Please please please edit my UNIQUE and BOLD essay

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: Please please please edit my UNIQUE and BOLD essay
By Fiza (Fiza) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 02:06 pm: Edit

I have written two other essays but feel very strongly about this one. I know colleges dont want "excuse" essays so is this a bad idea???

By Fiza (Fiza) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 02:10 pm: Edit

haha forgot to put in the essay. ps. i KNOW the ending needs help so if you could help me with that then that would be great. :)

Essay (unrevised):

I excitedly leaped into the icy cold water of the bottomless lake without knowing how to swim. How hard could swimming be? If I easily floated on water before, then swimming would come as second nature.

Upon my initial encounter with the lake, I assumed I would be all right. I splashed around gently and found myself still above water. Then the cold set in. Soon, I could not feel my extremities. The chilliness overtook my mind and my senses until all I could think about was how to get warm. I looked around wildly, splashing water more violently than before, for something to hold on to. Nothing lay on top of the water except one fallen leaf. The edge of the lake appeared far away now, but I refused to give up hope.

Maybe I needed to give up. Yes, surrendering never came easy to me, but I should have this one time. I should have admitted the risk of failure to myself. I needed help, but my pride refused to see how badly I need it. I tried to swim, I truly did. The water was too cold; I was not prepared. Unbeknownst to him, sometimes a young soldier trudges into battle completely unprepared and suffers due to his significant lack of the skills and maturity to take on the situation. Not all endeavors are easy to accomplish; one must accept defeat as graciously as they recognize victory. I only I possessed clairvoyance. Maybe then, I would not have sunk. Maybe then, I would not have died.

A part of me died last year. Specifically labeling which part remains beyond my humble grasp. The child in me did not quite die last year. My inability to deal with structure and schedules did not die; the minor procrastinator in me continues to operate even today. My unrestrained optimism exists as strongly, if not stronger, than it did last year.

Then what did I leave behind last year? The English language does not have the words to describe it. What I can affirm honestly is what I took away from last year. What did that one point drop in my GPA from the year before bestow upon me? Depression, low self-esteem, the inability to dream? As prominent as these were last year, thankfully, that is not what I took away from it.

The regretful experience last year transformed me from a high school student to a college student, from a child to a young-adult. I took away so much from last year. I ascertained how to manage my time more efficiently, how to balance life, and how to deal with setbacks. I discovered my academic limits and learned how to consistently push myself without pushing myself right off. Knowing how to deal with the stress of life and all that comes with it remains invaluable. Without the wisdom I attained from dealing with my atrocious 11th grade year, the strength I possess this year would not exist. Last year left one very significant, positive impression. I will not continue to ramble on how I changed; the grades this year speak for themselves. The most invaluable thing I uncovered last year, however, was me. Nothing is quite as priceless as finding ones true self.

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 02:10 pm: Edit

Usually a bad idea!

By Alex86 (Alex86) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 02:30 pm: Edit

this doesn't explain WHY you got atrocious grades.....
if you feel the need to address them, then do. but don't just say you learned from them. way too trite. and if they are up again this year, the colleges can tell that you did something different.

besides this essay is just a little too creepy for my tastes.
be bold, but dont scare the adcom.

By Fiza (Fiza) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 03:15 pm: Edit

well the explanation will be made by my conselar. but thanks for the advice.

By Fiza (Fiza) on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 08:25 pm: Edit


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