|By Antigone (Antigone) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 11:26 am: Edit|
I'm not sure but read and critique if you can!
Tremors built in my arms and spread to the tips of my fingers, splayed about a row of crystal buttons. I rolled my shoulders backwards into the billowing sleeves of my shirt and the cotton of a stout high collar scraped the side of my neck. With legs through a fitted forest skirt and feet into tired Mary Janes, I stood in the leer of a standard New York Hotel. Crowds flanked around its borders. The sun peeked over towers that loomed and the city was awash in waning light. I was illuminated in my garb of another and my face cowered behind a mask of stealth. A shivering under my skin became relentless aching, clawing to the depth of my bones. Before light spilled any further over New York, I collapsed into the swinging doors of the Marquis Hotel and left the city behind.
The predators of Manhattan were abandoned in the dying morning. What greeted me instead was a wealth of colors, a radiance that shredded away at the blandness of neighboring walls. People with skin of cream, others rich and exotic, and more, a mottled mix blanketed the hallways with their gowns and suits and costumes of anime characters. The hotel was consumed with extravagance. Clad in leather and crude wings that wilted along her sides was one woman, sleek as she strutted down the long Marquis corridors, unafraid. Another, clutching to his chest books of Japanese lore and gothic imagery stretched lazily along a carpeted floor, unbothered and unafraid. And gleaming in a dress of pale satin with a wig of blue curling to the tops of naked shoulders was one man, embraced with kindness and unafraid. I approached the one draped in satin and my hand crept to his shoulder, arm outstretching and fingers brushing. My nervousness began to trickle away.
He turned, a swing of hair and shimmer. I clutched a camera against my sparkled chest and with an exchange of words, smiles, nods, and unspoken anxieties, he was standing in front of me, fingers laced, hip cocked to the side. One click of the camera and his presence and all around him became a keepsake. Behind his lofty shape stood screens that tested the heights of the building, glorifying animated films of war and death to love and sex. And before I left him, I offered a spread of teeth, a swirl of my costume, finally celebrated, and a picture of his own. We laughed, exuberating in relief, stricken with hidden passions that could at last be distinguished.
Everyone celebrated each other. With pictures, chatter, and compliments of costumes, the easterners and westerners of the world rejoiced in acceptance that the anime convention embraced. But on the outside, through windows of narrow and gaunt form, the city was again held in meek lighting. One hand pressed to the window frame and the other curved against my outfit. There was a choking of conscious. I considered the world of the sun and the street in which I was welcome but shy, friendly but weird, and in all my brightness, still hiding. People were flooding at my sides, tapping my shoulders, waving, but still past them, there were slivers of an exit door. I sidled away from the crowd and the door’s reddening glow showered across my eyes and down my clothes. I turned once and the image of the convention settled into my mind, a transient utopia, perfect enough to hinder a full time residence. And then, my eyes were away from them and I was leaning into the exit doors. I was outside the Marquis just as before in garments few could comprehend. But my smile would not fade and I knew that there was acceptance, sometimes hidden in the crooks of the world. The sun was diminishing and night peered through its last glance. I skipped home.
|By Lhm501 (Lhm501) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 12:25 pm: Edit|
Overwritten, too stilted all you "see" is the effort to "write". I can't see you in here at all. The topic is fine if you will simplify and not try to overdescribe. It's not about impressing the adcom with your command of language, it's about making them interested in you. Use your own voice, make it MUCH more personal and much less "creative". Overwriting is in MYHO the most common mistake in apps. "Stricken with hidden passions that could at last be distinguished" what does that even mean?? Make a basic outline of what you are trying to say, write it first quickly and without self-conciousness about style, that will give you some insight about where to go with this. Remember, they want to know who YOU are and what about you will enrich their college community.
|By Bobmcc (Bobmcc) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 05:55 pm: Edit|
"doors reddening glow showered across my eyes"???
Hemingway is among my least favorite "major" writers, but you might want to reread a couple of pages of one of his novels. Agree completely w/ Lhm501's comments.
Was the exit door cracked open? or where there slivers/shards of the door scattered about the ground?
I know our comments sound "mean" and i'm sure you did fine on your verbal SAT..but that's not the point of the essay(s).
|By Kewkiekid (Kewkiekid) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 06:10 pm: Edit|
all this shows is you know how to use big words. i don't know anyting about YOU as a person.
|By Soulofheaven8 (Soulofheaven8) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 06:24 pm: Edit|
cut down on the adjectives
|By May_1 (May_1) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 06:35 pm: Edit|
I got through the first paragraph. NISM?
|By Antigone (Antigone) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 09:52 am: Edit|
actually I talked to the adcoms about my essay after I was ACCEPTED and they said they liked it a lot so ....in your faces!
And it does show something about me... that I'm unique, accepting, and open minded for one thing. If you can't infer that then oh well.
|By Foreignboy (Foreignboy) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 09:54 am: Edit|
You got accepted where?
|By Lhm501 (Lhm501) on Monday, December 29, 2003 - 11:56 am: Edit|
Antigone, although your motives for posting this now are, uh, interesting--Congratulations! Since we took the time to read and respond to your essay you should let us know where you were accepted. I responded in an effort to help you, no interest in hurting your feelings (don't know you). It is a little off-putting that the circumstances were not as you presented them. Why would you do this when so many are trying to finish their apps and legitimately need help?
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