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I don't think it quite makes sense, and i'm having trouble coming up with anything even remotely creative. For example, I can't think of names to name the floors and stuff... Please Help!

Also, do you think they'd mind if I mailed it out a couple days late?

David, my little brother, and I drive to Wal Mart. That’s two dollars worth of gas. We enter the sliding glass doors, and jump at the sound of the loudspeaker greeting us. “WELCOME TO WALLY WORLD! FOR KIDS’ MERCHANDISE, INCLUDING THE NEW GIANT KEN DOLL, PLEASE SEE AISLE SEVENTY. THERE IS A KIDS’ PHOTO SHOOT IN AISLE 899.9 WITH MICHAEL JACKSON…” I quickly usher David away. There’s no need for him to take a picture with Michael and I’m concerned about what part of Ken it was referring to when it said “giant.” We make our way to the map. Wal Mart is so big! After ten minutes of searching, I find the aisle we are looking for: Year-round Christmas Candy - Aisle 452. That was on the fourth floor, so David and I spend another ten minutes searching for the nearest elevator. It’s about 200 miles away, so we hop on to the conveyor belt. As we move, we see hundreds of shoppers waiting in line to return unwanted Christmas gifts. One woman carries fourteen broken Christmas light sets, twelve assorted giant candy canes, and forty-two dead pine trees. As we pass the clothes aisles, we see people trying on Easter bunny costumes. One little boy decides to don a real rabbit fur costume and hides beneath the clothing rack. When his mother tries to find him, he sprints across the aisle swiftly, just like a real rabbit. At the books and magazines section, there are couches filled with people reading from this “library.” David gets bored, so we step off the conveyor belt when the next sign says “Concession Stand.” We rush over to approach the young hippy that looks remarkably like Shaggy from Scooby Doo who is manning the revolving stand. “Like, what would you like man?” he asks. David scans the 21 page menu and replies “the Dooby-Doo Deli Dog.” I hand over a dollar bill. After getting back on the conveyor belt and going to the restroom a couple times, we finally arrive at the elevator. As luck would have it, there is an awfully long line. We take our place and wait. There is a movie playing on the giant screen just above us on the ceiling. It takes me a while to figure out it’s “Rugrats in Paris,” complete with German, Chinese, and Russian subtitles. “Ding!” the elevator is here and we step inside. We take a seat in the plush couch to the left, next to an old woman who smells of baby powder and her dog, an overweight St. Bernard. “He looks like Beethoven,” says David. “I know,” I reply. The old woman looks at us funny, as if she thought we were referring to the musician. The elevator suddenly stops and a voice announces, “ATTENTION SHOPPERS, AS A TOKEN OF OUR AFFECTION, WALLY WORLD WILL TREAT YOU ALL TO A TOUR OF OUR NEW FLOOR - THE BUFFET FLOOR.” The doors open and a young girl who resembles Daphne from Scooby Doo leads us into a white circular hall. She stops in the middle of the circle and explains that the buffet floor will feature eight fully functioning restaurants, each with its own choice of three buffets: hot, medium, or mild. She says that today, we are their guinea pigs and that we are allowed to eat anything we want. David and I have a hard time choosing between the buffets. There’s the American, the Chinese, the Mexican, and the Italian. We finally decide that we always liked Taco Bell better anyways and make our way to “the Mexican.” We choose the hot buffet and are led to a gigantic array of fajitas, enchiladas, chimichangas, and the classic, tacos. At the end of the buffet lies a plate of the reddest peppers I’ve ever seen. The label reads “Mexican Jumping Peppers - the hottest in the world.” I decide to try one just for fun. Automatically, I felt the insides of my mouth melt. My tongue swells up and gets too big to stay in my mouth so it hangs out. My face turns bright red, redder than those you see in cartoons and I feel my knees buckle underneath me. I kick hard and my body leaves the ground. Soon, I feel as if I were almost flying in the air. CRASH! I manage to fall back down, but it’s too late. I had left a hole in the ceiling. People from the floor above, the exercise floor, are gaping at me in their stylish gym suits, barbells in hand. After I drink 24 gallons of water, Daphne says that it’s okay and that that was part of the reason they were testing. She lets us finish eating and then we reboard the elevator. This time we sit next to a stern man in an army uniform. He gets off on the Aggressive boys’ floor, where they sell fake guns and grenades. After what seems like a decade, we finally arrive at Floor 4, Aisle 452. We get off quickly and find ourselves in a “winter wonderland.” There are, by far, the most people on this floor. Lots of people are carrying their loads of leftover Christmas candy, all 78.26% off today. David and I make our way to the Terry’s chocolate oranges display. A lucky Wal Mart employee had spent five hours building a gigantic orange shape out of those millions of boxes. A clumsy little girl trips over her shoelace and sends the entire confection tumbling to the ground. “CLEAN UP ON AREA A-17” yells the loudspeaker and a girl wearing an orange sweater with short brown hair and glasses who looks an awful lot like Velma comes rushing out for damage control. David and I offer to help her, but she says she’s got a partner. She whistles and Scooby Doo, the dog himself, comes out to lend a hand. David and I take two chocolate oranges and turn to head for the elevators, but they aren’t there anymore. It is seven o’clock in the morning and I am waking up. Geez, that was some dream. I should have know it was not real. How could Scooby Doo be a real dog? However, I reach into my pant pocket and find seven dollars…

SO i need help with naming the floors, the buffets, etc. It's also >1000 words, so it needs to be cut down. Is this creative at all? It's kind of a conglomeration of my own idea + the essays in JHU's magazine.

By Mrerik21 (Mrerik21) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 10:53 pm: Edit

Wow. I am actually kinda sad I spent the time to read this. Don't take this personally here but if I were some admissions guy, I would probably have to reject you just for that essay. It doesn't make any sense. This personal statement business is not meant to be a place to write creatively, and this is still a poor attempt at that. Anyway my advice to you would be to start completely over.

By Atpchik (Atpchik) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 10:55 pm: Edit

Agreed. Not trying to be mean or nething. But I thought it was a joke.

By Matthias (Matthias) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 11:01 pm: Edit

That was like reading Naked Lunch on drugs. Dude...get some sleep and re-examine who you are in the morning.

-Matthias

By Socaljessie (Socaljessie) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 12:02 pm: Edit

I actually liked it from a creative standpoint, but not for a college admissions essay. The point of a college admission essay is to show who you are, your strengths, talents, ect. That definately shows that you are creative, but not much else.

By Flyguy (Flyguy) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 12:09 pm: Edit

WITH MICHAEL JACKSON…” I quickly usher David away. There’s no need for him to take a picture with Michael and I’m concerned about what part of Ken it was referring to when it said “giant.”

= Rejection

Don't mention Michael Jackson or Giant... whatever. For all you know the admissions guy could be a fan, but in general, this is a pretty risque topic.

By Muzicgal04 (Muzicgal04) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 03:12 pm: Edit

wow, that was horrible. Didnt make it more than about 4 sentences into it...but by that point, you've brought up one controversial topic, one sexually lewd and inappropriate topic, and bored the reader half to death

By Ccraider04 (Ccraider04) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 04:03 pm: Edit

Just out of curiousity, what sort of question would provoke an essay like this?

By Nikelaos (Nikelaos) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 04:27 pm: Edit

ccraider: "If you had only ten dollars to plan a day's adventure, what would you do, where would you go, and who would you take with you?"

or something to that extent ;)

and yes, the topic = what the hell.

By I1lmatics (I1lmatics) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 05:58 pm: Edit

the kids in the remedial classes at my school can write more coherent and interesting than that...

By Flyguy (Flyguy) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 06:04 pm: Edit

LOL, oh jeese, give him a little more credit than that... then again he could of used paragraphs

By Spiffybrownboy (Spiffybrownboy) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 07:40 pm: Edit

"We rush over to approach the young hippy that looks remarkably like Shaggy from Scooby Doo who is manning the revolving stand. 'Like, what would you like man?' he asks. David scans the 21 page menu and replies 'the Dooby-Doo Deli Dog.'"

Hahahahahaa... gee, I should try working at 5 AM.

By Celebrian23 (Celebrian23) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 08:20 pm: Edit

ooooo these people are harsh but right. I read half of it and just couldn't bear anymore

By G2go1818 (G2go1818) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 08:30 pm: Edit

umm wtf did i just read....

Are you a big scooby doo fan or somethin'

By Demilikesemyung (Demilikesemyung) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 09:01 pm: Edit

here. try a puff. u really need this.

By Greatsurgeon (Greatsurgeon) on Tuesday, December 30, 2003 - 09:03 pm: Edit

i thought mine was bad...

By Tenniscassieo (Tenniscassieo) on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 10:19 am: Edit

horrid

By Christinew87 (Christinew87) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 02:13 am: Edit

aww, it wasnt that bad, just dont send it in and write something completly different. you have a good sense of humor, just tone it down a lot. oh and ivybound, you may consider changing your name..
christine
(that last part was a joke, im sure you could get in wherever)

By Jenlikewhoa (Jenlikewhoa) on Friday, January 02, 2004 - 06:25 pm: Edit

that is the most random essay i have read so far. i duno, i mean im all for creativity but try to focus it somewhere.

i didnt mind reading your essay but i got lost somewhere between the buffet floor and guns for aggressive boys? lol...

listen, take some aderal. have a seat. and write something creative because you seem to have a flair for the unconventional. i mean theres no sense in having a 10 dollar adventure if all your going to do is chill with scooby doo characters. put some substance in it. then come back and post it here, at your own discretion that is.