Just finished an essay, criticism needed!





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: Just finished an essay, criticism needed!
By Montydsw11 (Montydsw11) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 01:31 pm: Edit

The prompt is:

Tell us about the work/volunteer experiance that you value most and why (250 words, I have 264 now)

Twice a year, every year, my father and I engage in what has become a family past time- ushering on the Jewish high-holy days. We have been “Ushing” ever year since I became a Bar Mitzvah five years ago.
My father, who is now the head usher, is essentially in charge of everything that goes on, whether it be regulating the temperature of the sanctuary or inspecting a suspicious truck that enters the premises. My responsibilities, as his lead assistant, are nearly equally important; I clear the aisle way as the clergy is approaches, assist the elderly in finding their seats, and preside over the main sanctuary doors during the service. Each day, we are the first to arrive each day and the last to leave, often volunteering a collective 24 hours of time. Together, we ensure a smooth operation year after year.
But for me, ushering on the high holidays is more than simply a long day of volunteering. Ushering serves me as a spiritual bridge to my late grandfather, grandpa Stanley. I never met my grandpa Stanley; instead, he has been a near mythical figure in my life whose image has existed solely from family members’ stories. My father and his father, grandpa Stanley, ushered together on the high holidays the same way my father and I do now.
When I wake up early to get dressed on Yom Kippur morning, I put on my Bar-Mitzvah watch and grandfather’s tie clip. I look down at the tie clip, engraved with his initials, S.E.W., and remind myself that he is also looking down.

By Montydsw11 (Montydsw11) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 03:22 pm: Edit

bump..

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 04:02 pm: Edit

This is for Cornell, correct? I like it.

My advice would be to keep it one paragraph, and make it more concise. I wrote about my work with abused horses, for example, and the realizations I had about animals' emotions and the happiness it brought me to help them. I only had about two sentences of description, and the rest dealt with the value of the experience.

By Melissamelissa (Melissamelissa) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 04:12 pm: Edit

"Each day, we are the first to arrive each day and the last to leave"

------awkward

By Montydsw11 (Montydsw11) on Monday, October 27, 2003 - 08:12 pm: Edit

thanks all, here is the revision. And yes, it is for Cornell.

it is 283/250 words... I need help trimming it down...

Twice a year, every year, my father and I engage in what has become a family past time- ushering on the Jewish high-holy days. We have been “Ushing” ever year since I became a Bar Mitzvah five years ago.
My father, who is the head usher and program co-coordinator, is essentially in charge of everything that goes on, whether it be regulating the temperature of the building or inspecting a suspicious truck that enters the premises. My responsibilities, as his lead assistant, are almost equally important; I clear the aisle way as the clergy approaches, assist the elderly in finding their seats, and preside over the main sanctuary doors during the service. Every Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we are the first ones to arrive and the last to leave, often volunteering a collective 24 hours of time. Together, we ensure a smooth operation year after year.
For me, ushering on the Jewish high holidays is more than simply a long day of volunteering. Ushering serves as a spiritual bridge to my late grandfather, Grandpa Stanley. I never met my Grandpa Stanley; through my life he has been a near mythical figure whose image has existed solely from family members’ stories. My father and his father, Grandpa Stanley, ushered together on the high holidays the same way my father and I do now.
When I awake early to get dressed each high-holiday morning, I put on a tradition suit and dress shoes. In addition, I add my Grandfather’s tie clip, a family heirloom that was given to me at my Bar Mitzvah. I look down at the tie clip, engraved with his initials, S.E.W., and remind myself that he, too, is looking down.


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