Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

This essay is for the University of Maryland - College Park. I am posting it here very last minute - it must be postmarked by tommorrow afternoon (Dec 1). If you're reading this after Dec 1 please still do contribute because I may use this essay for future admissions.

Essay is supposed to be two to three pages long; it is just under three pages long. I have chosen a hybrid of their topic choice - How have you changed from when you were a freshman in high school - and my own, a significant event. The outline here is a two-story separate-but-parallel track. The [Italic] paragraphs recount an experience I had; the other paragraphs that follow the "narratives" are the introspective commentary.

Thanks for any critique you can offer!

Essay:

[Italic] As we look out through the grimy windows, magnificent clouds float by overhead while the untainted bush country streaks beneath us. The scenery is mesmerizing, an untouched expanse of wilderness like few have seen for many years. Returning our attention to the inside of the plane, our minds again focus on our present situation. Despite the pilot’s reassurances of safety, the creaks and groans of the antiquated 1957 De Havilland float plane’s airframe do not seem to agree. But neither the vast and unmarred beauty outside nor the possibility that we may never safely touch the ground again distract any of us from the fact that the next ten days of our lives would be an unforgettable experience. [/Italic]

Last summer, I signed up for what some called a summer vacation. I soon found out that what I was in store for would not be a week of mind-numbing leisure and consumerism. As a member of a six person Boy Scouting Venture Crew, I participated in the Northern Tier High Adventure program. The journey, based out of Bisset, Manitoba, sent us canoeing through 100 miles of virgin bush country. Far beyond a simple hike through the woods or a night of singing around a campfire, the trek through the remote wilderness was the supreme character building teamwork exercise. And by that virtue, my Northern Tier trip embodied many of the important changes I had gone through during my high school experience. My adventure – be it the one through conifers or the one through classrooms – has depended on me to practice what I already knew, reinforced the traits I was developing, and revealed to me how far I still had to go as a person.

[Italic] The small plane begins to descend. Still uneasy, we wonder how exactly this 46-year-old iron cocoon traveling at over 100 miles per hour is supposed to land on water, but we resign ourselves to trusting the laws of physics. Miraculously we are soon ashore and watching our only transportation back to civilization fly away. Before we had time to relax and absorb the tranquility, the work began. We meandered over to select one canoe for every three people and carry them to the water.
“Ben,” my friend Alex says, “grab that end and help me carry this canoe to the shore.”
“This one is all dented. Don’t you think that one looks better?” I say as I point to a canoe that seems to have more days left ahead of it than the first choice.
“You’re right, let’s take that one,” Alex agrees. And so began the cooperative atmosphere of teamwork and collaboration that was essential to our successful adventure. [/Italic]

Teamwork was essential during our trip through the Manitoban finger lakes. It would be an impossible task to traverse the 100 miles of waterway, dozens of miles of dry portages, and intermittent bog swamp if we could not pull together and work as a unit. My experiences in adolescence have been similar in reinforcing the value of cooperation. In elementary school, children with potential were completely separated from their peers by participation in magnet programs. In middle school, attempts at team learning floundered as the motivated students did the majority of work for a largely unmotivated team. The unfair situation which resulted did anything but foster an affinity for teamwork. However, in high school, the concept of teamwork begins to mature. Students are able to contribute their individual talents to a group activity. I have come to witness true performance of the concept that no one person is smarter than everyone together. Furthermore, opportunities abound in and out of the classroom for people to become involved. The challenge of activity instead of apathy is one that I have accepted as I have filled my schedule with activities in which I am able to intellectually enrich myself and take up leadership roles. Just as we were a motley crew of varying intellectual and physical abilities in the bush country, relying on each other to help carry the 100-pound canoes and pair of 85-pound backpacks across the treacherous terrain, I have come to appreciate the unique qualities each of my peers brings to the table every time we work as a team to solve a confounding problem.

[Italic] As the sun sets and darkness falls upon our makeshift campsite, my mind wanders back to the beginning of this whole adventure. Clearly, the start had not been at 3:30 AM that same morning as I rose from bed to board the airplane to Winnipeg. The beginning was some moment many months in the past when I had begun the preparations for my adventure. Knowing that this trip would be one that required preparation and planning like so many things in life, six months prior we had all begun individual exercise regimens, gear procurement, and fundraising. That night I fell asleep with the surprising notion in my mind that I was actually prepared. [/italic]

A procrastinator at heart, the concept of “there’s no time like the present” was a novel idea to me. Tempered by years of unchallenging situations, I came into challenges with the wrong mentality. While my old schema served me well enough in vapid and uninteresting early core courses in high school, advanced courses and life experiences have combined to encourage me to try my hardest at all times. I did not enroll in AP US History to do less work; special guidance permission was required to enroll in AP US History instead of American Studies II as a junior. An interest in the subject matter and a desire to learn the history of our country drove me to enroll. That interest then drove me to be a part of the creation of the Current Events Club and several other co-curricular activities. Ironically, my intellectual inquisitiveness would soon both punish and reward me. Procrastination would not, and did not, serve me well in a class where – as the students one day calculated – about seven years of history was covered per day. So I learned not to delay. Likewise, my trip to Canada required a lot of preparation and work ahead of time. Due to the fact that I was part of a team and could not let the others down, procrastination was not even an option. I have learned to practice time management, prioritize my commitments, and apply myself. Through effective time management I have been able to balance the hefty schedule of demanding academics and prolific extracurricular activities which occupy my time. And because those activities are ones that I’ve sought out to participate in, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[Italic] As the sun and the moon pass over me again and again, my little adventure through the woods provides more than its fair share of interesting challenges and unforgettable experiences. As we travel downstream at the first part of our trek, the journey is relatively easy. With three people in a canoe, there are two people paddling at any time and one resting. It wasn’t very long at all before we encounter dry land which we have to hike, or portage, over and carry our aluminum canoes, clothes, food, and garbage with us. Time and again we all have to trust that our partners are doing their jobs. Many times people do not pull their fair share and there is conflict.
This morning we got a late start and pull a long day. In the morning, people were slow to get moving. At our first portage of the day, one of the canoes flips over. A mid-afternoon portage proves to be especially difficult as we make our way around several treacherous rapids by way of either narrow and rocky footpaths or thick brush. Our mission today is to find a campsite at the entrance to a vast swamp which we must wade through tomorrow. Apparently our day has not been long enough because we get lost and have to paddle about ten miles back the way we had came before finding the correct spot. Everyone is very irritable now, at the end of the day, and there are several feuds and arguments brewing. Hopefully everyone will be able to solve their problems by tomorrow morning. [/Italic]

Even in the wilderness, separated from the nearest town by at least 50 miles, traveling with just a small group of friends, social skills are unavoidably necessary. Adolescence is for many a time of social growth and development and for me it has been no different. My peers at work and school reminisce about how disagreeable my personality was just four short years ago and how much I have changed. They say people are a product of their environment and I would have to agree. The people I have met and the things I have learned in the classes I have taken at school have all stayed with me. Outside the classroom is no different. An entrepreneur at heart, I meet new people and learn about new things in every idea I research or act on. I practice my charm, reason, and salesmanship as I solve the never ending problems of customers and their pets at the local exotic pet store. Cultural enrichment abounds whether if comes from excursions with friends, trips to the Peach Bowl to perform at the halftime show, or time spent with family. The journey itself is often just as worthwhile as the destination.

[Italic]We have made our trip full circle. Once again we are lifting away from the water to fly back to civilization. This time we look out the windows not in awe and anxiety as to what is to come but with an appreciation at what we have gained and yet also how much more there is to learn.[/Italic]

By Hikarikun (Hikarikun) on Monday, December 01, 2003 - 12:06 am: Edit

Wow this is long!

I wrote only about 485 for UMCP

By Frostmourne (Frostmourne) on Monday, December 01, 2003 - 02:43 am: Edit

is there a limit to how many words u can have? cuz its pretty long.

i'm sorry, but wut r the italics for? i dont get y they are there for? but i would suggest removing the italics because the admissions officers want to know more about you and the italics showed nothing about u.

"In elementary school, children with potential"
potential for wut?

"I have come to witness true performance of the concept that no one person is smarter than everyone together"
this sentence sounds weird.

"Just as we were a motley crew of..."
who is "we"?

"I did not enroll in AP US History to do less work"
get rid of that. taking AP should already show that u dont want to do less work

"I practice my charm, reason, and salesmanship as I solve the never ending problems of customers... "
is it supppose to be "never-ending"? not sure.

overall, it was ok. it was boring, but ok. if u can, try to spice up ur essay a little. try describing sumthing that happened at the Manitoban finger lakes or ur other trips that shows how it changed u


that's just my opinion anyway

By Mr_Mbuna (Mr_Mbuna) on Monday, December 01, 2003 - 02:22 pm: Edit

Final round of commentary? Thanks to those that have contributed so far.