UC essay#2(improved)!

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: UC essay#2(improved)!
By Eliel (Eliel) on Saturday, November 15, 2003 - 02:16 am: Edit

Tells us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal qualities that you will bring to the University of California.

I had a life-changing experience the summer vacation of my sophomore year. My family and I visited my father's birthplace, a very poor, rural village in Durango, Mexico. Before I visited I always thought I was unfortunate because of where I lived and the financial state of my family. People in my fatherís village were very secluded and isolated from the rest of the modern world. They live in real poverty and their whole families have to work every day just to make ends meet, and for many of them, just to eat. It was there where I realized how well I lived here in the United States. I realized I was taking life in America for granted, and I was not being thankful for what I had. After I came back from this memorable trip, I had a different perspective about life. It had been so profound that I became more involved in fundraising food for the poor in the community at my church. Nearly everyone I knew notices a difference in me. I have opened my eyes to another way of looking at life and at my family.
My junior year I joined Link Crew, in which I help freshmen at my school become more familiar with the school and make their transitions from middle school to high school more comfortable. My experience in Durango made me more compassionate, which helps with my experiences in Link Crew. All of these events transformed me into a better person, the person that I am now. These events will help me in college where all students have different life experiences. This trip also helped me develop and enhance the talent I have always had of learning different languages and about other cultures.
Through this unforgettable experience, I gained knowledge and wisdom to use my talent in a positive way to contribute to my community. I am a very creative person and I have potential to contribute to the vitality of this university. I have contributed to my school and community by being involved with Link Crew and to the community in general by my activities at school and with my church commitment.
My experience in Durango made me more compassionate and gave me the drive to help those in need in my community. I also believe that this drive to help contribute to the vitality of the university system.

By Eliel (Eliel) on Saturday, November 15, 2003 - 02:57 pm: Edit


By Eliel (Eliel) on Saturday, November 15, 2003 - 03:00 pm: Edit

Anyone please?

By Ceetotheizzle (Ceetotheizzle) on Saturday, November 15, 2003 - 03:10 pm: Edit

that's more than 200 words.. also it's a typical trip essay. Take a look at it one more times.. this is how it reads: I did this. I did that. Now I changed. Show dont tell!

By Eliel (Eliel) on Saturday, November 15, 2003 - 05:18 pm: Edit

thanks but how could I shorten it?

By Becks777 (Becks777) on Saturday, November 15, 2003 - 08:19 pm: Edit

i would suggest briefly talking about your dads place....and then talk about how u helped someone over there instead of giving your life long history on community service

otherwise i would suggest making this a 600 word essay instead of the math one which can be talked about in 200 words

By Eliel (Eliel) on Saturday, November 15, 2003 - 08:23 pm: Edit

thanks becks777

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