Is this essay too hokey?

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: Is this essay too hokey?
By Pookdogg (Pookdogg) on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 05:03 pm: Edit

This is a draft for an open-ended personal statement. Please tell me what you think!! Thanks!

A Bug’s Life

I perched the shiny golf ball on its tee, stepped back, and hungrily licked my lips. The early morning sun peeked shyly through the trees that guarded the narrow fairway, casting the grass in long shadows. I carefully selected my weapon of choice, my prized driver, my weapon of mass destruction, capable of hitting a ball almost twice the distance of the mightiest home run, almost three football fields away. I gently set the head of my club on the ground behind the ball, took a precautionary waggle. My mind had already set a target: a landing area of thinly mowed grass 270 yards away. A light breeze filtered through the golf course, but the world seemed to hold its breath as I began my cataclysmic backswing, poised to unleash this awesome power upon the hapless ball.
As I glanced at the ball one last time, I noticed something unusual: a small ant, oblivious to the fact that he was standing on a projectile, proudly prowled the top of the sphere, antennae twitching. For a split second, I tried to make the swing anyways, figuring that at least the ant would enjoy a great ride before the ground would dislodge him. I stopped, however, and backed off the ball, feigning irritation over an imaginary change in wind direction. The ant, still reigning on his dimpled, polyurethane throne, failed to notice incipient doom, still believing that he was in complete control.
At this moment, I unconsciously looked up into the sky, fearing in the back of my mind that a giant golf club would fall from the heavens and knock the ground out from underneath me. Predictably, nothing happened. This experience got me thinking, though, about the mindset of both the ant and myself. Like the ant, I almost always go through my daily life not thinking about the mind-bogglingly large Universe around me. What a medium-sized golf course is to an ant, the Universe is to me, and from an ant’s perspective, a golf course contains an infinite amount of wonders, from the multitudes of grass to the thousands of animal inhabitants, to the intricate design of every leaf of every tree. Likewise, this planet alone contains over 6 billion people, each with their own unique experiences and fresh perspectives. Each song has a different color, each mathematical equation an incredible precision and clarity. If one does not enjoy and marvel in what the Universe has to offer, he or she could very easily feel cheated when life ends up on the wrong end of the golf club. Ironically, this truth about the scope of the world came to me from a tiny ant sitting atop a tiny ball used in a trivial game played by a minority of the world’s population.
I picked up my golf ball and carefully directed the unwitting philosopher off of it. He began to set out into the wonders of his Universe, the Poppy Hills Golf Course. Taking in the fresh air, I set up again, readjusted my stance, took a precautionary waggle, and hit the ball far into the distance. I gathered up my golf bag and began to set out into the wonders of my own Universe.

By Pookdogg (Pookdogg) on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 06:28 pm: Edit


By Bnp182 (Bnp182) on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:18 pm: Edit

Well, this was the first essay i read all the way through, maybe it is just that I love golf as well. I liked it, but got a little turned off by when you started taking about some profound understanding you had. Maybe just stick with how you and the ant are similar, not what you learned from this experience, you know what I mean.

Well, 270 yards isnt bad, nor is Poppy Hills for that matter. You live in California, right? Well, where do you usually play, maybe I have seen you around. I have not played Poppy Hills though.

By Pookdogg (Pookdogg) on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 09:29 pm: Edit

Thanks for the feedback Bnp! Anybody else?

I live in sunny Monterey, CA, aka Golfing Mecca. I've played Pebble Beach, Spyglass Hill, Spanish Bay, etc. I actually worked at Poppy for a time (free green fees = good times). I did get onto Cypress Point once. Maybe I should write an essay about that...

By Ariesathena (Ariesathena) on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 11:40 pm: Edit

I agree with Bnp. The essay is quite good overall. You lost momentum around the "Likewise, this planet alone..." section. Loved the part about the unwitting philosopher though - great line! Memorable.

By Perry (Perry) on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 08:21 pm: Edit

I liked the essay. I read it from beginning to end. I liked both your sense of humor and the idea of comparing yourself to the ant. Some of the sentences include too much hyperbole, however. The use of understatement often works much better in conveying humor and meaning. Overall, good job.

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