Horrible ESSAY

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: Horrible ESSAY
By Screwed4life (Screwed4life) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 09:06 pm: Edit

Hey guys will you read this essay. Its my friends essay (I know the subject line is kind of mean but hey what else can a person's do to get your attention) and she does not have the internet, so she wanted me to post this up and ask for you all’s opinions. I personally do not like the essay that much but we just want to hear all of your smart people inputs.

If I could write a memoir on my life, up until High School, I would title it “So Close, Yet So far” because throughout my life, I have always been within inches of reaching my goal, but something always has to come in the way and prevent me from attaining the thing I desire. I have had many incidents in my life that illustrate this concept-The time I lost in a Halloween costume contest when I was five because I was sucking on a sucker, The time I didn’t make the basketball team because I was too short, the list goes on and on. However, one event that I would make sure to include in my memoir would be my endless pursuit to get into the Gifted and Talented program at my school.

My mom was always obsessed with getting me into the Gifted and Talented program (GATE). My brother had been in GATE, so she expected me to be in it too. I really didn’t know much about the program except that it was supposedly for a few smart and creative people. In fact, our school only had about 8 people in the program. All of the kids look up to them because they seemed so cool. They got to do all sorts of neat things like go on field trips and have pizza parties. I wanted to be in it so badly, especially since my two best friends were in it. In third grade, my mom asked my teacher during the parent teacher conference if she thought that I should be in the program. My third grade teacher told my mom that she wondered why I wasn’t in the program in the first place, so she recommended me and talked to the GATE coordinator. Everything was set, I had the grades and the talents, and boy was I was excited! I was finally going to be considered as one of the smartest and coolest people of the school! However, a week later the GATE lady said I couldn’t be in it because my test scores for the test I took to qualify into GATE wasn’t high enough. My mom and I were really disappointed. I felt like I was a loser, and I didn’t think it was fair. I worked so hard all the time; I always did my homework and had a straight “A” record. One test shouldn’t count that much and ruin my chances to get into the program. The next year, when I was in fourth grade my persistent mom went on her quest to get me into the GATE program once again. Once again, my teacher recommended me and I went through the same process. I had good test scores, but this time there was supposedly another kid that was better qualified than me. The last and final time, I tried for the GATE program was in 5th grade. This time, I had thought that I was set and was going to be in the program because my teacher, after talking to The Gate teacher, gave me lots of forms to give to my mother to be signed. When she handed me the forms, I was grinning because I thought I finally made it. Instead of getting a formal notification of my rejection this time, I never got a reply back from the coordinator. I remember crying and feeling depressed.
She is still working on the last paragraph

Do you think it would be better for her to focus on another incident-one that may be less academic oriented like the Halloween costume incident? She says the GATE incident best represents the idea of “So close yet so Far” In her essay she says she didn’t get in because of her low test scores. Her SATS are not very good..will they notice that?

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 09:20 pm: Edit

Whatever incident she uses, she should close with something positive. Never end an essay with "I remember crying and feeling depressed." Did she learn anything from the experience? If she didn't, she shouldn't use it in her essay.

The topic itself isn't really that great, either; it is pessimistic and negative. She should consider other options.

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 09:53 pm: Edit

Is this in response to a question that asks you what you'd title your memoir? If it is, then the title does nothing but restate the question and use an unoriginal title. You should definitely revamp it.

By Sac (Sac) on Monday, October 27, 2003 - 01:33 pm: Edit

These are incidents from elementary school. Colleges want to know about the person you are in high school. I would suggest to your friend first, that she emphasize her achievements rather than her frustrations. Second, that she should write about incidents or an incident that is much more recent.

By Kipling6 (Kipling6) on Monday, October 27, 2003 - 02:47 pm: Edit

the problem i have with this essay is that the person does not sound like she really wanted to be in GATE for any valid reason besides her parents and friends pressured her, she wants to eat pizza, and have the status of a smart kid.... sounds kinda childish

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