UC Essay#1





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: UC Essay#1
By Eliel (Eliel) on Saturday, November 08, 2003 - 01:30 pm: Edit

I am applying for the UC's and here is my 1st essay:
Any questions, remarks, hints or anything just tell me, please!
Thank's!

Tells us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal qualities that you will bring to the University of California.

I had a life changing experience the summer vacation of my sophomore year. My family and I visited my father's birthplace, a very poor, rural village in Durango Mexico. Before I visited that village I always thought I was unfortunate because of where I lived and are financial state of my family. People in that village were very secluded and isolated from the rest of the modern world. They live in real poverty and their whole families have to work every day just to make ends meet and many of them just to eat. It was there where and when I realized how well I lived here in the United States. That is when I realized I was taking life in America for granted. I realized I was not being thankful for what I had. After I came back from this memorable trip, I was thinking differently about life that even my family notices a difference in me. I open my eyes to another way of looking at life and at my family. That year I joined Link Crew, which I help freshmen at my school become more familiar with the school and make their transitions from middle school more comfortable. I know this experience will help me in college where all of Students have had different experiences in their life. That trip also help me develop and enhance the talent I've always had of drawing and of learning different languages and cultures. Through this unforgettable experience I gained knowledge and wisdom to use my talent in a positive way to contribute to my community. This experience which sparked my talent that helped me contribute to my community and to my personal qualities I will bring to college, which will help me, and my university become better. I am a very creative person and I have potential to contribute to the vitality of this university.

By Demonllama (Demonllama) on Saturday, November 08, 2003 - 05:11 pm: Edit

everyone does Link Crew though...is there anything else you did that would be more significant than that? And prove that you don't take things for granted anymore?

By Abyss (Abyss) on Saturday, November 08, 2003 - 06:07 pm: Edit

here we go. i'm going to read and comment as i go along so you see where my train of thought is.
1 I had a life changing experience the summer vacation of my sophomore year

a little bit too blunt. let them realize it was life changing through the essay. the only thing thats worth keeping is "summer" and "sophmore year" (if you want to designate the year)

2My family and I visited my father's birthplace, a very poor, rural village in Durango Mexico.

again, you may want to change the structure of this sentence so its not a simple sentence. prehaps "in the summer after my soph. year, i was immersed in the heat of Durango, a small rural village surrounded by the flat expanses of Mexico" (of course i'm making stuff up here and i'm writing in haste but you get the idea)

3 Before I visited that village I always thought I was unfortunate because of where I lived and are financial state of my family. People in that village were very secluded and isolated from the rest of the modern world. They live in real poverty and their whole families have to work every day just to make ends meet and many of them just to eat.

i dont want to attack you but i dont like this writing style. i dont feel any emotion or genuity behind it. its so cold

4 It was there where and when I realized how well I lived here in the United States. That is when I realized I was taking life in America for granted. I realized I was not being thankful for what I had.
your use of parallel structure is not effective

ok i'm going to stop here. your essay is sadly too "typical". bring in some creative prespective that the university would have never expected. or talk about a specific expirience at this village. anything, just something interesting that is specific to you!

and by the way.. never end like this: I am a very creative person and I have potential to contribute to the vitality of this university.
let them discern that by themselves

By Dr_Slc (Dr_Slc) on Sunday, November 09, 2003 - 02:19 am: Edit

this is the 600 worder, right? cuz this isn't essay # 1: how have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college?


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