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UC ESSAY HELP!! :( MY TUTOR SAID MY ESSAYS BAD!!





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: UC ESSAY HELP!! :( MY TUTOR SAID MY ESSAYS BAD!!
By Bebexm3rma1d (Bebexm3rma1d) on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 11:20 pm: Edit

1 Academic Preparation:
Being trilingual while living in Southern California has been very practical. Knowing three languages-English, Japanese, and Spanish-has been a great advantage for me. As soon as I attended kindergarten, I was enrolled in Asahi Gakuen Japanese School, and continued there for ten consecutive years. We had the same curriculum as the students in Japan did. Recently, I hosted a Japanese exchange student. She introduced me to aspects of Japanese culture and Japanese slang that were never taught in my Japanese school. In the eighth grade, I had the choice of taking Japanese, Spanish, or French. Although I could have gotten an easy A in Japanese, I decided to challenge myself and take Spanish as a third language. My Spanish was very useful during my junior year when I worked at a Sushi restaurant, because a large majority of workers were Hispanic. I was switching between English, Japanese, and Spanish and I felt incredibly accomplished.
I feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to use so many languages and interact with so many cultures and I look forward to taking advantage of the diversity at UC campuses. I am sure this mentality will help me as I continue to pursue my education.
DOES IT MAKE SENSE? I KNOW I HAVE A LOT OF GRAMMATICAL ERRORS!

UC ESSAY #3 I NEED TO CUT OUT 30 WORDS here but where??!
To know who you are, I look at your friends, a Spanish proverb that I was never able to grasp the meaning of, until now. When I compare my current set of friends from Key club to my old set of friends from my freshman year, I realized that I have changed enormously. When I look at my friends from freshman year, we would often gossip about other people, and it seemed as if the only thing we agreed upon was being judgmental. My friends reflected who I was, and if you looked at them, they were the kind of person I was. By my sophomore year we had drifted apart, because they resented that I chose to play tennis. This is when I started to develop a new set of friends from Key Club, and unlike my previous friends, they supported my own personal interests. My current friends are tolerant and open-minded. They dont judge others, and this was a quality that I had wanted to develop myself. I also learned to not take criticism personally, and use it as an opportunity to improve myself. When I look back, I am satisfied with my choice of friends, and realized they are the kind of people that I have always wanted to be. I am glad I have evolved from a gossip girl into a compassionate leader.


I WANT THEM TO BE ERROR FREE! CAN ANYONE HELP? :(

By Fruitios (Fruitios) on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 11:26 pm: Edit

uh, I think it's kinda funny how you switched the punctuation marks (?,!) for your last remark =)
sorry for not helping, gtg to dinner.

By Lilpopers (Lilpopers) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 12:48 am: Edit

For the first one I think that the concept of knowing three languages is a very good one however I really didn't learn that much about you from the essay, like how did knowing three languages affect you. I understand how you used it at work which is good and that you eventually hosted a girl from Japan, I would focus more on those things because the UC admissions people like to learn more personal things from the essays.
The second one was kind of confusing. I think the quote is "To know who you are, look at your friends", but that just may be the English version. I would also focus more on the good in your friends now rather than going into to depth of the bad of your past friends. Currently your essay drifts all over the place, you start off with a key focus, but then you lose it toward the end when you start to talk about taking things seriously. And I did not understand at all the playing tennis. I would try to just have one main focus since it is a short essay, and you want to make the most of the word limit.
Also explain the community service aspect of Key Club in your essay because the person reading your essay may not know what the club does exactly. I would contrast how with your old friends you spent your time doing badly and with your new community service friends you spend most of your time together working on projects that will help others.
Sorry can't help at all with the grammar because I am also horrible at that sort of thing.
If you want me to read it again after you revised it, I'll be happy to.

By Bebexm3rma1d (Bebexm3rma1d) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 01:30 am: Edit

I revised them again.. hmm my essays are 200 word limits.. and i really can't exmplain much into key club.. my friends well i want to say that I changed for the better and now i am able to choose the right friends and my current friends help me with whats right for my life


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