COMMON APP ESSAY - Criticize harshly, harshly!

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: COMMON APP ESSAY - Criticize harshly, harshly!
By I10rooteu (I10rooteu) on Monday, November 17, 2003 - 11:55 pm: Edit

The last time I posted my essay, I had to throw it into the trash bin because you guys pointed out so many flaws in my essay. I eventually wrote another one. Thanks to you all. It's my rough draft I finished last weekend, and I'm sure there are many mistakes. PLEASE PLEASE Criticeze ruthlessly just like last time!!

My Future

…When you leave you must remember always to come back, she said.
When you leave you must remember to come back for the others. A circle, understand? You will always be Esperanza. You will always be Mango Street. You can’t erase what you know. You can’t forget who you are.

— Excerpted from “The House on Mango Street” by Sandra Cisneros

I am one of crews who left Korea for a more promising future. Too dangerous a gambling, everybody said. Some wondered why on earth I would quit a prestigious school I was attending. Others called me a runaway who abandoned my country. Despite criticisms, I have survived in the new world. As I saw two winters passed, however, a new doubt sprouted inside me.

I questioned – what does black eyes, flat face, and yellow complexion mean to me? A good friend of my mother, Suann, has three daughters who replied, “Nothing, they don’t matter at all.” Their mother gave births to them while studying abroad, like myself. When the time came, they without the slightest trace of hesitance knocked the door to America. On the other hand, a group of pregnant Korean women were arrested in L.A. for illegitimately trying to provide their children with the citizenships. Yoo Seung Jun, a famous rapper, fled abroad to escape a two-year long conscription and renounced his nationality.

Is that what I want? I often asked myself. In front of my abode, a vast field blotted by hundreds of swamps, and cold-blue air surrounding the Rocky Mountain behind fascinated me. Tae-kwon-do, a martial art which I loved and devoted to since my youth, pulled my other arm. Jubilant friends and neighbors in a couple dozens of houses along with the highway 38, and my dear parents and younger brothers grabbed my legs. I was torn in bewilderment.

The balance remained painfully still until a book was added to a scale. “Come back for the others,” the voice penetrated me, and my soul reverberated. It was then that my eyes were opened to uncountable boons in my life I do not deserve; caring friends and parents, heavenly opportunity to study abroad, and so on. I distinctly recalled a lesson, “For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required (Luke 12:48).”

I am weak, small, and of little worth. However, years lie before me and wait to be filled with experiences and wisdom. My four years of college are followed by two years of military duty in Korea, two years of mission in according with my faith, and several more years of medical school and residency. Away from my family and friends, I terribly miss them. Not an easy way I have chosen, but I am here to remember always to go back. I am here, in America, (to become a more useful gadget) for those I left behind.

The parenthesis will probably be removed. I didn't like it.

By Almostdead (Almostdead) on Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 12:13 am: Edit

i like this essay.
bad grammar.
i'm not sure if you hold positive or negative feelings to the US though... hmm... might want make that a bit more clear. =)

By Abz1986 (Abz1986) on Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 12:14 am: Edit

Wow you're really into citing works eh? I personally thought it was a pretty nice essay overall, but I'm probably not best at judging such...

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 02:30 pm: Edit

Several grammatical errors but overall ok.

By Minibrit (Minibrit) on Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 05:23 pm: Edit

too many people are writting about their culture. I wonder what the white people are writtng about?

By I10rooteu (I10rooteu) on Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 01:40 pm: Edit


By Unmatchedsocks (Unmatchedsocks) on Wednesday, November 19, 2003 - 01:59 pm: Edit

Some of your sentences make you sound like Yoda from Star Wars.

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