Essay Suggestions...Do you like it, or should i do a new one

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: Essay Suggestions...Do you like it, or should i do a new one
By Munkey113 (Munkey113) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 12:02 am: Edit

Please give me suggestions on what i should do? It hasn't been proofed. SHould i write a new one or what? Thanks

I slowly repeated the words in my head, “Ender died.” My sister told me that afternoon that Ender had died. At first, like any death, I was in shock, but then I believed it. I did not cry, although I wanted to. Instead, I remembered Ender for who he was. Although he was not the most beautiful goldfish I had ever seen, I knew that Ender was different.
I was at Wal-Mart shopping for clothes hangers with my sister and I decided I needed a new pet. I had $6.18 in my pockets and I decided I was going to get a goldfish. Looking for the cheapest bowl that would be large enough for a goldfish, but cheap enough for my budget I found a ½ quart bowl. I also bought food, and that was all. Ender would have to live in a bowl with no plants, or rocks, only water. I then asked the worker, “Can I please purchase one goldfish? Please get one that looks really gold.” As the woman put the net in the tank all the fish ran away, but not Ender, he went into the net as if he wanted to go home with me. The woman asked me if it was fine or if I wanted another one. I was about to say I wanted one that looked more gold, but then I decided to keep the one I had. Ender was the dullest gold fish I had ever seen. He was gray, and it made me feel ashamed to call him a goldfish.
He looked ugly among the school of golden goldfish, and I was wondering on my ride home, whether he went into the net because he was miserable being different, or because he really wanted to be with me. I was being silly, goldfish do not have very complex brains, and their attention span is only 1.8 seconds. Ender did not know that he was not golden.
I did not appreciate him at all. “He’s ugly and stupid,” I would tell my sister. I then began appreciating Ender more. One day after a long day of being called weird because of my unconventional methods of thinking and doing things, I got home. I was upset at the events that occurred at school that day. I went into the living room looking for Ender. I asked my sister where he was, but my sister told me, “Ender is dead.” The words repeated in my head. “How could this be?” I thought, “Not now. Why?”
I remembered Ender when I first bought him. He was dull as a rock, but now I had just realized, Ender was as gold as any other fish in the tank. He could swim as well and do the same as any other goldfish could. I did not give him the chance and now, he was dead. It was too late to see Ender’s real beauty.
I am glad I kept Ender instead of those really nice looking goldfish. Yes, the other fish lived up to what the traditional goldfish looked like, but none of those other goldfish could have ever matched Ender’s ability to be seen as beautiful regardless of his dull appearance. He did not know he was not golden, but he believed he was golden and that is what kept him going.
Ender had a talent. He was different and no one really saw how special he really was.
It was through Ender, though, that I realized I am not golden either, but I am as golden as any other fish in the tank.

Any suggestions greatly appreciated

By Bebexm3rma1d (Bebexm3rma1d) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 12:11 am: Edit

I love it! It's really cute I wanted to keep reading it because It keeps you wanting to read more!

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 12:11 am: Edit

The writing should definitely be worked on a bit--give this to your english teacher. It needs to be tightened a lot.

I have to say though, this is one of my favorite topics ever. It's great. Aww.

By Munkey113 (Munkey113) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 12:57 am: Edit

so is it good and need some work, or is the topic totally not getting me into anywhere?

By Entropie (Entropie) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 02:17 am: Edit

wow such a good essay! I loved it.

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 01:46 pm: Edit

Munkey, it just needs some work with the writing. The topic is awesome!

By Munkey113 (Munkey113) on Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - 01:25 am: Edit

After I read it a couple of times I got the impression that i was talking about race and skin color, and some people at school told me that the readers could think that as well, do you think it's possible? or is it apparent that i'm not talking about skin color

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