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My Philosophical Stance
=======================

I’m supposed to be a Marxist when I was young, as we were all expected in china.
But later, I becames a utilitarian after my father told me he also don’t believe in communism.
I’ve recently convinced myself to be an agnostic, here is my reason.
We knows that human beings are only able to sense a very narrow range of the
electromagnetic spectrum. Anything beyond ultra violet and infrared we cannot see.
With advanced technology, we overcame some limitation of our sensory organs. But
there is still certain range in the EM spectrum yet to be explored.
Now consider that (electron-magnetic spectrum) as one axis, there might exist other
axises along which human perception is restricted or totally blinded. That means
within a pseudo-space defined by these axises, human awareness only span a restrict
zone/dimension. In plain words it means, because human beings don’t have sensory
organs which is able to detect sensory signals other than smell, sound, light, force etc.,
we are all in some way ’blind’. Of course everything has exceptions, in this case, people
usually call them the sixth sense, supernatural ability, or any other vocabulary we use
to describe unexplainable things or phenomena.
Take Physics for example. It is constructed within the conceptual framework of
mass, space, and time. It is so because we can sense mass, space and time and we
think they are essential elements of physical world. But how about something that
is also essential of physical world but we human beings cannot sense. Isn’t then our
physics just a slice of bread instead of a whole loaf? We cannot sense something doesn’t
mean it does not exist. We learned this principle from our early day physics class when
we were taught the concept magmatic field. Therefore, those hidden zone/dimension i
mentioned above might exists.
Then, my beliefs, more specifically, about antitheism, and consequently darwinism,
afterlife, material-independant metaphysics etc. seems to be doubtful. Since, firstly, the
accumulated human KNOWLEDGE till now(on which my beliefs system established)
is base on our perception in that restricted zone/dimension, they might not reflect the
whole picture and are inherently restricted too. Secondly, the zone/dimesion we live
in is not self-closed therefore interference from zone/dimension outside will have eect
on us. I cannot sense ultimate intelligence of certain kind, in short, God, does not
automatically justify the claim that it does not exist.

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 09:19 am: Edit

Best thing I've ever read. (Giggle. Keeping Straight face. Giggle. Gales of raucous laughter.)

By Drusba (Drusba) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 09:32 am: Edit

This will be a cold dose. You are not Kant or Nietzsche. What you have is (a) virtually incomprehensible; (b) uses big words for the sake of using them; (c) has numerous grammatical errors (e.g., adding an "s" to the end of verbs where it does not belong); (d) attempts to put far too many different concepts into one essay. You need to start over.

For an essay think as follows:

1. The admin officer is looking for you to cover one subject well while revealing your intelligence and personality in an easily understood way.

2. You need sentence and paragraph structure. The essay should begin with the concept you will explore more fully, then should explore it and then conclude.

3. Grammar and spelling must be perfect. In fact, many admin officers consider that far more important than what is said.

4. Simplicity in writing rules. Only fools need to use a lot of big words and complicated sentences and concepts to hide their foolishness.

5. Don't use contractions.

6. Trying to do some complex philosophical paper just does not make it.

By Hauptmann (Hauptmann) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 10:33 am: Edit

thank you Drusba, for your candid comments.

more comments pls

By Hauptmann (Hauptmann) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 02:23 pm: Edit

no more comments?

I think I wrote a great essay with some minor defects. anyone really understand what I mean in the essay? or you guy simply looked at the grammar, choice of word, developement of paragraph and draw the conclusion?

I'm not Kant or Nietzsche, and I don't think like them. I think like me myself.

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 02:30 pm: Edit

Go Away.

By Hauptmann (Hauptmann) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 02:37 pm: Edit

Noodleman, I don't welcome a rude people in my thread as if I don't welcome rude guest come to my house. so please Go Away.

By Tri_N (Tri_N) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 02:42 pm: Edit

No offense, but your application would be tossed to the garbage can if you submit this crap. No, there aren't that many big words in there as some posters complain because I can understand it perfectly fine.

A couple of things:

1) You went off on a tangent at the beginning and try to connect it at the end. Might want to input God at the beginning and make your case from there. How is the statement of you born to be a Marxist have to do with the essay?

2) Really unorganized. You're jumping ideas all around this piece. Narrow your scope.

3) Incorrect grammar, poor diction, and horrible syntax.

4) Get rid of the parentheses; they're annoying.

5) If you consider this essay a great work of literature, you need to check the credential of your English teacher again.

Sorry for the cold truths.

By Shahab (Shahab) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 02:53 pm: Edit

when i read your essay, i
1) learned nothing about your personality
2) learned you are very bad at spelling and, worse, communicating
3) immediately felt that the topic you chose was far too controversial
4) feel that you wandered entirely too much throughout the essay. stick to one topic.

On a 1-10, 1 being the worst, I am sad to say that I would have to give this essay a 2.

By Monkey10165767 (Monkey10165767) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 02:56 pm: Edit

Scoob, scoob, scoob..scooby scooby doo doo doo...Do you believe in magic?

By Jolt21 (Jolt21) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 02:57 pm: Edit

yea...this essay is waaay to complicated..a lesson to all..stick to simplicity!

By Hauptmann (Hauptmann) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 03:05 pm: Edit

I think the structure is very clear.

1)propose the question(why being an agnostic) at the beginning.

2)if knowledge assemble is derived based on axioms, while the axioms is based on our perceptions. then if the our perceptions is limited(electromagnetic example is used to corroborate this point here), the axioms assemble is incomplete, hence is the knowledge.

3)physics can be considered as a separate knowlege assemble, so it is used as a example to argue the point in 2) further.

4)with logic developement in 2) & 3) now my conclusion is one cannot used incompleted knowledge to infer objectively existing facts outside the known knowledge assemble. this is why I adopt agnostic (answer the question proposed in 1)).

I think the idea is sound and the essay well organized. but it is ture that 1) 300+ words cannot develope the idea thoroughly 2) my need to further strengthen my command of english language.

By H0neymoon (H0neymoon) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 03:20 pm: Edit

It just seems extremely showy. Nothing grabs me as personal, in fact it seems more like a thesis or some sort of physics or life science essay. I've really very little science knowledge as I've not studied it in any form since the year 2000, so all that physics talk overwhelmed me. I personally like to read something a tad more personal, a little more focused, and ever so much lighter.

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 04:06 pm: Edit

..

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 04:08 pm: Edit

.

By Candi1657 (Candi1657) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 04:11 pm: Edit

That was mean, Noodleman.

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 04:14 pm: Edit

What was mean?

By Candi1657 (Candi1657) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 04:22 pm: Edit

You are childish, making rude posts and then editing them out.

By Tri_N (Tri_N) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 04:40 pm: Edit

Dude, we're giving you the truth right now. If you don't want to take our advice, go ahead and submit it. Unlike some people, I have a commanding knowledge about science and I also know a thing or two about writing. Your paper isn't a good paper period.

A couple of things:

1) Establish your style throughout your paper. If you're not good at writing scientific paper, don't even try it. Your tone is very informal and that isn't going to look well in the admission peeople eyes. For example, "I'm agonostic and here's the reason why." Do you see good writers writing like this? There's many eloquent ways to phrase this. If you need help with this paper, seek some professional help like your English teacher. If not, try to find the best writers in your school to proofread this. I'm not sure about the quality of your school but most good writers would give you the same advice that I'm giving you right now.

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 05:12 pm: Edit

With all due respect, Candi, the post wasn't particularly rude in my opinion. I removed it out of deference to your sensibilities, however, as I am no one to judge another's sensitivities. My subsequent post was meant to be self-effacing, not childish--though i understand how you might have seen it as being such.

If we spirits have offended
Think but this and all is mended
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear

This person has been posting the same essay on a number of boards here. People give him/her honest feedback, (generally negative, which is perfectly appropriate given the quality of the submission), he/she argues for a while, and on and on ad infinitum. I lost patience. My fault, however for taking the bait, so mea culpa.

By Candi1657 (Candi1657) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 05:55 pm: Edit

All is forgotten.

By Shahab (Shahab) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 06:37 pm: Edit

hauptmann, look this is not a thesis. do not defend your essay. you can either take our advice or not. unless you sneak into the adcom's office at the exact same time he is reading your essay, you wont be able to defend it against his critiques. either he understands it or doesnt. Either he thinks its good or it isnt. Likewise, we are judging by what we see, and if you were wise you would look at the general consensus of thumbs down and rewrite the essay or ditch it altogether for a new one.

By Radiostar (Radiostar) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 07:11 pm: Edit

Have you ever gotten really high and written something that seemed profound at the time, but then you wake up in the morning and can't figure out what the hell you were trying to say?

Yeah.

This essay has many flaws, beyond the basic misuse of grammar and punctuation. The college application is not a forum to explain the existence of the universe and our place in it. This essay tells us very little about you except that you're trying too hard to impress and that you don't have a firm grasp on subject-verb agreement.

On the postitive side, at least this essay is different, and trying to be deep. "Trying" being the operative word, here.

I don't care if you submit this essay or not, but I can tell you this: no one will be impressed by your philosophy if you can't spell correctly. Say what you will about Neitzsche, but he had very few typoes.

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 11:01 pm: Edit

Sorry dude. But there are right. You gotta be yourself. That snobby, know-it-all crap essay won't get you into the college of your choice. BE HUMBLE! It pays off.

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 11:11 pm: Edit

Hey HAUP, here's my transfer essay to NYU. Read it. Maybe you can see the difference between yours and mines, homeboy.

I deliberated to myself as I applied to Fordham University, a four year university located in the heart of New York City. I sent in my application, hoping I would be accepted to this school. And I was accepted, but not to the campus of my choice. I desperately wanted to be offered admission to the Lincoln Center campus in Manhattan in order become a worldly, sophisticated, ultra-chic New Yorker. Sadly, I was rejected; however, the Marymount campus located in Tarrytown, New York accepted me with open arms. Marymount was once an elite women’s' college until the early 1980's. In July 2002, Fordham University merged with Marymount College to save it from closing its doors. Suddenly had an electrifying, shell-shocking, toe curling epiphany!


"The student-professor ratio at Marymount is 12:1" I thought to myself. "Therefore, I will have total, one to one access with my professors when necessary. So I decided to give Marymount College of Fordham University a chance! Little did I know that plunging into a swimming pool without any water in it would be much more "delightful" than spending an entire year at Marymount.

I hail from a hardworking, wholesome, working class Nigerian family. My mother, who divorced my father when I was ten, taught my siblings and me to be compassionate, opinionated and independent individuals. Since attending Marymount, I've only met a handful of compassionate, opinionated, independent young ladies like myself. In other words, many of the girls at Marymount are just plain mean! In addition, since Marymount is so small, one is automatically bombarded with bad vibes and negative energy in large, excruciating, heart-splitting doses.


From the time I officially matriculated at Marymount in late August, I unwillingly partook in a treacherous mind game battle with a former roommate and was harassed by sophomore pathological liar. Also, I withdrew a class because I was disappointed in the quality of the teaching staff. My Computer Applications professor recently completed graduate school and had no previous teaching experience. I expected for this introductory course to have a limited number of students in order to provide an optimum learning environment and facilitate a personal relationship with the professor. Conversely, the class was overcrowded; I often found myself arriving to class up to a half-hour ahead of schedule so that I would have a seat in the class. As a result of my professor’s inexperience, she found herself quite overwhelmed instructing such a large class. Yet, with God’s grace and my family’s undying support, I prevailed and managed to receive good marks in my other courses.

My first semester was difficult one, yet my passion and overwhelming desire to learn and grow into a truly good human being still actively burns inside of me. My goal in life is to become a legendary screenwriter because I want to tell attention grabbing, fast paced, yet heart warming stories to the world like my “director idols,” Billy Wilder, Preston Struges, Frank Capra, Howard Hawks, and Joe L. Mankiewicz I am positive I will receive superior writing and creative training from the well qualified faculty members in the dramatic writing department of the Tisch School of the Arts.

NYU is one of the top private universities in the nation and I am determined to gain admission for the fall semester of 2004. I know that I will be an enormous asset to the university and vibrant community. Besides, I love being a wannabe New Yorker! It’s a challenge!

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 11:12 pm: Edit

Hey HAUP, here's my transfer essay to NYU. Read it. Maybe you can see the difference between yours and mines, homeboy.

I deliberated to myself as I applied to Fordham University, a four year university located in the heart of New York City. I sent in my application, hoping I would be accepted to this school. And I was accepted, but not to the campus of my choice. I desperately wanted to be offered admission to the Lincoln Center campus in Manhattan in order become a worldly, sophisticated, ultra-chic New Yorker. Sadly, I was rejected; however, the Marymount campus located in Tarrytown, New York accepted me with open arms. Marymount was once an elite women’s' college until the early 1980's. In July 2002, Fordham University merged with Marymount College to save it from closing its doors. Suddenly had an electrifying, shell-shocking, toe curling epiphany!


"The student-professor ratio at Marymount is 12:1" I thought to myself. "Therefore, I will have total, one to one access with my professors when necessary. So I decided to give Marymount College of Fordham University a chance! Little did I know that plunging into a swimming pool without any water in it would be much more "delightful" than spending an entire year at Marymount.

I hail from a hardworking, wholesome, working class Nigerian family. My mother, who divorced my father when I was ten, taught my siblings and me to be compassionate, opinionated and independent individuals. Since attending Marymount, I've only met a handful of compassionate, opinionated, independent young ladies like myself. In other words, many of the girls at Marymount are just plain mean! In addition, since Marymount is so small, one is automatically bombarded with bad vibes and negative energy in large, excruciating, heart-splitting doses.


From the time I officially matriculated at Marymount in late August, I unwillingly partook in a treacherous mind game battle with a former roommate and was harassed by sophomore pathological liar. Also, I withdrew a class because I was disappointed in the quality of the teaching staff. My Computer Applications professor recently completed graduate school and had no previous teaching experience. I expected for this introductory course to have a limited number of students in order to provide an optimum learning environment and facilitate a personal relationship with the professor. Conversely, the class was overcrowded; I often found myself arriving to class up to a half-hour ahead of schedule so that I would have a seat in the class. As a result of my professor’s inexperience, she found herself quite overwhelmed instructing such a large class. Yet, with God’s grace and my family’s undying support, I prevailed and managed to receive good marks in my other courses.

My first semester was difficult one, yet my passion and overwhelming desire to learn and grow into a truly good human being still actively burns inside of me. My goal in life is to become a legendary screenwriter because I want to tell attention grabbing, fast paced, yet heart warming stories to the world like my “director idols,” Billy Wilder, Preston Struges, Frank Capra, Howard Hawks, and Joe L. Mankiewicz I am positive I will receive superior writing and creative training from the well qualified faculty members in the dramatic writing department of the Tisch School of the Arts.

NYU is one of the top private universities in the nation and I am determined to gain admission for the fall semester of 2004. I know that I will be an enormous asset to the university and vibrant community. Besides, I love being a wannabe New Yorker! It’s a challenge!

By Ifyoucould (Ifyoucould) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 12:32 am: Edit

obviously fordhamchica03 is very proud of his/her essay..
i didnt read it through but i hope its good, cuz if its not..well, its a bit embarassing isnt it forhamchica03? =)
just joking, but i agree that the OPs essay is pretty bad..when i first read the essay..it was like i was listening to a Rugrat(Tommie, Chuckie or whatever) talk because of the grammar mistakes like "We knows".

By Brentlomas (Brentlomas) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 01:19 pm: Edit

fordhamchica's essay wan't that great either.... Sorry, but if you're going to offer your personal work as a model of perfection, please make sure it's good.

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 01:36 pm: Edit

"Since attending Marymount, I've only met a handful of compassionate, opinionated, independent young ladies like myself. In other words, many of the girls at Marymount are just plain mean! In addition, since Marymount is so small, one is automatically bombarded with bad vibes and negative energy in large, excruciating, heart-splitting doses."

I think that one has to be really careful when putting down another person's essay while at the same time putting forth one's own efforts.

Among the things that concerned me about your essay was how you apparently went to Fordham's Marymount college without investigating what things were like there. This shows some poor planning on your part.

I also thought it was unnecessary to point out that you had been rejected from another part of Fordham. Why let a transfer college know that another college rejected you especially when the college that rejected you was lower ranked?

In addition, you seem to feel the need to put down others in order to glorify yourself. Many people would wonder why anyone could have met so many mean people as you indicate you've met in college. Readers might wonder whether the problem is how you treat people. Perhaps, for instance, you had a chip on your shoulder because you didn't get into the campus you desired.

Other than your saying that you hate your current college and want to go to NYU, the essay doesn't provide concrete reasons for NYU to accept you.

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 02:16 pm: Edit

I think that Fordhamchica wanted to illustrate the differences between her essay and Hauptmann.
It succeeded in showing the differences in grammar and punctuation.

However, it also illustrates, that despite being very important, good grammar and punctuation represent only a small part of the college admission's essay.

For different reasons, the two essays are some of the worst ever posted on CC.

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 03:31 pm: Edit

Xiggi, you are only person who has said my essay is bad. With all due respect, why do you think so? Can I have some feedback?

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 03:53 pm: Edit

Fordham~

How do you reconcile "BE HUMBLE! It pays off" with "I will be an enormous asset" and "My goal in life is to become a legendary screenwriter"?

Read NSMom's post. In your essay, you told NYU something they knew (being a top college in the nation) and very little about you that they would WANT to know. You found the way to come across as condescending and insulting. Your opinion of Marymount's students and faculty is as bad as it gets.

Lastly, when it comes to style and substance, the following sentence is telling: "From the time I officially matriculated at Marymount in late August, I unwillingly partook in a treacherous mind game battle with a former roommate". The words and the phrase construction are not what adcoms want to read.

I'm sorry but your essay missed the mark by a whole mile.

X

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 04:10 pm: Edit

I honestly respect you guys opnions. But Marymount does suck terribly. I was writing the truth! One of my first roommates hated my guts. She was SO MEAN to me! I even became depressed for awhile. And I was harahased sic by a girl in the sophmore class for no reason. This is the truth, I am good person. I got into the University of San Franscisco, but they didn't give enough fin aid. I got into a couple of other colleges, but I got no money either. Marymount was at last choice. I mean, it's really bad here. About 90 percent of the freshman class will be gone. The retention rate is 60-70%. It's a horrible place to be. I'm serious!

By Whaaasssaaa (Whaaasssaaa) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 04:44 pm: Edit

i didnt look at all of the posts so maybe this has already been said; however, i wouldn't dream of sending this essay to any reputable college. it reflects nothing about your personality and is pretty much rather garbled and incomprehensible. colleges want an insight into the applicants personality, demeanor, intelligence, organization abilities, and writing ability. this essay showcases none of it. i would say: scrap the essay and write a new one with what i and other people have said in mind.

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 05:13 pm: Edit

When writing essays about why you want to transfer, colleges want to know what exactly you have good to offer the college. If all you do is say how horrible where you are is, you come across as an ingrate (since after all the college accepted you, and in your case presumably also gave merit aid) and you seem like a person who's a malcontent.

This is similar to how savvy people who hate their jobs seek new employment. It's the kiss of death to run down one's current employer. One doesn't say, "Everyone but me is mean and treacherous." If a person thinks that everyone where they work is mean and treacherous, the person hearing what is said may jump to the conclusion that since it's highly unlikely that everyone in a location is mean and treacherous, the problem likely lies with the complainer.

In trying to change jobs, one focuses on the positive: "While I have learned a great deal on my job and have contributed to X,Y, Z projects, I feel it's time to take on a new challenge."

Anyway, particularly since you're trying to transfer from a second tier college to a first tier college, you should be playing up your own strengths much more, not running down the institution where you are.Basically, what your essay says is that you are very miserable where you are and you want to leave. It says absolutely nothing about what you've learned during your time at Marymount that would help you be an asset to NYU.

Presumably when you applied to college as a high school senior, your application wasn't considered strong enough to get into schools that are the quality of NYU. To have a good chance of getting in as a transfer, you'd probably need to demonstrate that as a result of your Marymount experience, you are a far stronger candidate than you were in high school. This isn't illustrated by your essay, which seems whiny.

By Tri_N (Tri_N) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 05:13 pm: Edit

LOL, two horrible essays in one thread.

If you're going to pave the way for someone, you better not be blind yourself.

A couple of things about Ford essays:

1) Maybe it's just me but I noticing an irregular style throughout the essay. At some points, I thought that part of the essays reserve for chatting because the tone is very ambiguous between informal and formal.

2) A lot of unnecessary adjectives. Don't you know that adjective is the devil for writers.

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 06:35 pm: Edit

I totally understand what you guys are saying. Okay my essay is bad. I just wanted to be truthful. This was my exprience at Marymount. It was truly a horrible one. And it's the truth. I'll re write it okay. Thanks for the input!

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 06:55 pm: Edit

I am truly sorry about your experience at Marymount and I can understand why you wrote about in your essay. I hope you'll see that an outisder will judge it differently. In your case, you need to stress what a great student you are and let the bad experiences disappear. You mentioned that you did great in your other classes ... can you build on that? You mentioned your "idols", is there anything you could use in their work to illustrate how YOU would follow the trail they blazed?

Also, is there anyone on the faculty of NYU/Tisch who does inspire you? Can you say that Prof X of Marymount has instilled in you the desire to excel in (fill the blanks) but that Doctor Y at Tisch would propel you in another stratosphere.

You need to find a way to sell yourself!

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 07:05 pm: Edit

I get want your saying. I can do that! Thanks man!

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 07:06 pm: Edit

Fordhamchica,
I am glad we were able to give you feedback while there's still time to change your essay. In emphasizing the positive, if you aren't from NYC, you could say how going to Marymount has taught you that you can thrive in large metropolitan areas, and you know you definitely want to remain in NY.

Also explain exactly what you did to succeed despite having crowded classes. For instance, you can stress more the things that you did such as coming 1/2 hour early to make sure you got a seat so you could learn.

If you also joined any activities or did any kind of ECs that built on your skills that, too, would be important.

And did no professors or other people have a positive influence on you at Marymount? Surely something about the experience cemented your certainty about your career path. And isn't a professor having to write a recommendation for your transfer? If so, I would think you have had some kind of positive experiences with that person.

Figure out, too what NYU looks for in students going into your prospective major, and illustrate in your essay what you've done to show that you fit the bill. Having hopes and dreams isn't enough. Show specific actions you've taken and challenges you've met.

By Virgo007 (Virgo007) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 07:09 pm: Edit

I feel asleep half way through it.

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 07:48 pm: Edit

Thanks guys! Sadly there's only two theatre profs at MM, they not very helpful. I sent in the old essay, but I'll resend it tommorrow. This is the new one.

I deliberated to myself as I applied to Fordham University, a four year university located in the heart of New York City. I sent in my application, hoping I would be accepted to this school. And I was accepted, but not to the campus of my choice. I desperately wanted to be offered admission to the Lincoln Center campus in Manhattan in order become a worldly, sophisticated, ultra-chic New Yorker. Sadly, I was rejected; however, the Marymount campus located in Tarrytown, New York accepted me with open arms. In July 2002, Fordham University merged with Marymount College to save it from closing its doors. Suddenly had an electrifying, shell-shocking, toe curling epiphany!

"The student-professor ratio at Marymount is 12:1" I thought to myself. "Therefore, I will have total, one to one access with my professors when necessary. So I decided to give Marymount College of Fordham University a chance!

I hail from a hardworking, wholesome, working class Nigerian family. My mother, who divorced my father when I was ten, taught my siblings and me to be compassionate, opinionated and independent individuals. Since attending Marymount, I admit, I've only met a handful of compassionate, opinionated, independent young ladies like myself. I’ve always treated my friends and people around me with respect because my mother raised me to do so. Since attending, I have learned that a woman must always be strong and never let away take advantage of her. I was very naïve first semester. I wanted to make lots of new friends because I though it was necessary to a social “Queen Bee.” After being treated badly by my first roommate and harassed by a girl in the sophomore class, I realized education is the gateway to my success in life. Although, Marymount is very rigorous academically, I feel it does not possess the competitive classroom environment I need to stand out when I enter the professional world.

Also, I withdrew a class because I was disappointed in the quality of the teaching staff. My Computer Applications professor recently completed graduate school and had no previous teaching experience. I expected for this introductory course to have a limited number of students in order to provide an optimum learning environment and facilitate a personal relationship with the professor. Conversely, the class was overcrowded; I often found myself arriving to class up to a half-hour ahead of schedule so that I would have a seat in the class. I felt I could not excel in such an overcrowded class. With God’s grace and my family’s undying support, I prevailed and managed to receive good marks in my other courses. They pushed me and I knew I could not be a failure because my mother, who couldn’t afford to attend college, works her hardest to help finance my education.

My first semester was difficult one, yet my passion and overwhelming desire to learn and grow into a truly good human being still actively burns inside of me. My goal in life is to become a legendary screenwriter because I want to tell attention grabbing, fast paced, yet heart warming stories to the world like my “director idols,” Billy Wilder, Preston Struges, Frank Capra, Howard Hawks, and Joe L. Mankiewicz. I love them because they are such vivid story-tellers. And with the right polishing, I hope to become nearly as wonderful as them. I am positive I will receive superior writing and creative training from the well qualified faculty members in the dramatic writing department of the Tisch School of the Arts.

NYU is one of the top private universities in the nation and I would be truly honored and grateful if I was given admission for the fall semester of 2004. I think that I will be an enormous asset to the university and vibrant community. Besides, I love being a wannabe New Yorker! It’s a challenge!

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 08:36 pm: Edit

bump, northstarmom i need an opnion so i can send it first thing in the morning. thanks!

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 08:45 pm: Edit

bump

By Noodleman (Noodleman) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 08:48 pm: Edit

I hate to say this (and please believe that this is not just a random, sniping post) but I think the problem is not solved by juggling a few words around, but rather by choosing another topic; This essay gives one the impression that you are vapid, vacuous, and in general, a complainer.

Tell them something REAL about yourself. The one sentence about your mom (They pushed me and I knew I could not be a failure because my mother, who couldn’t afford to attend college, works her hardest to help finance my education.) is OK. The rest? Basura. Dump the rest, including the shameless pandering to NYU. Open your heart--you will be rewarded. Write truthfully. All the best writers do.

I went to NYU. Tisch, in fact. They will hate this as is. I promise. You can do much better; I'm sure of it.

By Mundanesundays (Mundanesundays) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 08:57 pm: Edit

fordhamchica:
Here's my take on your second draft:

it's better than the first, but still could use some major polishing. it's very choppy in places, and awkward in others. For example,

"My mother, who divorced my father when I was ten, taught my siblings and me to be compassionate, opinionated and independent individuals. Since attending Marymount, I admit, I've only met a handful of compassionate, opinionated, independent young ladies like myself."

This is very repetitious - take out the second string of adjectives instead of saying the same thing twice.

Also:

" "The student-professor ratio at Marymount is 12:1" I thought to myself. "Therefore, I will have total, one to one access with my professors when necessary. So I decided to give Marymount College of Fordham University a chance!"

This isn't a real paragraph. Either take it out altogether or build on it.

" I realized education is the gateway to my success in life. Although, Marymount is very rigorous academically, I feel it does not possess the competitive classroom environment I need to stand out when I enter the professional world. "

I feel like this is the best line in the essay. This is your thesis. Build your essay on it. Right now, your essay is still a little bit all over the place. Try to unify it more, and try to express more clearly WHY you feel that Marymount isn't the right school for you, besides the fact that people were mean. Why is NYU a better environment, socially and academically?

"My goal in life is to become a legendary screenwriter "
I would maybe leave out the "legendary" so as not to sound so pompous or even just naive. Do you want to be legendary or excellently skilled? Sometimes, there's a difference.

"Besides, I love being a wannabe New Yorker! It’s a challenge! "
This might just be me, but this sentence doesn't make much sense. If you went to NYU, you wouldn't be a wannabe New Yorker, you'd be a real one. It doesn't add to your thesis that NYU is the place for you - it is just confusing.

hope this isn't too late. good luck with NYU!

By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 09:30 pm: Edit

thanks guys. i'm working on the new essay!

By Idonotcare (Idonotcare) on Friday, April 02, 2004 - 10:41 pm: Edit

i think the orgininal essay is really good; the biggest mistake you made is post them here and ask some pretentious people to critique.