|By Financelad (Financelad) on Wednesday, November 05, 2003 - 12:29 am: Edit|
Yeah I posted my rough draft a few days ago and I got a alot of positive feedback and people suggested me some amazing sentences and I used them ;) thank you. Here is my first draft. ANy other suggestions that will make mine appealing to the admission committee?
Fighting my fate
The blue sky began to quake from the stampeding students, my ears in tune with their pulsating feet as my eyes turned to greet them. I remember that day quite vividly. It was lunchtime. It was my first day of high school in the United States. My family and I had just moved to United States from India consequent on my father getting a job in the software field in the Silicon Valley, the Utopia of every computer guy in this planet. Our journey was complete, future in the land of dreams appeared settled, and I was all set to have the idyllic life that a teenager could want. However, little did I know that my journey was just beginning. At that stage, I had no inkling of what was in store for me. Life in the United States was an enigma with my Indian accent, Indian looks, and my Indian lifestyle. I was different. Fitting into my new high school environment was the hardest thing I had to go through. With my poorly designed clothes, dark shabby skin, and an almost unrecognizable accent I often became the object of ridicule by my peers for being different. “Hey! Look at dha injun kid huh?”
The desire to “fit in” among my peers soon caught up on me. I became actively involved in my community and high school. I began volunteering at the senior center, became actively involved in varsity badminton, was an officer in the Student government for two years, and associated myself with many clubs. Naming and describing my accomplishments may take me a few minutes but the different qualities and discipline that these activities instilled in me will last a lifetime. I learned the idea of teamwork and surviving with people of different interests; leadership taught me to lead with my heart and not with my mind, and serving small amounts of food to the hapless elders brought immeasurable happiness to my heart and created the element of sympathy in me. I was not looked down upon as ‘different’ anymore. Within my junior year in high school , I had cultivated the perfect American accent and brewed the perfect lifestyle, I had earned the respect of my peers and I could experience the complete satisfaction of accomplishing something that I had set my mind on. I proved myself academically by taking Advanced Placement courses and excelled in the opportunities I had pursued. Life was beginning to look almost perfect; until one day during the summer of 2003, my parents told me that we would all have to move to Colorado due to my dad’s change of job. I was shocked and dumbfounded on hearing the news. All my dreams of achieving my goals and establishing a unique place for myself in the comfort of my high school were hamstrung by this sudden announcement by my dad.
I am now a high school senior at an unfamiliar school, with new attitudes hiding behind each friendly face. I now have to prepare find myself to fit into the new place. Changing to a new school in a new area after you have established full rapport with all the pals and faculty members in your old school is a real tough prospect. However, I am not going to let that stop me. I am planning to get involved in clubs, sports, and other forms of activities. Getting into college is my main goal right now. Fate has played with me again when I realized that my family and I were not permanent residents of the United States. I will not be eligible to receive any form of financial aid because I am not eligible for a social security number. Who would ever have thought that a nine-digit number would change your whole life? The lack of financial aid is a burden upon my parents and me. Given only three years to earn wherewithal for the entire family on a single person’s paycheck, my family, and I have always struggled financially. My education is my dream, my life, my responsibility, and ultimately my struggle. I know that my education will have its meaning only when I struggle hard to achieve even the most impossible goal. My parents have sacrificed everything for me and now it is my time to repay them for their rewards for all the struggles and ordeals they suffered to educate me; by getting into a good university. The skills and values I have learned throughout life, my journey through different places, and my adapting to every new surrounding and scenario has made me ready to move on undeterred in my career and to become successful in the field of Business Administration. I am the poor insect caught in the convoluted web of life but I will ultimately have to conquer my battles. I am ready to fight my war. I will be mentally prepared for the adventure that lies ahead of me A few months from now I see myself having lunch again inside the unknown walls of a university, where I might be ridiculed again just because I am different. It will not stop me from fighting my battle. This is my home and my struggle continues. It will be one of my life’s new journeys and I am ready to walk on the path to success.
|By Andrey1225 (Andrey1225) on Wednesday, November 05, 2003 - 12:49 am: Edit|
i can see you used the first line i suggested to you word for word...
i don't think it's anything special though, you probably could have come up with a better one on your own.
|By Financelad (Financelad) on Wednesday, November 05, 2003 - 12:54 am: Edit|
well I couldve ;) but the way you said it was pretty amazing. it was like *BAM* ;)
|By Momx4 (Momx4) on Wednesday, November 05, 2003 - 01:26 pm: Edit|
Financelad, I think your essay is excellent. I am not an adcom, just another parent who has read too many essays already, but I was drawn to read through to the end of yours. I think you should change the first sentence though. It doesn't sound like you; it's too artificial, and doesn't match the style of the rest of the essay. I don't think you need to make the first sentence formal to catch attention, I think you should just say something in your own words that will make the reader want to continue reading. I am not an English teacher, I don't know much about writing, I only know about reading, and I think that if you can't think of a luring first sentence, you can eliminate the first sentence altogether and start off with you second sentence, changing the word "that" to "the"
|By Financelad (Financelad) on Wednesday, November 05, 2003 - 01:48 pm: Edit|
thank you wow glad you liked my essay
I will try to change the first sentence tho. any suggestions?
|By Duperme (Duperme) on Wednesday, November 05, 2003 - 08:17 pm: Edit|
a few things....
change this phrase, "I remember that day quite vividly", because not only have I used that phrase in one of my essays, but someone else on this forum used that too.
this sounds forced, " and serving small amounts of food to the hapless elders brought immeasurable happiness to my heart and created the element of sympathy in me." Dont say "created the element of sympathy in me", because we all know you dont talk like that. And take out "serving small amounts of food", just say "food" or "meals". Also, do not say " "happiness to my heart, " replace it with just "happiness."
Take out one word or the other, dont say both "shocked and dumbfounded". Actually, there are many, many sentences in your essay that use "something and something" when all you need is "something," in other words, you are sometimes being redundant. Remember, long sentences do not impress the reader, they want sentences that flow smoothly and quickly.
AND CHANGE THIS FOR SURE!!!!! "My education is my dream, my life, my responsibility, and ultimately my struggle...by getting into a good university." Admission officers dont want you to go to their college because your so bent on education just because you want to make your parents proud. They want independent, self motivated people. They also dont want kids who name education as their "ultimate" goal. Education is NOT your ultimate goal, your ultimate goal is knowledge through college, and a successful career. Trust me on this one, that paragraph you have now will definitely screw your chances.
And at the end you say, "I am the poor insect caught in the convoluted web ... It will not stop me from fighting my battle." You used three different metaphors laced into one paragraph to describe your situation. You are an insect, you are fighting a war, and you are on an adventure. You are going to have to pick one so that it does not sound so random.
Also, in regards to your intro, you do not need the phrases "it was lunchtime." You may need a new first sentence, a detailed sentence that describes the unfamiliar faces and your anxiety at your first day of school, but "the blue sky" is completely irrelevant.
I like your essay because I can tell it is very honest, and you do have a very distinct voice. However, it is just you sentence structure and word choice that needs revision. Overal, I think you should shorten your essay, and cut and phrases or words that you do not need.
|By Financelad (Financelad) on Thursday, November 06, 2003 - 03:47 pm: Edit|
yeah I added the lunch part because if you look at my conclusion I talk about having lunch also and how I have progressed through it all.
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