Sadness depression and resentment......





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: Sadness depression and resentment......
By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Friday, October 24, 2003 - 11:34 pm: Edit

this is what i talk about in my final-reviewed essay....any advice would be greatly appreciated

Your dad waves you goodbye from the car as you walk up the cold dry steps of your new school alone. The kids that walk past talk to each other about their summer and hardly even glance at you. You sit down in the classroom only to wait for your teacher to come up and tell you that you are in the wrong class. Changing schools can be a daunting experience. I have had a personal experience of changing schools, not just once, but a couple of times. My 4 years of high schools have been hectic. After completing my 9th grade, I had to change my residence but not the school. Then after 10th grade, I made a move across the ocean to the united states from India and joined a public school in Saint Louis, MO. Unfortunately my dad lost his job during my junior year and I had to move again to Chicago. Ironically, I was expected to attend a high school in Fremont, CA where I stayed for the first three months in the united states. My entire family lived there. But my dad got a job in Saint Louis, MO. If that’s not ironic enough, I will have to move again next year and go off to college.

Changing, schools was a challenging experience for me both emotionally as well as academically. The opportunities available here at high school amazed me. Though I didn’t experience much of a culture shock here, fitting into a different group was hard.. It took some time for me to fit in socially as well as academically. In fact it was not until the very end of my 1st semester that I learnt about the college admission process and how competitive it was.

Late December, my dad got laid off from his job. Pretty soon he got a job in Chicago and the idea of changing schools again started haunting me. Having the maturity to understand the reason for the move, I wasn’t ready for it emotionally. I was afraid of what lied ahead and unhappy about those who I left behind.
My first visit to the school didn’t impress me ( I tried my best to convince my mom that my previous school too had state of the art gym facilities like this school, although it actually didn’t!). Choosing courses at my new school did nothing but add to my frustration. The freedom to choose your own courses in America was taken away from me for the second time. Almost half of my year senior year classes were graduation requirements( Oral communications, P.E, Drivers Education). Oh, and did I forget to mention that I couldn’t make the soccer team since I was late for the tryouts. And then came the D-day, my first day of school. A feeling of anxiety, depression and resentment overcame me. I felt lonely in a cheerful and jubilant high school world. It wasn’t until after a week of school did I realize that now it was my turn to come up to people and talk to them. Surprisingly it wasn’t as hard as I had thought. I am forever grateful to the people who helped me here including teachers, students and my parents. I began to love the diverse group of my school and all that a big city like Chicago had to offer. Meeting new people, making friends again gave me a feeling of confidence and a sense of accomplishment.


So here I am now, hoping to attend a good college and succeeding in life. As I reflect back my last 3 and a half years of high school, I realize what a life enriching experience changing schools has been for me and how it has helped me build myself into a strong confident individual . I have the ability to make friendship with people wherever I go. Meeting different people from different parts of the world has changed my view about people. It makes me think that people everywhere have the same common interests, goals and an ambition to succeed.

By Afk (Afk) on Friday, October 24, 2003 - 11:45 pm: Edit

Is there a prompt? Or just a personal statement?

Anyway, here're my comments:
It is well written, but it sounds like you're just saying "Oh, my life sucked, and now it's better because I'm good at this and this and this."
"Changing, schools" -> "Changing schools" (probably just a typo)
The biggest problem with this essay is that it doesn't tell much about yourself, other than you changed schools. Which the college would already know from your application.
To improve, you might go into more detail on some ways that changing schools influenced your life, thinking, etc., with one (or several) specific examples.

By Folk_Hero (Folk_Hero) on Friday, October 24, 2003 - 11:45 pm: Edit

So where's the sadness, depression, and resentment??!! For starters:

"Changing, schools was a challenging experience ... It took some time for me to fit in socially as well as academically." Uh-uh. This is not an English class essay where you need to make a generalization and write a thesis. Talk about your specific experience with detailed imagery and explain HOW it was hard, HOW you were sad to leave your old friends, etc, etc. Get some emotion in!

"In fact it was not until the very end of my 1st semester that I learned about the college admission process and how competitive it was." Cut this. Don't whine.

Also, the transition near the end of your last paragraph from lonely to suddenly cured is too sharp. HOW did this happen? Analyze yourself a bit. Maybe you can describe a specific instance, a turning point, where you resolved to talk to someone you had been noticing...etc.

That's just the most obvious stuff. It needs another good look from someone else.

By Folk_Hero (Folk_Hero) on Friday, October 24, 2003 - 11:48 pm: Edit

Clearly, I didn't correct your grammar. PLEASE get someone to do it.

By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 12:15 am: Edit

wow...thanks for all those advices

By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 03:49 pm: Edit

"Also, the transition near the end of your last paragraph from lonely to suddenly cured is too sharp. HOW did this happen"

i m finding it hard to find a connection in between....just talking about how i started talking to someone who i had been noticing might look stupid

By Jinhamasaki (Jinhamasaki) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 05:30 pm: Edit

I agree with Folk_Hero (Folk_Hero), you need more specifics! Admissions is not going to admit you by having pity, so I think you should summarize your changing schools in a few sentences. You need specifics, how has making friends given you confidence and a sense of accomplishment? How do you know you have that? What have you done that shows you have that?

You are also going to need to use more rhetorical strategies. I'm sure you can relate change to something. Maybe you can say something like you felt like a baseball, your dad was the batter that would decide the fate of where you would end up. (Very bad, I know, but you get the picture).

If you can't transition to the last paragraph, delete it. I think you are trying to throw too many points around, instead of concentrating on a few. That way, you can stay within the word limit and still write a good essay.

Good luck!

By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 05:55 pm: Edit

i dont get it actually....what type of specifics do u want me to have?
do u want me to talk about like how i went to a 3 day northerstern u tour......and made some great firends there which shows i have the confidence to socialize now?

By Folk_Hero (Folk_Hero) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 06:33 pm: Edit

I emailed you with a bit of advice...

By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 07:00 pm: Edit

taking into consideration all your advices heres my corrected essay....one problem i have is that its 100 words over....how big of a deal is that?

Your dad waves you goodbye from the car as you walk up the cold dry steps of your new school alone. The kids that walk past talk to each other about their summer and hardly even glance at you. Changing schools can be a daunting experience. I have had a personal experience of changing schools a couple of times. After completing my 9th grade, I had to change my residence . Then after 10th grade, I made a move across the ocean to the united states from India and joined a public school in Saint Louis, MO. Unfortunately my dad lost his job during my junior year and I had to move again to Chicago. Ironically, I was expected to attend a high school in Fremont, CA where I stayed for the first three months in the united states. My entire family lived there. But my dad got a job in Saint Louis, MO. If that’s not ironic enough, I will have to move again next year and go off to college.

Changing, schools was a challenging experience for me both emotionally as well as academically. The opportunities available here at high school amazed me. Though I didn’t experience much of a culture shock here, leaving people who I felt comfortable with and fitting into a different group was hard.

Its spring time of my junior year. Me and my friend Eric are busy selecting our courses for the next year .I am looking forward to another fun filled physics class with my favorite teacher Mr. Lay and joining the schools soccer team. Then I return home and my mom tells me “ dear, your dad got laid off from his job today, we are going to move to Chicago after completing your year” Having the maturity to understand the reason for the move, I wasn’t ready for it emotionally. I was afraid of what lied ahead and unhappy about those who I left behind.


My first visit to the school didn’t impress me ( I tried my best to convince my mom that my previous school too had state of the art gym facilities like this school, although it actually didn’t!). Choosing courses at my new school did nothing but add to my frustration. The freedom to choose your own courses in America was taken away from me for the second time. Almost half of my year senior year classes were graduation requirements( Oral communications, P.E, Drivers Education). Oh, and did I forget to mention that I couldn’t make the soccer team since I was late for the tryouts. And then came the D-day, my first day of school. A feeling of anxiety, depression and resentment overcame me. For the first two days, I didn’t bother getting out of my isolated world. The next day, as I walked past the cafeteria, I noticed a tall and pale kid sitting all alone in the corner. Maybe I felt sympathetic towards him or maybe I just needed some company and so I went up to him and said “ Hi, what’s your name?”. In a very peculiar accent he replied” Hi, I am Ricky, I am new to this school”. “Where u from?”, I asked him. He replied “oh, I just moved in from London”. From his talks I realized that he was more glad to find a companion than I was. Later that day I found out that he was in three of my classes. I was more than glad to help him out in his classes. Talking to him made me realize that perhaps my victim hood and isolation was all self imposed. The next day, I didn’t mind asking for help from the person sitting next to me in my math class. Making new friends again gave me a feeling of confidence and a sense of accomplishment.


So as I look back at my 3 years of high school, I realize what a life enriching experience changing schools has been for me. Every time I moved, I ended up meeting people who were as wonderful as those I left behind. Each friend I have met has given me something special, I just cant tell you what. Every time I have left a friend I held on to memories, memories that make my life.


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