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Okay, tell me what you think. Is it original? Too odd? Well-written? Or absolutely horriffic? This is for the common app. It's the question about a person who has had a significant influence on you. And if you wouldn't mind, let's institute one of those handy rating systems...say, 1 = I just wasted $50, 10 = something of which TheDad would be proud.


While working with the Costa Rican Humanitarian Foundation, I met an old woman named Magda, and what I learned from my long talks with her contradicted everything I thought I knew about religion in Hispanic cultures.

Magda lived in abject poverty. In a country that is devoutly Catholic, where religion seems almost hereditary, she said she couldn’t believe in any God who would let life be so unfair for so many. She claimed that people attend church not because of their faith, but because those who seem pious are looked upon with esteem. She spoke passionately because she knew we had never heard that idea before, and she was showing us a facet of Costa Rican society we never knew existed. She would make a point, and then say, “Por ejemplo:” and tell us stories from her lifetime that melded her impressions of society.

Her voice wavered when she told a story from her early motherhood. Her daughter had leukemia, so Magda stopped working for a few weeks to take care of her. She fell behind in paying the rent, and begged her landlady to let her pay her debt in two weeks. But the landlady had her evicted. Tears welled up in Magda’s eyes when she recalled the image of her possessions strewn out on the ground; she placed her hand over her heart and said the woman’s cruelty still hurts. When Magda went to church soon after the eviction, her landlady gave her communion.

Two weeks later, I thought of Magda’s story while my host family and I walked the road to the small city of Cartago. We were not alone. It was a religious holiday, and a third of the country convened at a cathedral there.

Before me and behind me was an endless mass of bodies; to the left and right steep rock cliffs. I was part of a spiritual exodus. And Magda’s words now meant more to me. Her attitude toward religion was far removed from that of the pilgrims, but not because some people are innately religious and others are not. Magda is not religious because she believes that the God she was taught to follow would not make life so hard for her. It is hard to worship on an empty stomach.


Since my first day of Spanish class freshman year, I’ve been enthralled by the language. In the hope of immersion in the Spanish language, I volunteered for the Costa Rican Humanitarian Foundation this summer, working with other volunteers in the daytime and living with a local family at night. But I was also immersed in a culture of poverty, which helped bring into focus for me the differences between individual religious belief and religion as an institution. Hopefully, I can use what I learned in Costa Rica to avoid hypocrisy in how I apply religious teachings to the way I live my life.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 09:15 pm: Edit

Sorry, but I'm going to have to bump this. I'm trying to get it out tonight before going in to see my counselor tomorrow, and am a bit worried.

By Atpchik (Atpchik) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 09:35 pm: Edit

I think you need to say more about urself. I think Magda's story is very touching. Perhaps reflect on what she said and shorten the story a little. Good job though, this essay shows that you are a listener and compassionate.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 09:49 pm: Edit

Thanks, Atpchik. Where do you think would be a good place for me to talk more about myself? In the final paragraph? And what do you think about this particular topic for a college essay? Thanks for your input

By Atpchik (Atpchik) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 09:59 pm: Edit

I was thinking you should talk more about yourself(make sure this all connects to Magda though) right after you tell the story. Immediately go into what this all means. I was a bit unclear of that when reading your essay- what exactly god meant to Magda and what it means to you. Also, now that I look at it, the ending is a bit weak. It seems more like a body paragraph.

As for topic--to tell you the truth, there have been very many essays sent about volunteering etc. I like how you approached this common topic and personally I think it's okay to write about somethign that's common as long as there's a personal spin to it. The stuff you said about religion was an interesting start, but I couldn't really grasp your full message and I think you should go into it more.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 10:15 pm: Edit

Yeah, I've been having lots of trouble putting *me* into the essay. In fact, that's what I did basically all afternoon, and look where it got me. I have to say I am/was somewhat worried about my choice of topic, because it deals so closely with religion...I'm just not sure if that's a good topic for the prompt. I may end up waiting till tomorrow before sending this one in. Thanks for your help, Atpchik.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 10:06 am: Edit

I'm sending this by noon. Anyone else have any comments?

By Momstheword (Momstheword) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 10:47 am: Edit

To interject yourself, try incorporating your reactions to Magda's story. You don't have to specify your views on religion here, simply describe how her outlook prompted your own soul searching...This can be done in a carefully crafted sentence or two. The hard part might be crystallizing your thoughts on this within the next two hours. From seeing your progression on this essay over the last month or two, I can tell you're a bit uncomfortable revealing yourself in this essay.

By Sooky6 (Sooky6) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 10:48 am: Edit

The last paragraph needs to be stronger--the word "enthralled" strikes me as melodramatic, and I don't like the phrase "culture of poverty"--its a rich culture that is BESET by poverty.

What ARE the differences between individual religious practice and religion as an institution? Tell us, at least one difference clearly and concisely. Why/how has this discovery impacted you? What's the role of religion now in your after having had this experience, compared to the its role beforehand?

More specifics! Little time...good luck

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 11:40 am: Edit

Thanks for your suggestions Momstheword and Sooky6! I've revised the final paragraph, but I just feel like I'm going over the top. What do you think? Thanks!


Since my first day of Spanish class freshman year, I’ve been fascinated with the language. In the hope of immersion in the Spanish language, I volunteered for the Costa Rican Humanitarian Foundation last summer, working with other volunteers in the daytime and living with a local family at night. But I was also immersed in a culture beset by poverty, which helped bring into focus the differences between individual religious belief and religion as an institution. For me, religious belief means choosing moral actions, while choosing religion as an institution connotes practicing rituals without necessarily following one’s moral code. Hopefully, I can use what I learned from Magda to avoid hypocrisy in how I apply religious teachings to the way I live my life.

By Momstheword (Momstheword) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 11:59 am: Edit

Avoid the use of the word "hopefully" (check out pg. 48 in The Elements of Style by Strunk and White). Better: I hope...
Hmmm. Still mulling over your last line, but you are running up against a deadline, so I'll send this now.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 12:07 pm: Edit

Actually, that was a Mom-imposed deadline. I'm helping to make baklava (sp.?) for my Dad, so the deadline has been pushed a few hours back.

Thanks for the tip on "hopefully." I hadn't known that. I, too, am a little worried about the last line. For one thing, I'm thinking "hypocrisy" may be a little strong.

By Momstheword (Momstheword) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 01:01 pm: Edit

I agree with you that there is a better last line out there; it's just hanging there in the ether waiting for you to grab it. Maybe you'll find it while making that baklava. Something to the effect of like the pilgrims carrying offerings to Cartago, you now carry some sort of searing image of Magda in your soul as you go about searching for the essence of faith/your purpose or...? (worded brilliantly, of course LOL)

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 02:09 pm: Edit

Momstheword, what is your initial impression on this revision. I know it's not worded brilliantly, but is it a step in the right direction?

Being immersed in a culture beset by poverty brought into focus for me the differences between individual religious belief and religion as an institution. For me, religious belief should lead to choosing moral actions, while choosing religion as an institution connotes practicing rituals without necessarily following one’s moral code. Magda’s stories encourage me to choose moral actions in the way I live my life.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 04:35 pm: Edit

Actually, I'm revising the last sentence:

"And Magda's stories have made me see the importance of living morally."

Eh...I think that may be better. Any ideas, anyone? I'm sending this out in about a half hour.

By Momstheword (Momstheword) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 05:46 pm: Edit

I don't know if you've already sent it, but I'd still tweak that last sentence (see pg. 63 Harry Bauld's book On Writing the College Application Essay). I'd hint that Magda taught me something, but not slap it out there in such a canned fashion.
Overall, your essay's clear and very readable. It's come a long way since your initial version. But as I've said before (and so have other posters) it still teeters toward telling us a little more about Magda than about you. There's more that could have been mined out of this experience. The topic is compelling, however, and resonates with me.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 06:02 pm: Edit

Thanks, Momstheword. I'm actually in the process of sending it right now. I've changed the sentence to:

"I plan to use what I learned from Magda as I choose actions consistent with my own religious beliefs."

I doubt you'll see this before it's sent, but is that better than how it was before? Thanks!

By Thedad (Thedad) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 09:53 pm: Edit

PPete, in broad brushstroke, I like it and I think you've gotten some good comments on editing.

Good luck.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 10:05 pm: Edit

Thanks, TheDad. I was hoping you'd drop by to check it out, but didn't want to ask you in particular because I know you have many other kids asking you for help, sending you their essays and whatnot. The common app has now *officially* been sent to everywhere except NYU.

By Thedad (Thedad) on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 12:54 am: Edit

PistolPete, as may be, but track me down and ask me anyway if you have specifics you'd like me to take a look at. I'm not reading as much of the board as usual for a few days and you're a part of the CC community that I feel some connection with.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 06:55 pm: Edit

TheDad, thanks for the offer to read my essays. If you're not *too* busy (relatively, of course), could you email me so I can send you the paragraph on my most meaningful activity? I'm worried that it's much too short, and that perhaps it would be better if it were about a different activity. Thanks!

By Thedad (Thedad) on Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 12:55 am: Edit

Check your e-mail. If it doesn't come through, track me down either in Twinkle's thread or the Parents Forum.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Thursday, January 01, 2004 - 08:13 pm: Edit

E-mail received, reply sent. Thanks for your time, TheDad.

By Thedad (Thedad) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 01:46 am: Edit

PP, I'm more than happy. But, btw, I didn't receive any e-mail reply. If it was important, please re-send.

By Pistolpete (Pistolpete) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 10:20 pm: Edit

Whoops, reply re-sent. As you will undoubtedly glean from my e-mail, I just dont know how important it is, so I would like to see what you think. Thanks