|By Finalautumn (Finalautumn) on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 05:00 am: Edit|
What are your thoughts, comments, etc about it?
Fine, I said it, “I am self-absorbed.” I measure my self-worth upon the efficiency I put into effect by volunteering. As I step onto the cold and dirty concrete 8:45 every Saturday morning at the donation station, a mad rush of intrinsic enlightenment turns me congenial, alive and human. Ah yes. It’s a guilty pleasure for me to absorb a donor’s glowing smile for my own enjoyment. I notice the fine wrinkles form on the side of his eyelids and subtly avoid direct eye contact for my own good. One second I discover that his eyes are the windows to his skull, I may cling onto some intangible affection for a lifetime. Hmm. I ‘ll just escape by counting the protruding blackheads on his nose as I hand him a receipt. I wish a fine day and happily thank him for his generosity. A response of “you do the same” keeps me standing there for awhile actually feeling more than fine. As he hops back into his car, he has not only clothed and/or fed X amount of families, but mentally energized me to positively last through the future wrath of tests in the school days to come. Strangely, time at Sacred Heart Community Service blinds me from my own assistance so my overwhelmed admiration for the staff and volunteers drives me to work and devote more time to fill in an inner void. Two blocks away from school, this is my experience of “life” beyond the high school community.
It’s a struggle since I’ve been raised to adapt myself to be less vulnerable towards human emotions. Somehow, something undefined triggers a chemical reaction in my brain to be aware of my well being – they have inspired and made me feel alive. There’s no denying the bigger picture and utmost-rejuvenating factor of self-discovery: the entire atmosphere itself. I discover a gold mine of genuineness within the variety of volunteers each time I go there. In the center, social class, race and any kind of classification is immediately erased to unify everyone toward the same goal: to help the community. Gradually, as the day progresses, my blank slate taints itself with thoughts to opportune myself to meet other persons. My previous human etiquette to smile was nice, but it withholds me from expanding to a world of experience and non-ignorance. Because I dwell in a world of perfectionism, a never-ending whirlpool of expectations and what-ifs flood my mind wondering what he or she is thinking.
Though I struggle with my hypersensitive insecurities, I’ve grown and managed to shove my natural pessimism aside and greet “hello.” I risk and permit myself to meet eye to eye in hopes of getting to know the person for the next three hours. I get to dig beneath the surface she attempts to keep flawless. She motivates me to unveil the real her so that I may understand her instinctive words, actions and reactions. I anxiously feed my mind to acknowledge her imperfections and mold them to meet her selfless qualities. But in doing so, does that really make me selfish? As I absorb the results, I remain confused for awhile within my own bubble analyzing her euphoria. Smiling after responding to one of my inquisitions, she surprises me and awakens my machine as I come close to realizing my feeling human.
|By Merugo (Merugo) on Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 05:10 pm: Edit|
one thing that college tend to look at is specific examples. although you do mention specific people, there is no one-time "scenario" that your portray. other than that, your essay is amazing. it kicks the crap out of mine.
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