Quick critique on my essay would be greatly appreciated





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: Quick critique on my essay would be greatly appreciated
By Welshie (Welshie) on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 07:27 pm: Edit

Here is one of my essays for BYU Utah. The prompt was the cite one event that helped strengthen your character. If you can just give me a quick critique about content or writing style, that would be great. I won't ask you guys about any other essays until I'm done with my Notre Dame and Common Apps. Thanks.

Every year, my family makes it a point not to be overcome by rampant marketing and extreme materialism and keep a focus on the true meaning of Christmas. As such, we have made it a goal to spend our Christmas making and distributing care packages to the homeless. As unique and important as each individual Christmas was, I canít help but remember one Christmas when my family, led by my mother, decided to dedicate the entire day to help at the shelter.

Some people say that it is a newly found appreciation for their personal blessings that makes service a joy, especially toward the homeless. For me, however, it wasnít so much a newly acquired knowledge or wisdom, for that wisdom had already been established, but this Christmas presented me with an entirely different gift, the love of life.

These people in all their humility and dependence on others, still had grins the size of Texas and the graciousness to thank every person that served them their meal. As they interacted with each other and with us, sharing jokes and anecdotes, it was amazing to think of the trials they have already faced.

So often we find ourselves discontent over such unimportant, meaningless issues but that day at the shelter, even that one meal, showed me that life isnít about squabbling over nonsensical, unimportant issues but instead to embrace life for all that it is and be grateful to all those who help you in any way.

By Becks777 (Becks777) on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 07:32 pm: Edit

i must say its pretty good...good job!!

By Welshie (Welshie) on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 10:07 pm: Edit

Thanks. Anyone else, there isn't any real rush, I just decided to make a push on the applications today. Filled out the majority of the information on the BYU app, am almost done with the Notre Dame app and printed out all the material for my recommendations/counselor info.

-Jesse

By Bart_Simpson22 (Bart_Simpson22) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 12:26 am: Edit

better than mine...

By Sarbear (Sarbear) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 03:23 am: Edit

I just want to make sure that you know what BYU is, cause I've met some people applying there for academics. BYU is a Mormon university, and if you are not Mormon, you will be ostracized.

By Welshie (Welshie) on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 03:33 am: Edit

Ha, I do know that BYU is a Mormon University and I myself am Mormon. The academics aren't too shabby at BYU Utah as well. They aren't the best but they certainly shouldn't be dismissed. Thanks again.

-Jesse

By Sarbear (Sarbear) on Friday, December 05, 2003 - 01:45 am: Edit

No, academics are ok, especially enigineering, law, and foreign languages. But I'd go to BYU Hawaii for sure if I were Mo!


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