My poor under-read essay needs your opinions please!

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: My poor under-read essay needs your opinions please!
By Siriuswishbear (Siriuswishbear) on Wednesday, October 22, 2003 - 10:21 pm: Edit

Ok i fixed a few things from my other post (i think its under the Chances forum, not sure though...i'd have to go look and i'm lazy right now, sociology homework tends to have that effect) it is!! please let me know what you think!! pick it apart to no end! i really would appreciate it!!!
It is a pity that the best moments of our lives, once they have passed, can only be replayed in our minds like perpetual tape, retrievable at will, but slowly deteriorating with time and use. Pictures—4 by 6 snapshots of moments passed—can serve as constant reminders of the true physical aspects of the events: the color of someone’s eyes, the shape of a room, or the view of a mountain range, keeping the fickle characteristics of memory in check. Such bittersweet memories, however changing, remain the closest things to the episodes time has so mercilessly passed by.
One such memory I have is of a night last June while attending an astronomy camp in Arizona. Three fellow campers and I wandered away from the camp fire that had been raging since shortly before the sun set on the tree-covered landscape of Mount Graham. Sprawled out in a field together with naught between us and the dazzling sky was nothing short of perfect. We gazed at the deep blue blanket riddled with miniscule specks of light, counting satellites slowly sweeping across the sky, blending in with the celestial background. For that short while, time meant nothing to the four of us. The moments spent there lasted a precious eternity, so much that none of us, to this day, could possibly guess how long we lay there together, counting satellites and singing rounds of “Row, Row, Row, Your Boat.” Yet even that memory has waned, just a tiny bit for now; with the passage of time, the details will become less distinct—the patterns of the stars hanging above us, the topics of conversation and the order in which we were lined up on the field—will fade and burn out like the last dying embers of a once spectacular fire. It is not by choice that any of us should lose these recollections, but it is inevitable that they will be forgotten or lost in the cruel passage of time.

Any and all suggestions/criticisms are greatly appreciated!!

By Siriuswishbear (Siriuswishbear) on Thursday, October 23, 2003 - 09:52 pm: Edit


By Siriuswishbear (Siriuswishbear) on Friday, October 24, 2003 - 12:50 pm: Edit

bump...again :(

By Jjsmom (Jjsmom) on Friday, October 24, 2003 - 01:25 pm: Edit

Hi, I'll try to help. What was the prompt? I'm trying to see what the point of this essay was. I like your writing style, btw, just not sure what it is you'd like me to know about YOU from reading this.

By Siriuswishbear (Siriuswishbear) on Friday, October 24, 2003 - 08:37 pm: Edit

I'm not entirely sure i catch your meaning. It's the 5th option on the Common App (Chose a topic of your own).
>I like your writing style, btw, just not sure what it is you'd like me to know about YOU from reading this.

I guess i'm trying to express how "perfect" astronomy camp was...
:-/ you've got a good point...i don't think that essay is really saying anything ABOUT me...should i write a different one then?

By Afk (Afk) on Friday, October 24, 2003 - 11:58 pm: Edit

Well, it's not the only essay, right? As long as all the essays together paint a picture of you, it doesn't necessarily have to be super insightful.

By Jjsmom (Jjsmom) on Saturday, October 25, 2003 - 12:12 am: Edit

It's so well-written that I can see why you're reluctant to start anew. If you could modify the essay so that it speaks of what you learned about the world from this experience, or about others, or your philosophy on life, your values, your interests, etc., this could be salvaged.

OR...Is photography/writing/artwork an important extracurricular or talent of yours? If so, this essay could be easily modified. You could focus on how your photographs/writings/artwork mark memories of moments/people/events like this that could otherwise fade.

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