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I used essay edge the other day primarily for grammar corrections. Well the lady dramatically changed my essays. Here they are the before and after. I also submitted the two short answers but I think she did a better job on those. If you want to critique please do so. Which is better? Everyone i have asked thinks the first one, and my friends thought it was good before too. Thanks!

Main essay:
It is Wednesday, my least favorite day. It is a sunny day, birds are chirping, lawnmowers are noisily running. I walk up the hill passing several houses along the way. The Harmon’s bin is half empty, and there is cardboard in the trash. “How come other people don’t care as much as we do?” I think. I get home and sit down at the computer, I think about what to say. “Dear Neighbors, I want to let you know.” No, too formal I thought, and I delete that sentence. “Dear Neighbors, My name is Jeremy Stark. Some of you may know me; however, one thing that you may not know is that I care about the environment.”

Maybe I should just talk to the neighbors instead. I get a list of recyclables and Xerox it 40 times. Okay so now what do I do? “Mom, I am going to go talk to the neighbors about recycling.” As she says, “be careful,” I walk outside. Mrs. Keung will be my first stop. When I give her the sheet of items, she startles me with a very legitimate question. “Aren’t you wasting paper with this?” she asks. I quickly respond “No it can also be recycled.” A quick laugh is exchanged and I go on my way. Since many people are not home, I decide to put the letter in mailboxes.

Two weeks have passed with minimal progress and I begin to feel a bit frustrated. I knew that landfill space was scarce and that recycling could help conserve that space. Why didn’t others see that too? I decide to go at a more convenient time and talk to everyone. My friend David’s mom had no idea that she could now recycle paper. She promises to begin recycling her paper immediately. This made me enthusiastic as I went on my way. The next stop is the girl next door. Amanda is a very attractive sophomore and I am a little embarrassed to go talk to her family. As I ring the doorbell, I get butterflies in my stomach: “What if she thinks I am a dork?” Amanda opens the door. I stutter on my words but she is able to realize that I wished to speak to one of her parents. Well that wasn’t too bad, she even smiled at me.

Wanting to find some fellow environmentalists, I contacted the County’s Recycling Office to inquire about volunteer opportunities. The feeling that came from being with these cool people was indescribable. Some people call me a “tree-hugger.” This name may have been intended as an insulting remark, but I feel proud of it. The next day as I was walking home from school, almost all of the houses had their bins more than half full. They were even recycling cardboard. That Wednesday was my favorite day of the week.

After:
It is a typical Wednesday, as I walk up the hill towards my home, passing several houses along the way. As I walk, I notice that my neighbor’s recycle bin is half empty, and there is recyclable cardboard in their trash bin. I wonder with regret why others aren’t compelled to recycle diligently.

Because I believe environmental preservation is an important and pressing issue, I have worked within my neighborhood to increase participation in the recycling program. That afternoon I composed a letter urging local residents to become active in preserving the environment. However, after carefully considering the most effective strategy, I decided instead to speak to people individually, in the hopes that I might appeal to them on a personal level.

I created a list of recyclable materials to distribute, and headed outside. I first visited my neighbor Mrs. Keung. When I presented her with the page of recyclable items, she surprised me with a valid question. She asked me, “Aren’t you wasting paper with this?” We spoke about the issue of recycling, and I explained that the page I had handed her was in fact recyclable itself. Following my conversation with Mrs. Keung, I proceeded to the rest of the neighborhood, dropping letters in the mailboxes of people who were not home.

Two weeks passed with minimal progress, and I began to feel frustrated. However, I persisted; motivated by my belief that environmental conservation will benefit the earth and its inhabitants. I continued my visits to homes in the neighborhood. I explained to the mother of a classmate the process by which she can recycle paper; she promised to begin recycling her paper immediately. I nervously approached the home of a female classmate, around whom I am typically shy and reserved. When she answers the door, I manage to communicate my desire to speak with her parents; despite my shyness around this classmate, I remain dedicated to my goal of convincing local families to recycle.

Seeking fellow environmentalists, I contacted the County’s Recycling Office to inquire about volunteer opportunities. I have since had contact with many others who share my passion for working towards environmental conservation; I find communicating with others who share my interest both encouraging and exhilarating. Some people have referred to me as a “tree-hugger.” This name may have been intended as an insulting remark, but I feel proud of this nickname. Recently on my walks home from school I have noticed that almost all of the houses in my neighborhood had recycle bins that were more than half full. I feel proud that I have been able to improve the level of recycling in my community; I plan to continue working towards improving environmental awareness both inside and outside of my community.

By Itempest (Itempest) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 01:13 pm: Edit

I can see the essay tells quite a bit about you and I think it's a good one. My comments on the "after" essay though. It seems like it was written by a typical college student - not like a high school student. Some of the vocabulary, although not completely out of our reach, includes the kinds of words we would not normally use. I just got the impression that this wasn't really a high schooler's essay when I read the second one. That's all I have to say.

Good luck

By Jjsmom (Jjsmom) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 01:58 pm: Edit

Gosh, I much prefer the first version. It has a natural voice.

By Njgirl (Njgirl) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 02:06 pm: Edit

The first one is more natural and seems to capture your personality. The second sounds a lot more proper and scholarly but a little "fake" if you know what I mean. I don't think the second is as qualified to represent you if this is your personal statement. The second also does more telling than showing.

By Dschnapps (Dschnapps) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 05:05 pm: Edit

I'd incorporate a few of those changes, but on the whole I prefer the first essay. It is natural, pretty well written, enjoyable to read, and gives the reader a sense of who YOU are.

It does sound like the writing of a high-school student, but that's what colleges expect.

By Voigtrob (Voigtrob) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 05:17 pm: Edit

in my opinion 'services' like that are unethical.
(not to mention that their edit is worse than the original)

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 05:29 pm: Edit

Oh man, the first one is tons better. The second one is stilted, formal, and impersonal. Just one of the many examples of the uninteresting writing in the second one: "However, I persisted; motivated by my belief that environmental conservation will benefit the earth and its inhabitants."

That is soooo impersonal and formal I can't believe this lady calls herself an expert.

There are problems with the first one too (i.e. "How come other people don't care as much as I do?" sounds a little cheesy), but overall it is much better.

And the way you use that anecdote about the hot sophomore is TEN TIMES BETTTER than saying "the mother of a classmate" like your "editor" did. It shows you willingness to follow through on your beliefs even when it caused you some embarrassment.

What's up with this lady RE-WRITING it for you anyway? Isn't she supposed to just give you advice?

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 08:14 pm: Edit

I have a different opinion. The "hired gun" was obliged to edit this essay as it is a paid service.

She did the best she could with the original essay. Actually considering how poorly written the original one was, it was quite remarkable.

I believe that most adcoms would stop reading after the first sentences of the original essay: "It is Wednesday, my least favorite day. It is a sunny day, birds are chirping, lawnmowers are noisily running. I walk up the hill passing several houses along the way. The Harmon’s bin is half empty, and there is cardboard in the trash. “How come other people don’t care as much as we do?” I think.

Have some pride and TRY to write a decent opening paragraph.

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 08:17 pm: Edit

Yea, the "How come" sentence is a little cheesy (read: really cheesy)

And what IS the point of saying Wednesday is your least favorite day?

By Televelis (Televelis) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 08:21 pm: Edit

The first one needs work.

however, the second one plain sucks. Go with the 1st and revise it a little.

By Vegangirl (Vegangirl) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 08:34 pm: Edit

omg, that second one is terrible!! just work with the first one a little. it's a good essay, just needs some tweaking.

By Mmnnbb (Mmnnbb) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 08:39 pm: Edit

i agree teh second one is pretty bad, they didn't do their job right.

By Tosg (Tosg) on Thursday, December 25, 2003 - 08:42 pm: Edit

I like yours better. The revised version has no distinctive voice whatsoever, and comes off as quite perfunctory. The original is by no means flawless, but is far better than the soulless revised version.

By Chrisy (Chrisy) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 01:21 am: Edit

please get your $$$ back. this is sad.

By Jbro (Jbro) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 10:17 am: Edit

The second definitely improved the flow, although I agree that they snuffed out your voice a bit. The trouble with the first is it's a little disjointed. The edited version is clear. I would use the 2nd version but insert some more of your "voice" via quotes. Where are you applying?

By Cruella (Cruella) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 11:44 am: Edit

Dahling, I hate to be one of the few, but your first essay stunk. I think the 2nd one was way better. It flowed and didn't feel as stilted.

Ta ta...

By Foreignboy (Foreignboy) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 11:49 am: Edit

Forgive the language and crudeness..
But screw you, essay service users. It's totally unethical because you get an unfair advantage. I'm glad that they did a messed up job for you. If you want to get into college, do it on your own merit, not by paying someone to rewrite your essays for you.

By Exonian04 (Exonian04) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 12:07 pm: Edit

I partly agree with foreignboy, but I think the truth comes to light when the adcoms look at your essay and then at your SATII Writing score...if they fail to coordinate, they'll know that it wasn't all your work.

By Chrisy (Chrisy) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 02:16 pm: Edit

foreignboy- i don't know you, but i doubt you've never done anything "unethical".

By Carolyn (Carolyn) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 04:12 pm: Edit

Both essays have major problems with tense and other gramatical errors. So, what was gained from using this service? Nothing. In my opinion, it woudld be better to write in your own voice and make errors than send in something that sounds canned and still has errors.

By Dschnapps (Dschnapps) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 04:34 pm: Edit

Grammatical errors can be corrected. The soulless void that is the second essay cannot.

By Planetbeing (Planetbeing) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 05:14 pm: Edit

Oh geez, I hope the adcoms don't coordinate the SAT II writing scores and essays, because I wrote a good essay (by myself of coursse!) and yet got a 690 on the SAT IIs. Bah. Just because I suck at verb tenses. (The only part I died on was correcting mistakes in a sentence)

But yeah. The whole point of essays is to convey a bit of personality and the second one lacks that.

By Touky (Touky) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 06:26 pm: Edit

both essays are boring. but the second one is well-written. i agree with xiggi and some others that she did a good job considerign what she had to work with.

By Itempest (Itempest) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 07:48 pm: Edit

Planetbeing, don't worry about it in that manner.

If you have a great writing score, but a bad essay, they'll think you're lazy. On the other hand, if you have a less-that-great writing score, but a pretty good essay, they'll think you're a bad test-taker, or that you used a service like this one. The latter idea, I can see thrown out of the window if you showed some merit in your English classes (like getting good English grades).

My situation is somewhat similar. I think I have good essays, I've gotten good grades in English all my life, but, even after two attempts at the Writing my max manageable score is just a 690. Oh well.

By Gianscolere (Gianscolere) on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 08:03 pm: Edit

the second essay seems more sophisticated and clear but not written in natural voice.

By Kluge (Kluge) on Saturday, December 27, 2003 - 03:51 pm: Edit

Actually, I loved the first essay. The "least favorite"/favorite day of the week open/close is just okay. The use of tense is a little inconsistent at points, but that's not the worst thing in the world. At least it sounds genuine -which is not all that easy. The second essay, on the other hand, is so bad it's unbelievable. Not only is every ounce of credibility or originality squeezed out, it's a badly written. (Check out the random past/present tense change in the second to last paragraph.) I can't speak for adcoms, but as a middle aged appeals lawyer I read and write (and rewrite) a lot. Compared to the overwritten "look at how smart I am" style of most of the essays I've seen posted on this site the first essay was a breath of fresh air. The second one looks like every hack ghostwriter-written article I've ever glanced at and then skipped over.

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Saturday, December 27, 2003 - 04:53 pm: Edit

A breath of fresh air does not get you admitted in college. Genuine or not, the original essay is a very poor example of what a good college essay should be.

By Aim78 (Aim78) on Saturday, December 27, 2003 - 07:53 pm: Edit

Neither of them are very good, but the second is probably better. I can see what the editor was trying to do. Your first essay just rambled and was full of useless and uninteresting stuff. The revised essay gives the reader more information and makes your point clearer. I think you should scrap the first essay (the badly written dialogue is part of the problem) and work with the second essay, making it more personable and interesting to read.

By Plopfkop (Plopfkop) on Saturday, December 27, 2003 - 08:00 pm: Edit

Shoot the second one in the head, its boring. I mean, honestly just look at the first paragraph in each essay. The second one looks like it was written by a robot. It looks like it was written by some 18th century essayist. Or by some stuffy aristocrat in a play. It looks like it was written by the guy who speaks in the first pages of the Great Gatsby. Now, thats a fine book, but the guy was damned boring. Sure, your essay might be a little disjointed, but its better than being boring. It certainly does convey more about you than the "flowing" one.

By Kluge (Kluge) on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 02:01 pm: Edit

It should be a federal offense to take money from people for telling them to write sentences like: "I wonder with regret why others aren’t compelled to recycle diligently."

By Mike28 (Mike28) on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 - 02:12 pm: Edit

I agree, DO NOT USE THIS SERVICE.

For $150 they changed maybe 3-4 words here or there. I found 3, count them, 3 spelling errors, Harvard educated editors can't use a spell check?

My essays are minimally better, but not $150 better.

By Terpfan101 (Terpfan101) on Sunday, February 15, 2004 - 04:12 pm: Edit

thanks guys i actually did a lot of revising for my first choice school, UVA. I had sent this right before i was to leave for winter break vacation and did some revising on it up in NJ before sending it off. I used my first one. She kind of helped with the short answer questions from UVA, but still took away the voice. will let you know how it worked with my results.

By Terpfan101 (Terpfan101) on Monday, April 12, 2004 - 07:58 pm: Edit

i got into umd honors program, vandy, and emory, rejected to uva, duke and penn (which i didnt expect to get into) as a matter of fact the adcom from vandy said they loved my essay. BUT to all future seniors dont use this service!!! I even had written please just find and correct grammar, tense, and english mistakes but she completely changed my essay. Make sure you ask your english teacher to read over it which i didnt do.