|By Iamthewalrus (Iamthewalrus) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 08:39 am: Edit|
Prompt: You've written a 300 page autobiography, give us page 217.
I assumed that im writing this autobriagraphy at an older age.
Be as critical as u want: grammar, stupidity, or straight up suckiness.
because I had no choice in the matter. I had to find a job. Living on the streets is an expensive lifestyle. So I held up the sign, standing on a corner. The cars whizzed by me. They took no notice. The sign read "Furniture Liquidation: Everything MUST GO. Friday, Saturday, Sunday: Going Out of Buisness Sale". It struck me as I was slowly getting frost bite, that that moment was the low point of my life.
I tried to backtrack, to see where I went wrong. Surely it wasn't my own fault, it couldn't be, and it never is. Then I realized the culprit. The instigator of my demise: the University of Pennsylvania. I remember being an ambitious teenager. Nothing was going to stop me from reaching my goals and going beyond everyone's expectations. I had worked as hard as I could in high school to reach my apex in my senior year. My future looked bright. The time came where I had to choose a university to further my studies. I remember wanting to be a doctor. I don’t quite remember exactly (its what 20 years of chemicals will do to you). I do remember the university I had all my aspirations set upon: UPenn. It was the only place I had any intention of going. I couldn't see myself at any other institution. So I sent in my application. I was so fixed on UPenn that I neglected to apply to anything else. I just knew that I would be headed to Penn.
The wait began. Then April came. I eyed the mailbox with an unhealthy malediction. The letter arrived later that month. “Insert Penn Rejection Statement Here” I don’t remember my initial reaction. I do know that I spent 3 weeks in my room doing God knows what. I came out and decided I had to get on with my life. I still wanted to be a doctor and I found out it is hard to do without a college degree. So for a couple of months, I just hung out at a hospital wearing a lab coat. That didn’t work too well when I finally got a patient. Lets just say that’s the reason I’m not living in Pennsylvania anymore. Then I began to master the 6 word question: “Would you like fries with that?” I became a connoisseur in my trade. People talked about my hamburger flipping skills all along the west coast.
Things would have been so much different if Penn had given me a chance. I wouldn’t have been put into the situation that I’m in today. I wouldn’t have been so depressed that I joined a cult. That turned out to be a dumb mistake. It all started when I had a craving for orange juice in Arizona
if u read the essay, u know that i need the statement Penn uses when they send the letter of rejection, that would help alot
thanks a bunch
|By Iamthewalrus (Iamthewalrus) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 08:58 am: Edit|
If anyone wants me to review their essay, please send it to iamthewalrus234 @ hotmail.com
|By Jennyzsong (Jennyzsong) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 10:58 am: Edit|
um. i like your writing skills, but this essay is a no-go. sounds too desperate and if i were the adcom people, you would be rejected for sure. never write something so direct. atleast i wouldn't.
why are you chronicling your own rejection?? now the adcom people will feel like there is something that should make you rejected.
plus it's just not a good topic, that's all. sorries! you can make equally awful comments about my essay at '"A picture is worth a thousand words" essay, revised.' also on this forum ;)
|By Crnchycereal (Crnchycereal) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 11:00 am: Edit|
I'm sorry, but this essay doesn't work at all. Yeah, it tries to be humorous, but it comes off as annoying. Some of the wording is awkward too: "It struck me as I was slowly getting frost bite, that that moment was the low point of my life." Also, I don't know if this is the route you want to take with your essay. Concentrating on the negatives of being rejected shows little about you and your story implies that you've done little to prepare for your future and that you have little desire to do so.
|By Iamthewalrus (Iamthewalrus) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 11:07 am: Edit|
i just wanted to convey that i want to go to penn and i didn't want my essay to end up as a resume. i just wanted to try a different approach. i guess it could use a little tweaking
thanks for ur critiques
anyone else want to take a jab?
|By Jennyzsong (Jennyzsong) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 11:13 am: Edit|
if you want to convey how much you want to go to upenn, definitely do it in a more subtle style.
|By Yu_Xia (Yu_Xia) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 11:14 am: Edit|
i agree with them, you are trying to be funny but the admissions people will not laugh at it as they put you in the rejection pile (or maybe they will laugh), try a different happier approach;
btw...i heard this one kid wrote two words for this thing and got in:
its original, but i wouldnt suggest ne 1 else use it since it is now old
|By Jennyzsong (Jennyzsong) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 11:41 am: Edit|
hahahah that's great!
|By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 12:51 pm: Edit|
actually the essay is not that bad as everyone thinks...it shows how devoted u r to upenn and its conveyed in a pretty funny manner....something different from the usual " i love upenn....i will strive to succeeed at u penn...upenn will help me build myself itno a strong individual.....blah blah" type of essay
but i m porbably taking a different approach towards your essay which may differ from the adcoms....so go figure
|By Ohyeah07 (Ohyeah07) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 12:59 pm: Edit|
I think that it's a good shot. You can write pretty well, although you might want to consult a thesaurus and pop in some synonyms (easy to do) that will make you sound smarter. You probably know the words, you just need to use them and then you will really know them.
About the comments of being too direct: I think that may be a good thing. If nothing else, it shows that you're brave. There are going to be tons of conservative essays showing up at these schools and you need to stand out. By taking a direct approach, I think you do that.
so just make it sound like you're extremely intelligent and that being rejected should NOT have happened
|By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 01:02 pm: Edit|
This is essay is terrible . . . terribly annoyingly not-funny-at-all awe[delete]some[/delete]ful! Scratch it.
|By Sarbear (Sarbear) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 01:11 pm: Edit|
I'm not going to comment on the essay, but you should recognize that you have polar reactions here - very positive and very negative. Since you don't know who will read your essay, you don't want to send in something with such mixed responses.
|By Iamthewalrus (Iamthewalrus) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 01:12 pm: Edit|
about the word choice: at first I wrote it with alot of high calibur words, but after proofreading it didn't convey an autobiography of a bum who hasn't gone to college.
Bbstlchi - thank u, u get my point.I wanted mine to be different, thats all. I know it can be tweaked but i also know that i like the idea
maybe im coming off as too desperate, that can be changed.
or should I make it so that I went to someother university (not an actual one, but ficticious) and do really well?
i respect ur opinions but i wish advice follows ur critiques
thanks for the help
anyone else doing this essay?
|By May_1 (May_1) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 02:32 pm: Edit|
I think it's pathetic. It shows that you are so unprepared to deal with obstacles in your life that you allow one rejection to stop you from achieving your goals. It shows that you are inflexible and imprudently put all of your eggs in one basket, so to speak. If were an admissions officer (which I am not), I wouldn't be terribly impressed.
|By Iamthewalrus (Iamthewalrus) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 02:38 pm: Edit|
chill out man. i never had the intention of anyone taking this essay literaly. wow. i thought that was pretty clear. i just wanted to show that i want to go to Penn. thats it. u seriously thought i would actually do the stuff i said in the essay. thats pretty funny.
|By Virgo007 (Virgo007) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 02:52 pm: Edit|
iamthewalrus- you are a really cool guy and im applyin to upenn too, but i agree with some of the members when they say you shouldnt send it in.
the whole essay is a bit pessimistic about the admissions process. you have no confidence in yourself, you sound depressed, and you make it sound youre obsessed with UPENN like anything.
anyway, good luck.
(i hope you dont mind i email you my essay sometime? :-\)
|By May_1 (May_1) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 03:01 pm: Edit|
It's not that I think you would actually do all of that, but you're basically portraying yourself as someone whose whole life revolves around 1 acceptance or rejection. It's clearly not the message you want to give to the admissions officers.
|By Abyss (Abyss) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 03:23 pm: Edit|
i dont know, you have a humorious, light tone, but the actual essay isn't so humorous to me. i mean it is to an extent, but you don't make the point clear enough that you're just kidding around- after all, you are degrading burger flippers and such, so you DO want to make this point clear.
however, overall, i get this feeling that you dont take life too seriously (so this essay is a satire for you) which is good. colleges love that.
i say the topic is ok, just write more and make it clearer that its a humorous essay.
|By Iamthewalrus (Iamthewalrus) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 03:27 pm: Edit|
thanks alot guys. i really do appreciate it. i do see where u guys are coming from and I agree. man, its a good thing i posted it. whew. Im really not a depressed or a pessimistic guy in real life, the exact opposite. i guess i'll revise it and post it. and i don't mind at all about reviewing ur essays, please send em.
|By Iamthewalrus (Iamthewalrus) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 03:43 pm: Edit|
if anyone else has critiques, feel free to post. don't be afraid to bash. the last few post have left me in the fetal position so anything more will be an improvement.
|By Virgo007 (Virgo007) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 05:01 pm: Edit|
arent you afraid some loser is gonna copy your essay and submit it for his own application, walrus?
|By Iamthewalrus (Iamthewalrus) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 05:45 pm: Edit|
"imitation is the highest form of flattery"
i'm just assuming that everyone on this board is mature enough to respect other peoples work. we put hard work into our essays (some more than others) and we at least deserve the right to use them. Yes, i am afraid. But i have confidence in my fellow man, which might be a fatal mistake
|By Yu_Xia (Yu_Xia) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 06:23 pm: Edit|
i say scrap it and write about something else...i can see the humor in it...but its the kind of goofy stupid humor that high school kids have...the adcoms will not be impressed adn they will reject you like u said in ur essay...in general it is good to stick to positive things than negative things get me?
|By Norwegianwood23 (Norwegianwood23) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 06:37 pm: Edit|
yep, i scraped it. im weak minded and caved under everyone's pressure, BUT i wrote another one (good for half an hour work huh?) and i feel better about my second one. GO CHECK IT OUT. its under the topic UPENN ESSAY: MAKES U FEEL FUZZY INSIDE
oh yeah, norwegianwood23 = iamthewalrus
ya get it, huh huh, the beatles, eh eh
|By Yu_Xia (Yu_Xia) on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 06:40 pm: Edit|
lol...u are pretty geeky man
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