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Hello well could you revise this and fix any spelling grammar or any suggestions? Send anything that fixed to giuseppe132@netzero.net thanks

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I slowly repeated the words in my head, “Ender died.” My sister had told me that afternoon that Ender died. At first, like any death, I was in shock, but then I knew it was real. I did not cry, although I wanted to. Instead, I remembered Ender for who he was. Although he was not the most beautiful goldfish I had ever seen, I knew that Ender was “different.”
I was at Wal-Mart shopping for clothes hangers with my sister and I decided I needed a new pet. I had $6.18 in my pockets and I decided I was going to get a goldfish. Looking for the cheapest bowl that would be large enough for a goldfish, but cheap enough for my budget, I found a ½ quart bowl. I bought fish food and that was it, Ender would have to live in a bowl with no plants, or rocks, only water. I then asked the worker, “Can I please purchase one goldfish? Please get one that looks really gold.” As the woman put the net in the tank all the fish ran away, but not Ender, he went into the net as if he wanted to go home with me. The woman asked me if it was fine or if I wanted another one. I was about to say I wanted one that looked more gold, but then I decided to keep the one I had. Ender was the dullest gold fish I had ever seen. He was a silver gray color, and it made me feel ashamed to call him a goldfish.
He looked ugly among the school of golden goldfish, and I was wondering on my ride home whether he went into the net because he was miserable being different, or because he really wanted to be with me. I knew was being silly; goldfish do not have very complex brains, and their attention span is only 1.8 seconds. Ender did not know that he was not golden.
I did not appreciate him at all. “He’s ugly and stupid,” I would tell my sister. But as time progressed I grew fond of him. One day after being called weird by friends because of my unconventional methods of thinking and doing things, I arrived home. Upset at the events that occurred at school that day, I went into the living room looking for Ender. I asked my sister where he was, but my sister simply looked at me, “Ender is dead.” The words resonated in my head. “How could this be?” I thought, “Not now. Why?”
I remembered Ender when I first bought him. He was dull as a rock, but now I realized, Ender was as gold as any other fish in the tank. He could swim as well and do the same as any other goldfish could I just could not see it. I did not give him the chance and now, he was dead. It was too late to see Ender’s real beauty.
I am glad I kept Ender instead of those really nice looking goldfish. Yes, the other fish lived up to what the traditional goldfish looked like, but none of those other goldfish could have ever matched Ender’s ability to be seen as beautiful regardless of his dull appearance. He did not know he was not golden, but he believed he was golden and that is what kept him going.
Ender had a talent. He was different and no one really saw how special he really was. It was through Ender, though, that I realized I am not golden either, but I am as gold as any other fish in the tank.
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By Culovv (Culovv) on Friday, November 28, 2003 - 11:48 pm: Edit

Are you serious? HAHAHAHA

Its well-written but thats a uhhhhh.... strange topic.

By Munkey113 (Munkey113) on Friday, November 28, 2003 - 11:53 pm: Edit

Yeah, but which topic will they remember more?

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 12:00 am: Edit

You need to develop the idea that through Ender, you learned that although you're not golden, you're as good as everyone else. Right now, that idea seems contrived and tacked on.

By Sharshar (Sharshar) on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 12:41 am: Edit

"Ender had a talent. He was different and no one really saw how special he really was. It was through Ender, though, that I realized I am not golden either, but I am as gold as any other fish in the tank."---I really like it.

By Bakedfrozen (Bakedfrozen) on Saturday, November 29, 2003 - 12:46 am: Edit

"It was through Ender, though, that I realized I am not golden either, but I am as gold as any other fish in the tank"
you may have something going there but its not clear what

By Munkey113 (Munkey113) on Sunday, November 30, 2003 - 11:45 pm: Edit

Do you think it's possible to use this as my number 2 essay?

By Frostmourne (Frostmourne) on Monday, December 01, 2003 - 03:28 am: Edit

"had $6.18 in my pockets and I decided I was going to get a goldfish"
make pockets singular and remove "I" before "decided"

"Looking for the cheapest bowl that would be large enough for a goldfish, but cheap enough for my budget, I found a ½ quart bowl"
remove "but cheap enough for my budget" becuz u're already implying this at the beginning of the sentence.

"As the woman put the net in the tank all the fish ran away, but not Ender, he went into the net as if he wanted to go home with me"
I like that

"I was about to say I wanted one that looked more gold, but then I decided to keep the one I had. "
change "the one I had" to "Ender"

"school of golden goldfish, and I was wondering on my ride "
change "was wondering" to "wondered"

"I knew was being silly; goldfish "
there's a grammatical error here

"Ender did not know that he was not golden."
double negative? if it is, i dunno how reword it

"...after being called weird by friends..."
put quotations around "weird"

"I am glad I kept Ender instead of those really nice looking goldfish"
change to "I am glad I chose Ender over the other goldfish"

"...but none of those other goldfish could..."
change "those" to "the"

"be seen as beautiful regardless of his dull appearance"
i think there should be a comma afer "beautiful"

"He did not know he was not golden, but he believed"
double negative again


overall, good essay. nice intro too. and to answer ur question, this could go under question 2 but, I don't see how knowing that u're golden would contribute to the UC campus.

well, these r just my opinions. u can tell that i have nothing else better to do right now. haha

By Bmckn (Bmckn) on Monday, December 01, 2003 - 04:10 am: Edit

Those "double negatives" are all right. Otherwise you'd have to say "Ender thought he was golden," which isn't exactly saying the same thing. You can not know you're not something. I think it works because there's two different verbs involved.

A double negative would be something like "ender didn't not know he was not golden." or "ended didn't know he wasn't not golden"

So in other words, leave those "double negatives" alone. They're fine.

I'm not sure if it fits with 2. You could force it to fit if you make some cuts and form a clearer, linking conclusion.