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I still have to turn in an essay and they won't consider the poem (even though they said they would at first, argh) but I want you to read it anyways. It was for the University of Illnois Urbana-Champaign. Don't take it seriously, it's just fun to read :p


My name is Emily and I will gladly present
My absolutely wonderful Personal Statement
So I will tell you about myself throughout my high school years
And why I can't wait to go to college so I can get out of here
I am 17 years old at ****** High School
Although I was an honor student I was not very cool
I never went to Homecoming, I never went to Prom
I never went to parties, I always stayed home with mom
I'm half black and Chinese. Being biracial is okay
One thing I'm sick of is always going to China Buffet
I like drawing and science; I wanted to be an astronaut
I like little bunnies and eating Dippin Dots
Ballroom dancing I took every Tuesday night
It's one of my favorite hobbies that brings much delight
Books are fun to read, simple readings not hard
I usually get them from school because I'm lacking a library card
U.S. Naval Sea Cadet meetings is where I go every week
There we get military training; the Navy did I seek
They made me Lead Petty Officer of engineering for training on shore
I need U of I's help to train me some more
I like planes very much, aviation is where I'm going
Some day I would like to work for a nice company called Boeing
If I get laid off or my resume goes in their trash bin
I'll fill out an application to Lockheed-Martin
I wanted to be a fighter pilot, stressful are the courses
But I can't do the job, I don't like G-forces
So aeronautical engineering is what I plan to do
I'd rather work on airplanes than working drive-through
I go to Lewis University for aviation class
Too bad there are only 3 girls, we constantly get harassed
Good thing I stayed in the program because the guys are quite bizarre
I had perfect attendance junior year, and I won a car! (really I did!)
It's my senior year now, a very stressful time
Sorry I didn't write an essay, I'd rather do rhyme
I write essays for scholarships and requested numerous recommendations
I joined a lot of clubs in school and put it on college applications
I've been working hard, hours of studying and anxiety
I do a lot of community service for National Honor Society
To attend college is my biggest ambition
One problem I face is paying for tuition
My brother went to UIC and had to work overtime
He couldn't afford it anymore; my parents didn't give him a dime
Because of their fighting and they were underpaid
We got evicted from our house when I was in eighth grade
They are divorced now, mom's raising me alone
I hope not to be in that situation when I am grown
So I think about my life after graduation
And take time to review my future occupations
In case I want to try something new whatever option that may be
I know most good careers require a degree
I need a great education in order to be a pro
I'll have to put in more effort or I'll end up a hobo
In conclusion, not to make a fuss
I hope you choose to let me on campus.

By Njgrl (Njgrl) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 12:04 am: Edit

overall good.. tells a lot about yourself.. but some of the rhyming can be tweaked up a bit.

By Nyapplicant (Nyapplicant) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 02:35 am: Edit

sorry i got bored after the first 3 or 4 lines

it didnt seem to tell who you are from the first 4 lines or so i read. it actually seemed more like a laundry list of things about you than a poem. no.

By Hnbui (Hnbui) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 02:37 am: Edit

get a better beginning, like an essay the beginning has to grab the adcom's attention.(they read alot of apps a day) Have you won any awards in poetry before.

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 03:27 am: Edit

There's only an advantage to doing a poem if you're actually a practiced writer/poet and can really make it stand out.

This is just a random poem that happens to rhyme. It won't impress many adcoms and, like some of the posters above, it may annoy them.

Write a creative essay.

By Thinvisiblehand (Thinvisiblehand) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 03:40 am: Edit

I would advise against the rhyming because most of the time it actually hinders you from developing a great poem. The only consistency displayed here is the rhyming and that is inadequate. Focus on the substance, not the style. Other than that, I guess your prose are pretty dull because you are just speaking about yourself. Don't. Show.

It is a neat idea but just incredibly hard to execute successfully.

By Anthony (Anthony) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 08:51 am: Edit

Be thankful that UIUC told you not to submit this, this would've hurt you far more than it would have helped. Not only would you get hurt because it's a poem, but you would also have gotten hurt because of how you bash yourself and admit to them that you have social issues (not cool, no parties, no dances, all you do is study...).

By Usna_Reject (Usna_Reject) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 03:20 pm: Edit

Too late I already did when I did the online application. But at least I got a second chance and thanks for your honest opinions

By Thedad (Thedad) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 04:12 pm: Edit

I have heard admissions officers pointedly--and grimly--say to *not* turn in a poem. Apparently this is an attention-grabbing idea that is constantly re-invented. Gauging the reactions, I'd say that an essay in haiku was the worst.

By Usna_Reject (Usna_Reject) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 04:20 pm: Edit

hmmm.. haiku...
I did contact the admissions office before I sent it in and I'll show you their quotes exactly from the e-mails:

Dec. 1
"Thank you for your interest in the University of Illinois.

The personal statement does not need to be an essay - a poem is perfectly acceptable, and will definitely be read and considered!

If you have any further questions, please feel free to e-mail us again, or call us at..... Thanks!"


Dec. 15
"Dear Emily--

We would prefer that the Personal Statement be a 1-2 page paper, double spaced that is written about yourself. If you would like to send a new personal statement, please send it to our office and include your birth date and full name on the paper with instructions to use that paper as your personal statement. If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact our office at ..."

By Otterpop (Otterpop) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 05:30 pm: Edit

USNA,

I liked it! It was cute! I also felt it told a lot about you.

By Bobmcc (Bobmcc) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 06:08 pm: Edit

well..our son, w/out our knowing what he was doing, wrote a poem about chaos theory that, several very good lacs found guite appealing. But he also "explicated" the poem as the second portion of the essay. And, he is, in fact, quite a good poet..though i thought that particular poem was rather sucky.

But Grinnell, Macalester & Oberlin had no problem w/ a poem qua essay.
good luck! Don't force rhymes! Maybe try a defined form (ie sonnet)

By Nakattacks31 (Nakattacks31) on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 06:11 pm: Edit

good stuff