UC essay critique please?





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: UC essay critique please?
By Dr_Slc (Dr_Slc) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 08:08 pm: Edit

hey guys...any input for the three essays would be appreciated...also...if anyone wants to evaluate the stats, http://pr.damnsw.net/display.php?user=Dr_SLC

Ok...here are the essays...Please read through (especially 1 and 2)

1.) How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college? The college preparatory academy that I attend is one that I decided to apply to during my eighth grade and subsequently matriculated in with the intention of pursuing many educational opportunities that I would not otherwise have at a standard secondary school. My academic educational experience at school has been phenomenal, allowing me to work with an extraordinarily diverse student body and lead intensive group work with motivated young men and women. My high school, being situated on a university campus, offers me the opportunity to take regular college courses at the university as well as a community college in subjects that are of interest to me. I study among college students who are attending these institutions because of their desire to expand their learning experiences in higher education. I have completed a diverse curriculum in mathematics, social, physical and natural sciences, arts and humanities, all at the college level, concurrent with my high school courseload. Furthermore, I have conducted independent biomedical research in a research institution since my freshman year, further enhancing my individual education in critical thinking and problem solving in a professional technical setting. I believe these classroom and extra-curricular experiences have equipped me well to take on the academic challenges on a University of California campus.

2.) Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California. I have always found a great sense of personal satisfaction in service and helping others, whether it is working as a member of service clubs, peer tutoring, volunteering at a hospital, or just playing the piano for the elderly in retirement homes during the holidays. Sharing my knowledge and skills with others has also been a passion of mine. In my freshman year of high school, I was a leader in the Science Competitions Club, and have been a mentor to my peers and underclassman ever since. I organized and coached student members in preparation for the Science Olympiad Competition. In my sophomore year, I also founded and still am president of the Biomedical Science Club on campus, where I have seized the opportunity to reach out to students who have not had any exposure to the broad field of scientific research and medicine. I brought in guest speakers, organized and arranged field trips to hospitals and research institutions. At the University of California, I plan to be a part of the job field-related and service organizations, continuing to grow personally and assisting others along the way.

3.) Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application? I never knew that being confined to a single room with twenty-three other team members for three consecutive days, from 8:00 AM to 11:00 PM in an office setting, then back in a hotel for the remaining hours, could be such a trying, yet inspiring and intellectually stimulating experience. This was the situation I found myself in, working on an aerospace engineering contract proposal at the International Finals of the International Space Settlement Design Competition at the Kennedy Space Center in July 2003. In our corporation, I was elected Director of Operations, allowing me to recognize first-hand the reality of what it takes to facilitate the completion a business product. My challenge was to work with subordinate managers to identify, with full justification, a location on the Martian surface to construct a settlement. I also provided the elements of basic infrastructure required for the activities of the settlement’s residents. My team spent three days and two nights working on the proposal with about three hours of sleep for me, and only a few more for others. Through these long nights in front of maps, diagrams, mathematical models and computers, with access to internet forbidden, I came to appreciate the diverse talents, interests, and knowledge of my teammates. Since my team from Southern California joined forces with a team from Durango, Colorado, I was amazed at the cohesive teamwork forged in a matter of hours. I saw how my interest and passion for classical instrumental music along with sports and recreation assisted in the development of the entertainment component of the Human Factors division, and how my unique knowledge gained from working for three years in a molecular biology research laboratory, was put into practical use in experimental design components in Structure, Operations, Human Factors and Automations. Late on the last night, our team, like all of our competitors, was unable to complete and print our proposal at the office suite, a proposal that was due at 7:30 in the morning. We withdrew to our hotel rooms to continue our project throughout the night. At 7:00 AM, a freshly installed printer, advertised to print fourteen pages per minute, bought from a 24-hour Staples, began printing our 46-slide presentation. At 7:25, a runner was poised for a dash to the lobby. There was one problem. The printer was only printing page 34. We ended up submitting our proposal documents at 7:45, thus incurring a heavy penalty. We would need an extraordinarily superior presentation to take home the championship. The presentation was indeed outstanding, but we ended up being the Runner-Up team. The judges told us that it was a very close race. Our tardiness definitely hurt our cause. This event was one of the most significant and rewarding accomplishments in my life, despite the disappointment. Among lessons learned were a profound respect for deadlines, even when there may be an inescapable roadblocks hindering the completion of a project, and an understanding of not leaving anything to chance. I also saw in this industry simulation, that using everyone’s strengths and the diverse interests contribute to a strong final product. This real-world scenario has served to enhance my educational life and add to my preparation for the awesome world that we live in. My experiences in my high school years have molded me into a scientific, rational, hard worker and I intend to expand on these attributes on a University of California campus.

Thanks!

By Collegeapplier (Collegeapplier) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 09:03 pm: Edit

3.) Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application?

I don't think that was meant to be an essay.

Also, you are very impersonal and stiff on the ones that are meant to be essays. stop bragging about your awesome school and academic savvy. you sound like you're brown-nosing a little too much. you also sound nervous. relax and start over on something that really describes the real you.

By Jennyzsong (Jennyzsong) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 09:18 pm: Edit

actually i'm pretty sure this is what they want, from i've heard. they want you to brag and be blunt.


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