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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: BE BRUTALLY HONEST PLEASE!
By Floopowder (Floopowder) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 02:28 pm: Edit

Hey is the 600 word essay for the UC. PLEASE be brutally honest and tell me what you think.

The topic is open-ended and just asks for something else about me that i would like them to know. Mind you this is the first draft and is a little over 600 words
So here goes:

“And the first place for this year’s elocution goes to Megan Patel.”
I had done it. I had actually done it. I had now received the first place elocution prize three years in a row. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on that trophy and run home to show my mother. She was a cancer patient battling the disease for over four years. She amazed doctors and all other medical professionals alike. Unlike most cancer patients, she looked, and acted like a perfectly healthy person. She drove herself to the market, took my brother and me on shopping sprees, and cooked some of the most delicious foods without an ache or complaint. In short, doctors were just amazed at what she could do instead of being bed ridden or hospitalized. She even got an offer to publish her life story in the Reader’s Digest in India.
Right before class ended for the day, I was notified that my uncle was waiting outside to pick me and my brother up. I assumed he had heard about the elocution prize and was going to treat me to a victory lunch. I got into the car and buckled up, but instead of taking the way to the restaurant, my uncle drove in the direction of my mother’s hospital. I presumed that she had gone for her routine checkup and that we were going to pick her up. However, I knew that something wasn’t quite right. My uncle held my hand and slowly took me through the doors of the hospital. I held my trophy in the other hand and was impatient to show it to my mom. As I approached the room she was in, I saw a sight that to this day is crystal clear in my memory. My dad was at the edge of a bed, crying; doctors and nurses surrounded the bed with their heads down. A chill ran down my spine. I couldn’t walk anymore and tears started to swell up. I looked at my brother standing beside and he looked back at me. As I took one step closer to the door, my worst nightmare came true. It was my mother on the bed covered with a crisp white blanket. I tried to put up a brave face but it was too much. I ran into the arms of my father, crying like I had never before. I dropped my trophy with a thud and was willing to give it all up just to see my mom open her eyes again. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I slowly walked toward my mother and lay beside her, hoping she’d put her arms around me. I yelled and screamed for her to open her eyes but nothing resulted. The nurses and doctors tried to calm me down but nothing could suppress the rage and anger I felt. Why did it have to be her? Why couldn’t it be next door neighbor Sally’s mother?
A week and a half later, after performing all the rituals and rites, my father, my brother and I actually sat down as a family and spoke heart to heart after a long time. I had wondered for a week and a half whether it was my fault that my mother died, or if I had done something to upset her. My brother took out something from his pocket, and read aloud, “Those whom the Gods love die young.” There was silence for the next two minutes, as I took in the meaning of those words. After those two minutes, it felt like I had gone through a deep relaxation. I knew that wherever she was, she was happy. We ended the day with a game of rummy, my mom’s favorite game.
After that family gathering, we have had many sit-togethers where we each pour our hearts out. Some end with us crying and hugging, some end with us laughing our heads off. The one thing I learnt from all of this was the lesson of overcoming obstacles. No matter how strong you think you are, the only real way of overcoming obstacles is with the help and guidance of others. Getting rid of ego and asking for help is what makes a person strong. Inside and outside.


By Bz_Cp (Bz_Cp) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 03:03 pm: Edit

Good essay, very touching. Sorry about your mom. When was this?

By Floopowder (Floopowder) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 03:05 pm: Edit

thanks. When i was 10 about 7 years ago

By Becks777 (Becks777) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 03:26 pm: Edit

wow...wonderful essay.....good job with getting the emotions in...sure to get u into the UCs

By Clickspring (Clickspring) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 03:32 pm: Edit

"Why couldn’t it be next door neighbor Sally’s mother? "

Cut that out...the paragraph ends better without it and you shouldn't wish death on other people.

Also, when you say your brother pulled "something" out of his pocket, be more specific. It'd be better if you could tell the reader exactly what it was

By Floopowder (Floopowder) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 03:54 pm: Edit

muchas gracias guys

By Abyss (Abyss) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 04:27 pm: Edit

i dont like it when essays begin with quotes for some reason. i dont know why everyone on this site is doing that!

By Floopowder (Floopowder) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 05:13 pm: Edit


By Jonathan0386 (Jonathan0386) on Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - 10:18 pm: Edit

Awesome! but you should reconsider your ending on one of the paragraphs...why could'nt it be next door sallys.....just end it with why did it have to be my mom.

By Sidestoner (Sidestoner) on Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - 10:29 pm: Edit

Elocution: No doubt an important skill, but what the h#!! is an elocution award?

I'll be honest I only read the first few sentances and passed my eyes over the rest. I did see one mistake however, and where there's one there's more: " open her eyes, but nothing resulted." In addition to being a weak and colorless sentence (espescially given the drama of the moment), using the verb "resulted" smacks readers over the head with awkwardness.

By Sidestoner (Sidestoner) on Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - 10:30 pm: Edit

Oh and another as I was scrolling up to go back to the main thread: "learnt" is bad. Replace it.

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - 10:42 pm: Edit

I think the opening quote is a little cliche....Ironically that's probably exactly what the announcer guy said, but it sounds contrived.

By Northstarmom (Northstarmom) on Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - 11:03 pm: Edit

First, I am very sorry for your loss. It must be so difficult to lose a mom when you were still so young,and to also have her death occur so unexpectedly.

I think that you can revise your essay to put more emphasis on what you have done to prevail and excel in your life despite having such a difficult loss to contend with.

Right now, your essay makes me feel sad, and I feel sorry for you. However, I think that the most effective college essays that describe challenges leave the reader feeling admiration that the writer was able to triumph over such adversity. A revision could, I think, lead result in readers feeling that kind of admiration for you.

By Floopowder (Floopowder) on Thursday, November 13, 2003 - 12:57 am: Edit

THANK YOU GUYS SOOOOOOOO much! your comments totally rock and i will definetly be taking each one into consideration

By Floopowder (Floopowder) on Thursday, November 13, 2003 - 12:58 am: Edit

oh and by the way sidestoner, elocution is like a speech and debate kinda thing

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