Can someone please help me on my UC Essays?

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: Can someone please help me on my UC Essays?
By Stereofanusa (Stereofanusa) on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 12:46 am: Edit

Hi everyone, I was wondering if someone could critique my essays. There are nearly five hundred words for the second essay and I needed some suggestions as to how I can add to that one. Another thing is I am not sure how to end the essay and I also wanted to know if this essay correlates with the prompt. For the 1st and 3rd prompts, I was wondering if these essays were well written or not. Any help given is great! Thank you in advance!!

I also wanted to know if the essays had to be blunt and straight to the point or do they have to be profoundly written because my counselor (who reads the UCSD and UCLA Apps) told me that my first essay was great, but after reading a couple of the ones on the board I'm thinking is mine really that great? Again thank you!

#2: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.

*Begins Here*
In the summer of 2002, my family and I traveled to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to visit my grandfather who was experiencing medical complications with diabetes. During our stay in Milwaukee, my grandfather was hospitalized because he was diagnosed with pneumonia and his arms and legs were swollen because of a bad case of gout. We visited him many times during the week, only to find that his health was not progressing. Before my family and I left for Milwaukee, we visited my grandfather one last time to give our salaams (blessings) and say our good-byes. When I saw his condition, I began to cry because he was always strong enough to pull thorugh. My grandfather called me over to his bedside and told me to be strong and to not cry because having the ability to not cry has enabled him to cope with diabetes for forty years. He reminded me that having a positive mindset has allowed him to have a positive outlook on life and thqt even though ordeals can get in the way anything can be achieved because nothing can block the ambitions of one’s heart. After two weeks, my grandfather was able to go home and was back on his daily routine. Since my grandfather has been battling diabetes for over 40 years, to me, he epitomized the idea of strength. Through the eloquence and inspiration of my grandfather’s words and actions, I decided to help others by volunteering at the local hospital.
Every Friday I would volunteer for two hours and help the doctors and nurses fulfill the needs of the patients. Many of the patients that come into the ICU have critical problems that need assistance and care from the nurses. Since the nurses are constantly involved with the patients there is not anyone available to take care of the ICU center. Some of the various activities I do at the hospital deal with passing out food to the patients, help the nurses transfer patients to different parts of the hospital. I also file paperwork in the patients’ folders and help the Intensive Care Unit answer incoming phone calls. I felt that I was instilling these medical values within myself, but I felt that I needed to aware my community about health issues so I started a club at my school called the World Health Organization.
My club has currently twenty members who have been involved with many activities to raise money for health funds such as UNICEF. With the UNICEF Trick-or-Treat campaign, my club raised over two hundred dollars to help inoculate children with a magnesium deficiency. Due to the Southern California Fires during the month of October and November, my club put together a clothing drive at our school so that clothing can be provided to those who lost their homes in the fires.

#1: How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college?

Ever since my Sophomore Year, I pushed myself to partake in challenging classes so I could prepare myself for college. Taking AP and Honors classes has provided me with an outlook as to how college will be. With these types of courses I have learned to not fall behind or to lose track because I have noticed that peers who do lose track are not very successful in the class because they are constantly making up missed work. My school provides tutorials where students receive help from teachers and other students. During my four years at high school, I have learned to go to these tutorial services because they allow me to receive a better understanding of the class work and it is also an opportunity to interact and learn from other students their different strategies to the work. I have also learned to participate in class because as a freshman I was very shy, and now as a senior I have learned to open up and express my opinion towards different issues. By participating more in class discussions I have a better grasp at the material we learn.

#3: Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in the application?

Coming from a school where many of the students began studying for the SAT in the seventh grade seems somewhat awkward to other people, but to me this is the normal. I never had the advantage of studying for the test because I never thought it to be an important test. I thought that since I was a good student, the test would be easy for me to take, but I was wrong. The first time I took the test, I thought that there was a discrepancy in my scores. I found it to be a fairly easy test and I found it hard to believe that I had done so poorly. When I retook the test, I knew that something wasn’t right. I instantly got involved with SAT preparatory classes and began to prepare for the tests. Over the summer, I studied and learned the different techniques such as elimination in order to manipulate and solve the tricks of the SAT. I also organized SAT study groups to see if any of the techniques that the other students used would benefit me in some way. Now that I have studied continuously for the test, I find that I am fully prepared to take the SAT in December.

Thank You again!!

By Stereofanusa (Stereofanusa) on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 11:00 am: Edit


By Jshifton (Jshifton) on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 01:18 pm: Edit

looks good to me.

By Stereofanusa (Stereofanusa) on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 03:05 pm: Edit

Anyone else? Please help me!

By Stereofanusa (Stereofanusa) on Friday, November 28, 2003 - 05:06 pm: Edit

I need to turn this application in soon. Can someone please help me critique my essay? Thanks!

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