UChicago EA Essay! Need feedback now!!

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: UChicago EA Essay! Need feedback now!!
By Folk_Hero (Folk_Hero) on Sunday, October 12, 2003 - 09:18 pm: Edit

This is for UChicago's short essay: "Tell us about a few of your favorite books, poems...." What do you think?

Ever since I was six years old, I have lived in her thin, tragic shadow. Pushkin at sixteen, Maya Plisetskaya as the Swan Princess and Sheherezade, Natasha Rostova at the window… All fairly quivered on the page, drawn in Nadya Rousheva’s spare, energetic line. Just a casual stroke or two with her pen, it seemed, and there appeared a springy, living, entirely whole soloing ballerina or playful nymph. The fragility of her line made me catch my breath.

Appropriately enough, the last drawing in her album is of Apollo catching Daphne in his arms just as she transforms into a tree. Nadya Rousheva died at the age of seventeen of a brain hemorrhage.

This teenage heroine has been my enemy and my inspiration. Coming back from the studio on some particularly bad nights, I would think bitterly that I needn’t fear such an end. My talent was not great enough for the Fates to bother with me. On good nights, though, I can capture, with all of Nadya’s spontaneity and sensitivity, the model‘s essence. On those nights, as I board the public bus to go home, I suck in the sharp night air and exult in the danger of balancing on perfection’s very blade.

By Folk_Hero (Folk_Hero) on Monday, October 13, 2003 - 12:20 am: Edit

bump... please comment...

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Monday, October 13, 2003 - 04:38 am: Edit

My first instinct is that it's very good. It comes across as very intellectual, which is especially good for a school like Chicago.

My worry is this: Unless the person reading your essay knows a lot about Russian literature, they're not going to know what you're talking about. Also, the beginning is a little bit confusing. After reading it a few times, I understand it, but I think you might want to make it a little more clear.

Also, explain what "the studio" is. Dance studio? Art studio?

One thing I really like is how you work in the public bus. It really makes you seem like a dedicated person who will do whatever it takes to feed your passion, even if it means riding the public bus on a late, cold night.

By Folk_Hero (Folk_Hero) on Monday, October 13, 2003 - 02:55 pm: Edit

Thanks for the advice.

Yeah, I made SURE to include that bus... It's a good hour longer to travel to the local CC by bus than by car, and after a few years of that, I thought I could legitimately put it in. :)

You're right, a lot of things are unclear. (It's an art studio.) It's so good to get an outside perspective.

I'm afraid it sounds arrogant at the end, but I like that sentence. I'll probably end up rewriting all of it.

Thanks again.

By Clickspring (Clickspring) on Monday, October 13, 2003 - 04:16 pm: Edit

wonderful for UC!

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Monday, October 13, 2003 - 05:46 pm: Edit

I don't think it sounds arrogant at all. It's ok to brag.

By Trojan1444 (Trojan1444) on Monday, October 13, 2003 - 08:19 pm: Edit

Folk Hero, can I email you my essays to critique? If so, what's your email? Thanks.

By Folk_Hero (Folk_Hero) on Monday, October 13, 2003 - 08:32 pm: Edit

Sure. It's not the one in my profile, it's folk_hero1600@yahoo.com I might be a bit slow, as I'm working on my own essays, too.

By Crazee8 (Crazee8) on Sunday, October 26, 2003 - 01:49 pm: Edit

Yeah, could I send you my essays to critique too? It would be nice to have someone else's perspective. You could send me your essays to critique too, if you want.

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