|By Televelis (Televelis) on Friday, October 17, 2003 - 06:26 pm: Edit|
I need critiques:
Participating in a sport was a bit like having various limbs ripped from their sockets and individually whipped in the fiery pits of Hell. Gym class (the climax of many students' days) was daunting to think about and agony to endure. In other words, I never intended to play a sport, even if the lack of exercise killed me.
When I joined the Ultimate Frisbee team my junior year of High School, the people who knew me best felt like they knew me least. The people who knew me a little felt as if they didn't know me at all. As for me, I didn't know who this fool attempting something remotely athletic was.
I had come after school one day to find a friend of mine and tell her about a speech team practice debate coming up. Knowing that she enjoyed chatting with her Frisbee coach, who was also an English teacher, I decided to pay her and the English teacher a visit.
Opening the door to the classroom, I expected a few students begging to have their grades lifted, a few tardy kids stuck in detention, and maybe my debate friend chatting with Ms. ******** (the aforementioned English teacher). What I saw was almost cult-like; it was as if they were worshiping a disc named Satan. The room was filled with Frisbee players - and it wasn't even a practice day! I decided to investigate further, my suspicions regarding the evil of sports being augmented greatly at the time. I made my way to some familiar people and asked what was going on. The response shocked me. Apparently this was not uncommon. Continuing to look around, I saw a video of an Ultimate Frisbee game being played in the corner of the room... and I liked it. Quickly admonishing myself for such blasphemous thoughts, I repeated to myself, "It is only marketing, it is only marketing."
The dissuasive technique failed. I was hooked. I went to find the coach (who was sitting at her desk, incidentally) to talk about joining the team. She was very supportive and asked what former sports I did. Finding out I had done none at all, she didn't seem dismayed. "That's okay! I'll teach you!" she said.
Playing Frisbee was a struggle for me. I started off behind everyone else in skill and it took me a while to catch up. Many times I almost quit or didn't attend practice because of it. I am not very naturally athletic, so it took me time and effort to become so. But all the self-prescribed mental torture I went through was worth it in the end. I was an Ultimate player, and I loved it.
|By Generick (Generick) on Friday, October 17, 2003 - 08:01 pm: Edit|
I like this essay a lot, it is one of the few I have seen here that is truly interesting to read. The humor is well written, and it adds to the story. However, it may help if you were to post the question provided, if there is one. The last paragraph might need some work, depending on the tone you want to take on. Otherwise, good work. It may also be short, if there's not a word limit, or you haven't met it. Or maybe it just seems like it was over too soon...
|By Televelis (Televelis) on Friday, October 17, 2003 - 09:17 pm: Edit|
Thanks for the feedback. The word limit is 500 and this is 450 words. I wrote it for the common app question: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." However, the option: "topic of your choice" is also available. I'm not sure how well it fits into the first topic, so I may just end up putting it in the last.
|By Televelis (Televelis) on Saturday, October 18, 2003 - 01:37 pm: Edit|
Oh, also, besides critiquing my essay, could anyone tell me which topic this falls under?
|By Polly (Polly) on Saturday, October 18, 2003 - 09:04 pm: Edit|
I really liked your essay, too. ;)
|By Neo (Neo) on Saturday, October 18, 2003 - 09:55 pm: Edit|
I liked it -- but talk a bit more about the satisfaction you derived from trying something
new, and finding out you were stronger than you'd thought. The last paragraph leaves
the reader hanging, because it's too short.
|By Y17k (Y17k) on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 05:16 am: Edit|
GREAT first 3 quaters, but your last paragraph falls apart for a bit
|By Asndfkas (Asndfkas) on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 11:04 am: Edit|
no i think it sounds so distracted, as if you weren't concentrating while you were writing it. and what exactly do u want to say? that you didnt want to play a sport but then frisbee seemed like an easy way to do so? (and then at the end of the paragraph you quickly try to add in some moral to make up for the lack of one in your story:
"Playing Frisbee was a struggle for me. I started off behind everyone else in skill and it took me a while to catch up. Many times I almost quit or didn't attend practice because of it. I am not very naturally athletic, so it took me time and effort to become so. But all the self-prescribed mental torture I went through was worth it in the end. I was an Ultimate player, and I loved it. "
i'd rethink the entire thing
|By Televelis (Televelis) on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 01:49 pm: Edit|
So far, I'm inclined to agree most with Asndfkas. My personal take on it is that it is an amusing story, but lacks any meaning. It doesn't really tell a lot about me, except that I overcame my laziness... but do I want to show that I had laziness to begin with? You know, it doesn't seem right.
And yeah, the last paragraph goes nowhere... you're right.
Thanks for all the input. Any other comments?
|By Freudboy (Freudboy) on Sunday, October 19, 2003 - 02:14 pm: Edit|
your essay is common and uninspiring. also, your religious diction makes it seem weird and out of place in an essay about 'ultimate frisbee'
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