Please comment on my revised UC #2 essay

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: Please comment on my revised UC #2 essay
By Dzdzdzdzd2000 (Dzdzdzdzd2000) on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 10:22 am: Edit

UC Essay #2

I am finished. I can feel every single vein pop out from my aching body. From the corner of my eye I can see the other drummers who are frozen still, trying to absorb as much energy from the moment as possible, like dying soldiers would inhale the last breaths in their lives. The ear-piercing cheering is muted by my intensity and emotion, which have been building up like a tsunami inside. Finally it collapses - a tear drops down my face. My four years in high school marching band and concert percussion are over. While I regret their end, and I will miss the sensations I got from performances, I know Iíll use the leadership, passion and work ethic I gained from them throughout my life.

One of the most significant lessons my activities in the music program taught me has been one of leadership. Being a section leader of concert percussion at Lynbrook taught me the importance of leading by example. I realized that being a section leader is not about being the best, but instead using the position to pass my experience and dedication to the younger students. One-on-one sectionals with my fellow percussionists allowed me to not only to give them guidance and instruction on their instruments, but also gave me the chance to learn from them. Scheduling and running sectionals and preparing for the concerts made me an organized and dedicated leader. In college, I will be able to use this to make myself an example for my fellow students.

At the end of my sophomore marching band season, couple of friends and I went to watch a Drum Corps competition for the first time in a nearby high school. When I saw Santa Clara Vanguard Drum and Bugle Corps perform their show, I fell in love and set myself an ultimate goal to join that Corps. The day I came back from the competition, I started to work on improving my drumming to a level way beyond the high school standard. I took every chance I could get to sneak in more practice. After a year of preparation and tryouts, I landed one of the eighteen spots among a hundred hopefuls. My long hours of practice paid off; the satisfaction of completing that goal was indescribable. I know now that anything is achievable if you have the will to work for that goal.

Being involved in percussion also taught me to manage my time. When Vanguard, marching band and concert percussion overlapped, I ended up coming home in the late evening every day, and in no condition to work. In order to not fall behind in educational and extra curricular activities, I had to reorganize my life. Instead of coming home and taking my time, I needed to efficiently use every single minute in my life. Soon I was able not only keep up with all of the activities, but also find new activities to participate in. In collage, due to significantly higher workload, this skill is not just useful but is ďa mustĒ.

While it is not the only significant activity I have outside of academics, being involved in Marching band and concert percussion have changed my life. I will never forget my years of sweat, memories and tears. More useful, however, were the lessons of leadership, hard work and dedication, which will benefit me for years to come. I plan to bring these skills that Iíve learned to the University of California. They will allow me to take initiative, become involved, and make myself a valuable member of any community.

By Ellemenope (Ellemenope) on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 06:46 pm: Edit

You're a member of Vanguard? That is really an accomplishment! I know kids in Esperanza, the San Diego drum and bugle corps equivalent. They are awesome musicians!

Essay comment: first sentence of last paragraph should be deleted. "While it is not the only significant activity I have outside of academics" detracts from your emphasis on percussion and doesn't add anything, since you are not going into those other interests in your essay. "Marching band and concert percussion have changed my life"--too trite and overused (unless it saved you from a life of drug addiction and prison.)

I think you could start that last paragraph with the next line--"I will never forget my years of sweat, etc. being involved in marching band,etc."

Thanks for sharing your essay and good luck. Which UCs are you applying to?

By Dzdzdzdzd2000 (Dzdzdzdzd2000) on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 05:41 pm: Edit

Thank you so much for your comment,yea Drum Corps are prety awsome.
Im aplying to all UCs Exept for Riverside and Berkley.
You guyz think I should mention my most improoved percussionist award which i recived afteter my year of preparation of SCV?

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