Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

Help me...look this over..give some pointers..thanks. ;)

1. Describe a challenging experience in your life and what you learned from it.

At the dangerous age of 16, I made a tragic mistake. It started with harmless flirtation and sweetly blown kisses across a worn wooden stage, but it soon turned into an experience I would never forget. Glancing through the corner of my thickly lined eye, I saw a controversy to rock all controversies at my small-town school. Two boys, both my age and one who had a girlfriend, staring longingly at eachother and blowing sweet, gentle kisses. I was struck with the desire to find out the truth about this relationship. Afterall, I had a flair for the dramatic, and was always ready to gossip. Little did I know, however, that what I was about to do would haunt me on a daily basis and that the effects would linger for years to come.
I asked one of the boys close friends what she thought of the whole thing. She asked me not to say anything, and so I promised not to, and with my metaphorical fingers crossed I opened my ears wide. Flitting, with feisty, hungry disposition, she spewed out all of the details, including a bit about a 32-second long gymnasium kiss. I was delighted, yet horrified, at this prospect and so I decided to ask another friend about the ordeal. She, in turn, felt betrayed because she hadn't yet 'heard the news.' Before I knew it, the news spread around the school, and one of the boys was thrust out of the closet like an old pair of Birkenstocks. Everyone pointed fingers at me, and I found myself in a whirlwind of blame and controversy. I lost a few friends due to my loose lips, and spent a few nice evenings alone with myself and my denial. After things died down a bit, I confronted the now-openly gay boy, and we talked things over in detail. We discussed how I screwed up his life plan, how I rushed his coming-out, and how what I had done was irresponsible, yet not entirely my fault. Aside from the extreme guilt, empathy, and remorse I felt, I knew that in a way what I had done was helpful. The boy is now happily out and I learned never to betray someones convidence no matter how juicy the gossip is.

By Voigtrob (Voigtrob) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 12:32 am: Edit

Uh, this doesn't really portray you in a positive light. Until the end, which is one sentence trying to redeem for an essay of bashing yourself. It's way too straightforward, you have to show them, not just say it. Also, there are grammatical/spelling problems.

By Britneys2 (Britneys2) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 12:36 am: Edit

Oh yeah i know about the grammatical stuff, thats what i have problems with...so can u show me where those problems are?? and the spelling too...Well the question asks for a challenging experience that has taught me something. i think its definitely a challenging thing that happened.. i cant really think of a positive challeging thing that has happened to me...?? any examples?

By Voigtrob (Voigtrob) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 12:47 am: Edit

"thickly lined eye"
wha?

"Two boys, both my age and one who had a girlfriend,"
poor grammar. works slightly better: Two boys my age, one of whom had a girlfriend, blah blah.

same sentence: "eachother"

two sentences later: "Afterall"

"Afterall, I had a flair for the dramatic, and was always ready to gossip."
awkward, reword... not to mention it portrays you in a not-so-hot light

"Little did I know, however, that what I was about to do would haunt me on a daily basis and that the effects would linger for years to come."
run-on.

"I asked one of the boys close friends"
needs an apostrophe

"She asked me not to say anything, and so I promised not to, and with my metaphorical fingers crossed I opened my ears wide."
poor grammar. She made me promise to keep the secret between us. I agreed, and with my metaphorical....

"I was delighted, yet horrified, at this prospect and so I decided"
awk. I was delighted yet horrified at this prospect, and so I decided.... works better

im gonna stop here, because im telling you, the essay isnt going to work in the first place if you dont make it portray you in a positive light, talk about what you learned more and the results of the whole thing.
and get someone you know in real life to proofread for grammar/spelling.

By Steffie1212002 (Steffie1212002) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 12:52 am: Edit

It makes you seem like a bitch. I would not submit this. I also think you're last lines are horrible. What you did was not helpful, it was petty and stupid. It's good that you learned this lesson, but come on. You gotta know better than to submit this.

By Cheerios128 (Cheerios128) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 03:32 am: Edit

Um, it makes me want to strangle you. It might make the admission officer want to reject you.

By Sadeyedlady (Sadeyedlady) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 04:01 am: Edit

where are you applying?

By Munkey113 (Munkey113) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 04:22 am: Edit

Well personally i think it was such a good topic, but not to send as an admissions essay...i mean i would love to read a novel about this...i think it's pretty funny in a way, but yet again...i'm a cruel heartless monster...

By Ejhostmtv (Ejhostmtv) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 04:30 am: Edit

It needs to be more reflective. Take a deep analysis of the situation and write about what YOU learned. Focus on you.

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 08:33 am: Edit

After looking at your profile, I've edited to remove my feedback about your essay. You have to be pulling our legs about submitting that.

By Mels (Mels) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 08:43 am: Edit

i agree with cheerios

By Britneys2 (Britneys2) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 11:03 pm: Edit

yeah well the essay does not explain the situation right..i guess ud have to be there. i changed my topic anyway...and besides, im best friends with both of the guys..and the one im closer to tells me hes glad that hes out..so u definitely have to see the whole situation to understand. about my profile, i picked a random britney picture..so sorry...

By Flyguy (Flyguy) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 11:24 pm: Edit

it doesnt really give the college a reason to accept you either :-\

By Flyguy (Flyguy) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 11:24 pm: Edit

oops

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 11:30 pm: Edit

Yea don't send it. 90% of the essay makes u seem like a shallow, gossipy, reckless and irresponsible person who doesn't care about anyone else.

Then, in the last two sentences, you try to redeem yourself, but too little too late. Also, the end is so casual ("how I messed up his life plan") that it appears that you don't take that part seriously. "Messing up" someone's "life plan" is pretty darn serious, and not something that you'd describe with the phrase "messing up."

By Daggerlee (Daggerlee) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 11:36 pm: Edit

If you focused a lot more on your own redemption and understanding of the trouble and torment you caused him, then it might be a solid essay. But as it stands right now it's rather negative. It can definitely be written into a strong essay, provided you show you understand truly what went wrong and why you'd never do it again...good luck

By Libroschico (Libroschico) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 11:40 pm: Edit

Pick a new topic that portrays you in a positive light, not a negative one -- all I see in this is your lack of discretion. A challenge need not be a mistake, and for college admissions, probably shouldn't be. Where are you submitting this to? If you are applying to a more competitive school, you will need to work on your writing skills; a bit clumsily written on the whole.

"thrust out of the closet like an old pair of Birkenstocks" And please promise me you'll never ever ever use this turn of phrase again. Ever.