** NEW ESSAY** First Short Draft





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: ** NEW ESSAY** First Short Draft
By Raindrops (Raindrops) on Monday, October 06, 2003 - 12:02 am: Edit

It's my second essay posts here, and it's really short. Now I'd rather have a short one and keep on adding than cutting off a long one. Constructive critism really appreciated!

TOPIC: Describe an experience that affect your academic interest.
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Not believing in failures, my dada has always been a man of handwork. When his business became a victim of economic slump a few years ago, his perseverance awe-struck me. Although we did not live together, from out conversations I knew that he could barely make ends meet. For that period of time, he lived on cheap break and cold tea, yet he remained an optimistic but not fanciful view on life. His hard work eventually paid off, of course, and his business was up running again.

Once, when we looked back, my dad gave credit for his persistence through that time of hardship to his love of being a businessman. “I often find deceits and coyness along the way, and there are more obstacles than a non-business person can imagine,” he said, “but I love it anyway.” From that moment on, I have designated my goal to be a business woman, like my dad: intelligent, honest, diligent, and just loving the job.

Routinely I would read business sections in newspapers and would come across some references to UT Austin’s business college, such as “Professor so-and-so from UT Austin states…” Hence for quite a while now I have been wanting to attend the business school, believing it can help me achieving my dream. Plus, after my brother began attending UT Austin last summer, I am now more firmly convinced that it is the business college for me.

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WORD COUNT: 237!!!!!

=P I think it's the shortest draft I've ever written.

By Raindrops (Raindrops) on Monday, October 06, 2003 - 07:22 am: Edit

bump?

By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Monday, October 06, 2003 - 09:40 am: Edit

Although we did not live together, from "out" conversations I knew that he could barely make ends meet.
out should be "our".

"yet he remained an optimistic but not fanciful view on life"-This should be written as- "Yet he maintained an optimistic but not fanciful view of life".(That's if you really want to keep this sentence.)

His hard work eventually paid off, of course, and his business was up running again. -This should be
"Of course his hard work eventually paid off and his business was up and running again."


These are a few of the grammatical mistakes I noticed.

Raindrops - I know that it's frustrating to try to cut down a long essay but that's anyday better than writing a short essay and then increasing it's length.

By Xiggi (Xiggi) on Monday, October 06, 2003 - 12:37 pm: Edit

Rain~

If you plan on keeping this essay, it will need work. Try to avoid phrases like "I have designated my goal". Keep it simple and direct. "my dream is to become a businesswoman, ..." sounds better. Also, "such as “Professor so-and-so from UT Austin states…” " is very weak. Get the name of A professor and make sure to get an exact quote.

However, you may want to rethink the way you answer the prompt. The idea is to describe one of YOUR experiences,not your dad's experience. YOU life has been interesting, especially with a move from Taiwan to ... Belize. It is not everyday that ones reads about an English-speaking country in Central America! Refrain to write about your dad and HIS life, even if it is compelling. Look in YOUR life and let your heart speak.

By Raindrops (Raindrops) on Tuesday, October 07, 2003 - 05:53 am: Edit

=) Thanks you two for the suggestions. Xiggi, I'll try to see what other aspects of MY life influenced me...


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