Xiggi- another copy of my second draft

Click here to go to the NEW College Discussion Forum

Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: Xiggi- another copy of my second draft
By Buzzy_8 (Buzzy_8) on Thursday, October 09, 2003 - 08:44 pm: Edit

as i said in the other thread, I was naturally drawn to spin football into this. (maybe a good thing (it's me) maybe a bad thing, i don't know)


Spoiled. No other word better describes the way I feel at this point in my life.

As the team bus takes me from the sanctuary of a five star hotel to the stadium of that weekís game it drives past row upon row of one-room shacks. Stray dogs, hobbling on three functional legs roam the street. Children playfully scamper around with dirt caked cheeks and clothes that clearly have not been changed or washed in days, while parents with faces older than their years stare blankly at the bus. Their sullen eyes dare you to gaze into them and see the struggle they have seen. Grandma, like a statue, stands on the roadside with an oversized basket far too heavy for her size, selling pumpkin seeds to anyone who will slow enough to acknowledge her presence. The veins in her arms bulge and the muscles appear strong and tight, as though they should belong to a teenage boy, and not an aging woman.

Once again this year, I find myself in the presence of the rich. Monterrey itself is arguably the wealthiest city in all of Mexico. It is easy to become blind to any problem of poverty when you all see are shiny new buildings, neon lights of massive movie cinemas, and sky-high prices in lavish shopping malls. Moving up the chain of status, within the city I study at the private institution Tecnológico de Monterrey alongside many of whom the vast majority of Monterrey residents would consider the ultra-privileged. To top it all off, I am a member of the universityís money guzzling American football team that expends a disproportionately high amount of funds in the name of traveling in comfort.

My situation has me feeling ambivalent. I am torn by the fact that, being a part of this type of team is what I have desired for so long. I have sacrificed so much for a sport that, coming from a microscopic high school, I never had the opportunity to experience a team that had the resources it needed, and received the attention of the public. You donít trudge your bike through harsh Wisconsin winters at four in the morning in order to lift in the neighboring schools weight room, without the dream of becoming part of something bigger. You donít daily walk out of the weight room ragged, with skin that no longer fits, and the feeling you were just hammered by a heavyweight boxer, without a vision in mind of someday being with a program that lets reap the rewards of your sacrifices. The team in Monterrey is allowing me a glimpse of what I always wanted. From top to bottom it is a professionally run organization. The facilities are great, the coaches are knowledgeable, it takes care of its players, and the community is supportive. On the other hand however, the lavish lifestyle feels extremely uncomfortable in this setting. It has me asking myself the questions of whether I am deserving of this, and in the grand scheme of things, how important are the things I sacrifice so much for? What good is a football game to the family that scours for food in the repulsive, discolored, mess left by the garbage truck on the doorstep of their home, literally within the dump?
While my passion for the sport remains unchanged, from these graphic firsthand experiences I am quickly learning valuable lessons on keeping things in perspective.

By Perry (Perry) on Friday, October 10, 2003 - 08:00 pm: Edit

There is something good in your essay. A few comments:

1)In reading your essay, I was curious as to what a kid from a small town in Wisconsin was doing in Monterrey, Mexico. You should explain this to your audience. What brought you there; is it an annual trip? Why?

2)In the first or second sentence, you should key the reader into what sport you're talking about. You don't mention that it's football until the end of the second paragraph.

3)Try to eliminate extraneous words. For example, in your first paragraph, second sentence, get rid of the word "functional." It adds nothing and detracts from the imagery of your sentence.

4)Try rewriting your first sentence; break it up if you have to. It's too unwieldly and awkward.

Got to go...

Report an offensive message on this page    E-mail this page to a friend
Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.

Administrator's Control Panel -- Board Moderators Only
Administer Page