (Lucky) on Tuesday, February 18, 2003 - 08:41 pm: Edit

I think it's "cute." It seems to edge back and forth between being conversational and serious. You ought to choose one tone or the other and stick with it.

The essay jumps around a LOT and it's unfortunate because I think that if you were to select one of your paragraphs and expound upon it, you could fill up the 500-word space without complaining about it.

I realize this is your "angle," and it's cool but not necessarily novel and can be annoying if not done correctly. I am confident you can pull it off, but I disagree with cookie on a key point: your last paragraph, which is to serve as a conclusion, crams too much new information in all at once. Try to space it out and you'll be fine.

Best wishes,

By Quaggs on Tuesday, February 18, 2003 - 11:18 pm: Edit

It is really out of order; the images are flung together like a collage. Although it has a focus, your life, how you present it, it's just too chaotic. Write something more transitional. Just look at the above post.

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