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Hey I started my college essay -- this is is the intro. I wanna say how I felt pain on a certain day, and that's how I started. It feels kinda shady though.. can you please comment!
THANX!! a whole bunch..
;-)

If you ever looked into the soul of a lost, disheartened teenager, you would see pain, grief, and emptiness, exactly what I felt two years ago on November 3rd.

By Goodkid2004 (Goodkid2004) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 04:45 pm: Edit

PLEASE ;-)

By Binks (Binks) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 04:52 pm: Edit

okay, the thought that just came into mind was "uh oh, she's not going to complain about her life on this essay is she?"

And that date tag on thing....that's just unnecessary. I like the "look into the soul part"...but tone it down on the all the negative adjectives.

By Goodkid2004 (Goodkid2004) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 04:59 pm: Edit

thanx.. actually i wanna say how i got over someone's death, and, in a way, i've preserved her legacy.. just wondered about the opening.. thanx tho
anyone else>?

By Asndfkas (Asndfkas) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 05:14 pm: Edit

"pain , grief " > empty words to me
what do they mean?
show, DONT tell
do you know what i mean
and don't be cheesy

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 05:16 pm: Edit

GoodKid2004~

It is USUALLY not a good idea to write about overcoming someone's death. It will be hard to pull it off. I would encourage you to discuss it with people who know the current state of essay topics.

As far as the opening sentence ... it is not a good opening and is way too flat. If you insist on using it, this would be a way around it:

"Pain, grief, and emptiness filled my disheartened teenager soul on that somber day in November."

But again, do some checking on the choice of the essay.

Good luck to you!

By Goodkid2004 (Goodkid2004) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 05:26 pm: Edit

bumpity bump

By Goodkid2004 (Goodkid2004) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 06:00 pm: Edit

By Dschnapps (Dschnapps) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 06:50 pm: Edit

Actually, I kind of liked the idea of, "If you ever..."

But you should just cut out "pain, grief, and emptiness"...You've already described your state by the first part of that sentence

You might do: "If you ever looked into the soul of a lost, disheartened teenager, you would know exactly what I felt two years ago on November 3rd. "


This modification is, of course, conditional upon if you want to even keep this idea, which is hard to pull off as other posters have said...we would need to see the rest of the essay to tell you whether you succeeded.

Good luck!

By Clickspring (Clickspring) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 07:40 pm: Edit

Don't use "you"; it's informal. Try phrashing it like this:

Looking into the soul of a lost, disheartened teenager, one would see pain, grief, and emptiness, exactly what I felt two years ago on November 3rd.

By Dschnapps (Dschnapps) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 07:59 pm: Edit

IMHO, the use of "you" is personal, and when you are establishing an empathic relationship with the reader (like in this situation), I think it's appropriate.

As a general rule, though, no you's allowed.

By Goodkid2004 (Goodkid2004) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 08:52 pm: Edit

thanx so much guys ..
wait so no "YOU" or "YOU" .. lol
=)

By Asndfkas (Asndfkas) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 10:10 pm: Edit

No i really liked this:

"If you ever looked into the soul of a lost, disheartened teenager, you would know exactly what I felt two years ago on November 3rd. "

By Goodkid2004 (Goodkid2004) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 11:05 pm: Edit

ahhh

By Influx (Influx) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 03:24 am: Edit

i liked it a lot better too goodkid

By Goodkid2004 (Goodkid2004) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 12:23 pm: Edit