|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 03:39 pm: Edit|
Tell me what you think of this essay with the topic "Describe the accomplishment that has given you the greatest satisfaction to this point in your life."
When people ask me to describe my greatest accomplishment, they expect to hear about my collection of Science Olympiad medals or how I taught my sister to write in script, perhaps even about the time I single-handedly slew a gargantuan fire-breathing dragon as the world¡¯s first female Chinese-American knight. These musings, however, cannot compare to my experience- a tale of mystery, of disappointment, and of eventual triumph. It goes a little something like this¡
With my eight-year-old hand, I gave the tube a fierce squeeze, unleashing a big mound of sparkly blue paste onto my awaiting toothbrush. Ignoring the urging of my daddy¡¯s voice at the back of my head to use only a ¡°pea-sized amount,¡± I jammed the entire thing into my gaping mouth. It tasted of mint. White foam trickled from the corners of my lips as my arm worked back and forth, making sure that every nook and cranny was properly spread with the thick cleaning compound. Interesting sounds emerged from my face. I enjoyed, among other things, brushing my teeth.
Standing on my tippee toes, I strained to see myself grin in the big bathroom mirror. Somehow, each time I did this, the reflection was different. Adult teeth replaced baby molars and pearly whites gave way to braces, color coordinated to the holiday of the month. My once silky skin became dotted with pink bumps, euphemistically called acne blemishes. Then one day, it happened.
I was in a rush to go to a significant piano recital or to head to school for a big, all-important test. I don¡¯t remember. I decided to go through the motions of my daily routine, except double-time. Uncap. Squeeze. Brush. Spit. Rinse. Gurgle.
That night, much to my dismay and confusion, the paste did not emerge in its smooth, elegant form but rather, spurted as hardened goop, flying beyond my toothbrush to land in the sink. Only after half a minute of wasteful squeezing and a sink full of ugly, rigor mortis afflicted blue blobs did the texture of the toothpaste return, somewhat, to normal. However, by this time, my fun had already been spoilt and the taste was not as fresh.
Lying in bed, I flipped the situation over in my head. I replayed the scenes of the day. I remembered getting up, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, rushing off, doing whatever it was I had to do, coming home, and brushing my teeth. The general events slipped past, and I still was left clueless about what had happened to lead to the unfortunate flailing of my once supple toothpaste. Finally, with drooping eyelids but unfaltering determination, I tried once more, carefully sifting through every movement to find the missing link to explain why I had been deprived of my minty pleasure. As I drifted away into the dream world, the last thought which crossed my mind was ¡°cap it.¡± I had solved the mystery.
And so, my greatest accomplishment is actually quite small. In the midst of slaying dragons and saving the world from devastation, I had forgotten the small things in life, forgotten the exquisite beauty of details. Sometimes, it¡¯s nice to just stop¡
...and cap the toothpaste.
|By Ifyoucould (Ifyoucould) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 03:52 pm: Edit|
it is an interesting essay, but i think u should develop a little more about how u had "forgotten the small things in life, forgotten the exquisite beauty of details" and how it's nice to just stop. u should explain more how that ties into you brushing your teeth. i get where you are going, but its not quite apparent how capping your toothpaste is 'stopping' and enjoying the exquisite beauty of life.
|By I1lmatics (I1lmatics) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 03:55 pm: Edit|
I think you write really well and your topic is definatly unique..one of the better essays I have read on this site..gl with it
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 04:05 pm: Edit|
I really appreciate your responses. Ifyoucould- I agree with you that I probably should have developed it a little more before sending it off. It was part of 5 essay collection I sent to Princeton and towards the end, I was just so enervated.
Anyone else want to comment? Thanks in advance!!!
|By I1lmatics (I1lmatics) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 04:05 pm: Edit|
"Standing on my tippee toes, I strained to see myself grin in the big bathroom mirror. Somehow, each time I did this, the reflection was different. Adult teeth replaced baby molars and pearly whites gave way to braces, color coordinated to the holiday of the month. My once silky skin became dotted with pink bumps, euphemistically called acne blemishes. Then one day, it happened. "
Really good paragraph, it is tough to show the transition of time and i think you nailed it
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 04:07 pm: Edit|
|By Virgo007 (Virgo007) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 04:39 pm: Edit|
That is a really good essay. Seriously, this is a really unique approach to a rather generic question. Keep it.
|By Foreignboy (Foreignboy) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 04:44 pm: Edit|
Brilliant idea, but get rid of the 'small things in life' part.
|By Hannah86 (Hannah86) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 06:57 pm: Edit|
unique essay. finalize it by running a copy to your english teacher to run through and check for any errors
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 07:39 pm: Edit|
Thanks for your input, everyone! I have actually already sent this essay to Princeton and I just want people to tell me what they think, if I have a chance and such.
Keep posting! Thanks again!
|By Scorp (Scorp) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 09:54 pm: Edit|
Wow. You've inspired me to brush my teeth.
|By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Wednesday, March 03, 2004 - 10:25 pm: Edit|
wow i love your essay. it's unique and it works. i see how your capping the toothpaste represents the "small things in life" and your going through the daily routine. you clearly showed your transformation from being a child to a grown adolescent and how, in all this time, you went through parts of the daily routine like brushing your teeth. best of luck!
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 09:09 am: Edit|
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 06:13 pm: Edit|
another question... do you guys think it would be a good idea to write a letter to some of the colleges I applied to (namely the big 3) updating them on my most recent awards (like National Merit Finalist)?
keep critiquing my essay!! Thanks a bunch
|By Entropicgirl (Entropicgirl) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 07:31 pm: Edit|
Actually, I like it better without too much "development" at the end. Sitting there and spelling out the obvious would be boring/condescending; the way you did it, they see where you're going with it but it doesn't lose its sense of fun.
I like it.
|By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 07:38 pm: Edit|
yes, you should report your national merit finalist standing to all colleges that you applied...it's a significant accomplishment
|By Aim78 (Aim78) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 07:42 pm: Edit|
Hehe, it's geniunely funny and that's hard to find in high school writing. But is it appropriate? I dunno. I think it'll either be hit or miss, but most likely it'll give the reader a chuckle.
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 09:31 pm: Edit|
Gianscolere: Alright, I think I will! Thanks!! I should write it in a letter or email or something right? Is it too late?
Also, I only sent this essay to Princeton, but all the encouragement on this board is starting to make me think I should have sent it to Harvard and Yale as well. Do you think it would be a bad idea to include this essay in the letter I send to the schools updating my awards? Kinda like a side thing..."since I submitted my application I became a National Merit Finalist and blah and blah...but the REAL satisfication comes from..." then present the essay? Would I be overdoing it? Would Yale and Harvard get annoyed?
THANKS SOOOOO MUCH for all the input, guys! You're really awesome!! Best of luck to each and every one of yas!
|By Touky (Touky) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 10:10 pm: Edit|
I don't know..i think the essay would have been better without all the cliched references. there were in a light mood, but still annoyingly trite.
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 10:56 pm: Edit|
Touky- Can you tell me what "cliched references" you were annoyed by? Thanks!!
|By Bluangel2me (Bluangel2me) on Thursday, March 04, 2004 - 11:06 pm: Edit|
Toothpaste girl (I forget your name and am too lazy to scroll up)
First of all, I love your essay. I have decided to take a different approach on one of my essays even though I sent in one already.. I say go for it and send it to Harvard, Yale and wherever else. However, I would make the "new awards" thing an entirely different document. Just list them and ask that they add them to your app file, then explain that you included a new essay too. What can it hurt? The worst they can do is not read it, but chances are they will =) good luck!
|By Madhouse (Madhouse) on Friday, March 05, 2004 - 12:35 am: Edit|
hey, if i were u, i'd leave out the pimple part.....cause u get the pic of a girl with braces & pimples all over her face brushing her teeth real hard....lol...not sure if it's a good thing or not....
much props on the essay tho!
|By Flyguy (Flyguy) on Friday, March 05, 2004 - 12:41 am: Edit|
That image turns me on. Yeah baby
|By Anger (Anger) on Friday, March 05, 2004 - 05:11 am: Edit|
Unique indeed!Should a refreshing essay for basically any adcom!
Out of curiosity where all did you send this essay to?
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Friday, March 05, 2004 - 02:59 pm: Edit|
LOL. Madhouse, that IS a funny thing to imagaine! I'm not sure if its good or bad either. Anyhow, I don't have braces anymore...only straight teeth. As for pimples? well, depends on what i eat.
Anger- I sent this essay to Princeton.
I like Bluangel2me's logic that it can't really hurt, but I'm kind of afraid that the adcoms may be annoyed with having to read extra. What do you folks think? Will sending in the extra essay to Harvard and Yale make me look insecure? Will it seem like I'm trying to hide some flaw in my application?
Alright, keep posting!! oh, and besides physical attributes, what do you learn about my personality? If someone could address my questions in one shot, that'd be FANNNNTASTIC! Thanks a bunch!
|By Bluangel2me (Bluangel2me) on Friday, March 05, 2004 - 04:36 pm: Edit|
I really like the way that you sneakily included some of your EC's in there! It's like you answer the question in two ways: "here are some of my accomplishments.." "but this one is my FAVORITE!" Very cool. I don't think adcoms really have the opportunity to be annoyed; if they don't feel like reading it, they just won't, and they'll forget about it two seconds later. But I say go for it! Let's face it, everyone is insecure when it comes to apps, especially for the Ivies. It's the nature of the beast! And no, I don't think they'll think you're trying to "hide" something, as long as nothing in your essay contradicts any concrete facts you stated in your original app. Good luck!
|By Aim78 (Aim78) on Friday, March 05, 2004 - 07:28 pm: Edit|
I wrote a similar essay except about something else...that you also do in the bathroom. It was just for fun, but your description of a hardened goop flying past the brush into the sink was similar to what I wrote about what happens after a bad Thai meal, which is why I found it amusing.
|By Infatuazn410 (Infatuazn410) on Friday, March 05, 2004 - 10:36 pm: Edit|
ahahah WHAO gotta luv da creativity here... never thought such a mundane task could be portrayed effectively as a great accomplishment. almost makes me wanna go brush my teeth! :P gj
|By Susieq (Susieq) on Saturday, March 06, 2004 - 07:37 am: Edit|
I thought it was OK. It was well written, but I didn't like the flow from the first paragraph to the second.
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Saturday, March 06, 2004 - 03:41 pm: Edit|
Bluangel2me, Aim78, Infatuazn410, Susieq- Thanks for your comments!! What do you think my personality is based on the essay?
any other takers?
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Saturday, March 06, 2004 - 06:24 pm: Edit|
|By Bluangel2me (Bluangel2me) on Saturday, March 06, 2004 - 07:57 pm: Edit|
If I had to judge your entire personality based on the essay alone (which, I guess, adcoms kinda do!) I would guess that you are kind of a goofball, in a fun way, an optimist with maybe a somewhat "artsy" way of thinking. I'd also probably guess you're pretty animated, which can be a great thing to see along with good grades, etc.. it proves you are not a boring nerd. Let us know how it turns out!
|By Useatoothbrush (Useatoothbrush) on Saturday, March 06, 2004 - 08:39 pm: Edit|
Haha, an essay on my username, awesome!
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Sunday, March 07, 2004 - 03:14 pm: Edit|
Useatoothbrush- haha, that's kinda uncanny!!
|By Candi1657 (Candi1657) on Sunday, March 07, 2004 - 03:20 pm: Edit|
I highly disagree with the person who posted that the essay was full of trite, cliched phrases. I think one of the strengths of the essay lies in the fact that it avoided the over-used.
|By Zwieback0 (Zwieback0) on Sunday, March 07, 2004 - 03:46 pm: Edit|
Unique way of approaching the topic, but I didn't like the essay much. Seems as if you are trying to hard to make yourself stand out. Learning how to brush your teeth is important, but not important enough to dedicate an essay to it.
"the time I single-handedly slew a gargantuan fire-breathing dragon as the world¡¯s first female Chinese-American knight. " - pretty cliche
|By 123456789abcdef (123456789abcdef) on Sunday, March 07, 2004 - 05:01 pm: Edit|
Zwieback0, thanks for your criticism! That's my biggest concern, coming across as trying too hard and being dishonest...does anyone get that feeling? or do you think the level of joking around is good?
Would anyone be willing to read my other 2 essays, the ones I already sent, to see if this essay would be a good complement to em? Preferably someone who's in at Harvard or Yale or Princeton?
Much thanks! Keep posting!! :-D
|By Argilospsychi (Argilospsychi) on Sunday, March 07, 2004 - 09:11 pm: Edit|
really, who cares about your experiences in brushing your teeth
|By Fordhamchica03 (Fordhamchica03) on Wednesday, March 17, 2004 - 12:18 am: Edit|
girlfriend, nice essay! shake the haters off! it's cute and short. I think adcom's will def like that! good luck!
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