|By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 05:54 pm: Edit|
My dad waved me goodbye as I walked up the cold dry steps of my new school alone. The kids that walked past talked to each other about their summer but hardly even glanced at me. Changing schools has been one of the worst feelings I have ever encountered. I have had a personal experience of changing schools not just once, but a couple of times. My 4 years of high school have been a journey full of bumps on the way which has affected me academically as well as emotionally. In the past three years, I have moved from India to Saint Louis, MO and then from Saint Louis to Chicago. Ironically I will have to move again next year and go off to college.
Upon coming to America, I realized I was different with my Indian accent, Indian looks and Indian lifestyle. While it took time, I fit in very well in my new school thanks to the wonderful teachers and students I met who were willing to help me at any point.
So Just when I thought everything was going perfect, tragedy struck. It was spring time of my junior year. My friend Eric and I were busy selecting our courses for the next year .I was looking forward to another fun filled physics class with my favorite teacher Mr. Lay and joining the school’s soccer team. The same day I returned home and my mom with a grief-stricken face told me “ dear, your dad got laid off from his job today, we will have to move to Chicago after completing your year”. Bang! All my dreams and hopes were shattered.. Having the maturity to understand the reason for the move, I wasn’t ready for it emotionally. I was afraid of the uncertainty that lay ahead and unhappy about those who I left behind. Nevertheless, I held the tears within myself, left my destiny into the hands of my dad and moved to Chicago.
My first visit to the school didn’t impress me . Could I have any worse start to my new school than to hear the news that I was too late for the soccer try-outs?. And then came the D-day, my first day of school. A feeling of anxiety, depression and resentment overcame me. I was a new face in the hallways again. I felt lonely in a cheerful and jubilant high school world. For the first two days, I didn’t bother getting out of my secluded world. The next day, as I walked past the cafeteria, I noticed a tall and pale kid sitting all alone in the corner. Perhaps I felt sympathetic towards him or maybe I just needed some company and so I went up to him and said “ Hi, what’s your name?”. In a very peculiar accent he replied” Hi, I am Ricky, I am new to this school”. “Where you from?”, I asked him. He replied “oh, I just moved in from London”. From his talks I realized that he was more glad to find a companion than I was. Perhaps he needed help more that I did. Talking to him made me realize that maybe my victimhood and isolation was all self imposed. I was probably causing misery to myself by refraining from getting involved. Perhaps if I could be more out going I could make friends again. The next day, I didn’t mind asking for help from the person sitting next to me in my math class. Much to my delight, he invited me over to play soccer with his friends. This led to a series of new friendships. Making new friends again gave me a feeling of confidence and a sense of accomplishment.
So as I look back at my 3 years of high school, I realize what a life enriching experience changing schools has been for me. Every time I moved, I ended up meeting people who were as wonderful as those I left behind. Each friend I have met has given me something special. Every time I have left a friend I hold on to memories, memories that are going to live with me until the day I die.
|By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 07:08 pm: Edit|
|By Sidestoner (Sidestoner) on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 07:27 pm: Edit|
Your essay is riddled with weak verbals e.g. "Having the maturity to understand the reason for the move, I..." Try subordinating phrases. Your second to last paragraph also has a series of weak sentences with repetitive syntactic structures.
The theme and purpose of your essay are lacking. If your trying to tell us how moving was "enriching" tell us how your a better person because of it, not why you'll wax nostalgic "until the day [you] die."
I find it very difficult to be impressed by your introducing yourself to Ricky. So you made a friend, who cares? Unless you're applying to CalTech or MIT, the rest of the applicant pool is sure to have made plenty of introductions and friends. (Nerds have no social skills, get it?)
|By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 09:45 pm: Edit|
|By Sidestoner (Sidestoner) on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 10:36 pm: Edit|
OK, to quote you, "it didn't impress me."
|By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Monday, November 10, 2003 - 11:05 pm: Edit|
ok...so any ideas as to how i can make this impressive??...i dont mind postponing the app for one or more days
|By Sidestoner (Sidestoner) on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 02:11 am: Edit|
I would say that you should clean up the mechanics in your essay, but I reccommend a total re-working, unless you simply don't have time.
Let me give you some advice. If you wish to keep this theme, you need to develop it better. There are several basic things you should do, and fixing these problems should hopefully fix a whole series of problems that result from these basic flaws.
1. Tell me how this experience improved you. What was so "enriching" about it? So far all your essay tells me is that you made a new friend, an act you'll remember forever. Oh, yeah, and it gave you "sense of accomplishment and confidence" or somesuch. I get a sense of accomplishment when I finish a video game, does that "enrich" my life? You need to do better than "sense of accomplishment." If you insist upon maintaining your current examples, at least tell me how these experiences satisfied some aspect of the human condition manifested in you. Then you could at least *sound* profound. Or a better idea: frame the essay in terms of your life-struggle to overcome your shyness. Don't make your family's mobility the theme of your essay, but merely point out how that made it more difficult to overcome your shyness. Then you will need to come up with more compelling evidence of this triumph than your new-found ability to ask "for help from the person sitting next to you..." If you'd ever seen the movie "What About Bob?" you'd know that that's a "baby step." Adcom's don't want to hear about baby steps. (I apologize for the long paragraph.)
2.B Dialogue is lame. Your audience doesn't care about your conversation with Ricky when it is comprised of mere small-talk.
2. If you have enough time in your schedule, re-write the essay. Following my suggestions for tweaking your essay could help a lot, but what you really need is a better topic. I don't know you, so I can't suggest one.
3. Strengthen your writing. Your writing needs to be stronger. For example, if a proof reader edited out all the "fluff," laborious sentance-structures, and miscellaneous excess words, your essay would be much shorter--too short. Take your essay into your English teacher and s/he will be able to help. I'm not going to proof your essay for you--I'm too lazy to proof my own--but there are a few obvious problems I'll point out. The following two sentences add nothing to your essay and should be removed (or given enough context to have significance). "From his talks I realized that he was more glad to find a companion than I was. Perhaps he needed help more that I did." You really don't need all those excess words. You also say, "So just when I though everything was going perfect..." Sorry but "perfect" is an adjective; you need an adverb. Who the hell is Eric and why do you bring him up explicitly? Singling out meaningless people (or people who have no purpose in your essay) will only confuse readers who expect proper nouns to be important.
Where are you applying? If you're applying to a top school, I reccomend that you put off applications until the regular admissions cycle. This essay isn't good enough for top-tier shools. And given your writing skills and the possibility that English is not your first language, you'll need all the time you can get to write a passable essy. If, however, you're applying to an average school, even this essay might be good enoough (provided you edit out the truly embarassing mistakes) as long as the rest of your application is strong.
|By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 09:23 am: Edit|
oh well...i m applying to the UCs
Report an offensive message on this page E-mail this page to a friend
|Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.|
|Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only|