Please comment on my humble essay.....





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: Please comment on my humble essay.....
By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Tuesday, October 21, 2003 - 08:30 pm: Edit

hi,
this is my reviewed-after-the rough draft version of my essay. I basically talk about changing schools. some revies i m looking for my essay are:
1. Am i being too negative?
2. Is my grammar alright?
3. How about my vocabulary....too immature?

Thanks for taking time reading my essay...


Your dad waves you goodbye from the car as you walk up the cold dry steps of your new school alone. The kids that walk past talk to each other about their summer and hardly even glance at you. You sit down in the classroom only to wait for your teacher to come up and tell you that you are in the wrong class. Changing schools can be a daunting experience. I have had a personal experience of changing schools, not just once, but a couple of times. My 4 years of high schools have been hectic. After completing my 9th grade, I had to change my residence but not the school. Then after 10th grade, I made a move across the ocean to the united states and joined a public school in Saint Louis, MO. Unfortunately my dad lost his job during my junior year and I had to move again to Chicago. Ironically, I was expected to attend school in Fremont, ca where I stayed for the first three months in the united states, but my dad got a job in saint Louis. If thatís not ironic enough, I will have to move again next year and go off to college.

Changing, schools can be a challenging experience both emotionally as well as academically. I really looked forward to attending high school in the us, so leaving my previous school didnít bother me a lot. The opportunities available at schools here amazed me. Though I didnít experience much of a culture shock here, fitting into a different group was hard.. It took some time for me to fit in socially as well as academically. In fact it was not until the very end of my 1st semester that I learnt about the college admission process and how competitive it was.

Late December, my dad got laid off from his job. Pretty soon he got a job in Chicago and the idea of changing schools again started haunting me. I sure wasnít ready for another school change. But with no alternative way, I moved to Chicago after completing my junior year. My first visit to the school didnít impress me ( I tried my best to convince my mom that my previous school too had state of the art gym facilities like this school, although it actually didnít!). Choosing courses at my new school did nothing but add to my frustration. The freedom to choose your own courses in America was taken away from me for the second time. I was required to take several graduation requirements classes like Gym, Oral communications ( a sophomore class!), and drivers education. I couldnít follow my interest in computers since I couldnít take classes like AP computer science( hope to major in computer science and was offered every alternate year) and advanced web designing( not offered). Oh, and did I forget to mention that I couldnít make the soccer team since I was late for the tryouts. The first few weeks of my new school, I didnít feel like getting involved in anything. I didnít have any school spirit during the homecoming week. But like a bad dream I waited for it to get over. Now it was my turn to approach to people and make friendship with them. Surprisingly enough, I started to love the diverse group of students in my school. I met people who had come from all over the world. I realized that if I had made good friends in my previous school, there was no reason why I couldnít do it again.

So here I am now, hoping to attend a good college and succeeding in life. As I reflect back my last 3 and a half years of high school, I realize what a life enriching experience changing schools has been for me and how it has helped me build myself into a strong confident individual . I have the ability to make friendship with people wherever I go. Meeting different people from different parts of the world has changed my view about people. It makes me think that people everywhere have the same common interests, goals and an ambition to succeed.

By Perry (Perry) on Tuesday, October 21, 2003 - 10:52 pm: Edit

I think you've made a good start on your essay, but you need to key the reader into several points: 1) where did you emigrate from (what country); 2) why did you and your family move to the United States; 3)what business or field did your father work in (I think adding this detail would add color to your account. Certainly the turmoil of your father being layed off and having to find work elsewhere must have been very difficult); 4)why did you stay in Fremont, CA for the first three months of your stay in the U.S.; and so forth.

Your essay is interesting, but is too descriptive and not introspective enough. Is it possibe for you to write more about your inner state of mind concerning twice relocating to other schools? Perhaps you could also explore more about the difficulty of trying to fit in socially after each relocation? If you wrote your essay more as an inner reflection of this painful experience, I think it would bring your essay to life.

By Bbstlchi (Bbstlchi) on Tuesday, October 21, 2003 - 10:53 pm: Edit

bump!

By Becks777 (Becks777) on Wednesday, October 22, 2003 - 06:37 pm: Edit

thanks for the reply perry........but what exactly is introspective?.......and i think i have already exceeded the 600 words limit....so what sentences should i cut off and what should be added to keep the essay in limit?

By Perry (Perry) on Wednesday, October 22, 2003 - 07:19 pm: Edit

Becks -- in this case, it means write a little more about your perceptions and feelings; what was going on in your mind as these changes occurred. I think you already do this to some extent, but it seems you need to probe a little deeper. You do not need to write a major treatise, but as I mentioned above, you do need to clarify some points that leave the reader with a few questions (i.e. what country did you emigrate from; why did you emigrate to the U.S., etc.).

I think it is understandable that your circumstances must have left you feeling unsettled, perhaps feeling that you had no true home, wondering what would happen next, worried about your father. And then on top of this, perhaps you felt anxious at having to acclimate yourself to new surroundings, make new friends, and so forth. I think it would strengthen your essay if you explored these aspects a bit more. You might have to edit out some of the current essay to do so in order for you to meet the word limit.

By Becks777 (Becks777) on Wednesday, October 22, 2003 - 07:57 pm: Edit

Thats a great advice perry but i m trying to be not too neagtive....u know...too whiny...crying and all

By Becks777 (Becks777) on Wednesday, October 22, 2003 - 08:58 pm: Edit

So heres my reviewed paragraph of the essay.....i have tried to be as introspective as possible.

Late December, my dad got laid off from his job. Pretty soon he got a job in Chicago and the idea of changing schools again started haunting me. Having the maturity to understand the reason for the move, I wasnít ready for it emotionally. I was afraid of what lied ahead and unhappy about those who I left behind.
My first visit to the school didnít impress me ( I tried my best to convince my mom that my previous school too had state of the art gym facilities like this school, although it actually didnít!). Choosing courses at my new school did nothing but add to my frustration. The freedom to choose your own courses in America was taken away from me for the second time. Almost half of my year senior year classes were graduation requirements( Oral communications, P.E, Drivers Education). Oh, and did I forget to mention that I couldnít make the soccer team since I was late for the tryouts. And then came the D-day, my first day of school. A feeling of anxiety, depression and resentment overcame me. I felt lonely in a cheerful and jubilant high school world. It wasnít until after a week of school did I realize that now it was my turn to come up to people and talk to them. Surprisingly it wasnít as hard as I had thought. I am forever grateful to the people who helped me here including teachers, students and my parents. I began to love the diverse group of my school and all that a big city like Chicago had to offer. Meeting new people, making friends again gave me a feeling of confidence and a sense of accomplishment.


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