How's my essay?

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: November 2003 Archive: How's my essay?
By Eliel (Eliel) on Wednesday, November 05, 2003 - 11:32 pm: Edit

I am applying for the UC's and here is my 1st essay:
Any questions, remarks, hints or anything just tell me, please!

How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college?

I have had many opportunities to take advantage of the educational resources to prepare for college and I've taken all of the opportunities possible. Not only have I taken many challenging courses offered to me I have also challenged myself by risking my grades which fortunately I've kept up. I also did not hesitate on the chance of going to France my junior year. I fundraising and worked very hard to earn my trip to France. On that trip I learned a lot about another culture and not only their culture but also about my culture and how it affected our culture and vice versa. This trip I took to France will help me a lot in college. I've also been taking language course and this summer actually I began to learn Italian on my own. I am a very motivated person especially when it comes to my passion which chess to learn and explore different cultures, different people, different languages and different views of life. I've always been motivated in everything I have done. I've taken the initiative in pursuing my education further. I have motivation and dedication to learning. I want to take my education further, what better way than at your institution.

By Averageasian (Averageasian) on Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 12:15 am: Edit

"I fundraising"... i fundraised

"I am a very motivated person especially when it comes to my passion which chess to learn and explore different cultures..." chess?

I'm gonna steal a suggestion from the person who commented on another essay... "SHOW not TELL" or try and explain your motivation, initiative, and dedication through things you've done or an event that can exemplify this.

Pretend like you're protesting outside Congress. Don't make signs that say "Abortion is bad" but rather put on a lab coat, spatter some fake blood, and bring a clipboard and a plastic cleaver to get the point across. (btw, this is just an example, i don't want hate mail, k tks ^^)

Good luck

By Financelad (Financelad) on Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 12:16 am: Edit

lol i say show not tell :)

and man is the essay supposed to be that short?

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