Rip apart my rough draft for columbia like a MUG





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: Rip apart my rough draft for columbia like a MUG
By Ceetotheizzle (Ceetotheizzle) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 12:53 pm: Edit

Antidisestablishmentarianism- can anyone tell me what this word means? A room full of blank stares- just what I had expected. This word is the longest word in the American language. (How will these mere high school students at a 3rd rate school ever know?) "Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" I said with a sardonic tone quoting a witty line from the movie Rush Hour. Then I heard a noise, a sound that was actually detectable: That's Jackie Chan ... funny movie- hehe. Amazed I glanced at the direction the resonance came from. For the first time, I saw someone similar to myself- someone that I could relate to.

That day began my perennial visits to my grandparent's hometown in a very rural part of China. I was only twelve at the time. My grandparents had been well- respected teachers of the city's only high school for my years. Being the only "outsider" who has ever visited the city, I was gladly offered a position to teach English to a group of high school students. I initially took on the job as merely something to pass by time.

And thus, I half- heatedly walked into the room only to be returned with half-hearted stares. The students were like a group of confused deer and I was the headlight. Until that time, I had limited contact with people from my own racial background. Back in the U.S., my only connection with my heritage was through my parents and my little sister. I thought these people were more illiterate than my little sister in English. Boy was I wrong. Upon the mentioning of Jackie Chan, I immediately thought: How in the world did they ever see that movie? Perhaps I do not know enough about them. Perhaps I do not know enough about myself.

As days passed on, I felt a better connection with these students. They eventually showed me the store where they sell multitudes of bootleg American movies to pacify my disbelief. I was in awe. Another day I told them the story of The Three Little Pigs. Though I was sure they have heard the story millions of time, each one of them still looked at me mesmerized- for they have never heard the story told in English from a fluent English speaker. I felt as if I was their president for a day- giving a powerful public lecture. A few students were even fanning me because the classroom was so sultry. I was a instant celebrity. I never knew Chinese people had an affinity for American culture. They knew so much about American culture and yet I knew nothing of Chinese culture- my own culture.
When I went back to America, I saw a different person in me. I got involved in the Greater Memphis United Chinese Association and even helped my parents organize and establish our local chapter. I gave my time organizing and volunteering at various Chinese social events. Though they are not extraordinary deeds, I still do them with a big heart. It is the sum of all little things that make a big difference. It was almost necessary- my heritage was calling on me. I was calling on myself.

Every year I go back to visit my students in China, I see them take on a new eagerness to learn English. One girl even corrected me by saying that " Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis" was the longest word in the English language. Though trivial information, I was still proud of her eagerness- her attraction to the language of another culture. As the years passed by so did most of the students. Some got into prestigious colleges and even very high scores on the TOEFL examination. I was proud of them as well as myself. Through teaching them about another culture, I learned a lot about my own. Though I am proud to be an American, I am yet prouder to not forget who I am.

By Chrysanthemum (Chrysanthemum) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 01:15 pm: Edit

i like the topic very much because i can relate.

By Ceetotheizzle (Ceetotheizzle) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 02:13 pm: Edit

I guess the themes in my essay are:
1.) The powerful play goes on and I may contribute a verse
2.) The teacher becomes the student
3.) We need not live in our own microcosims. Life is a system of interactions.
4.) The quest for self- identity

All common themes but I believe that I approached them in a unique manner.

What do you guys think?

Also how do I get rid of all of those "I's" They are killing my essay.

By Chrysanthemum (Chrysanthemum) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 02:19 pm: Edit

Why does everyone say "Is" are bad? I like how you got your message across well, and still kept it short. I have never mastered that skill.

By Noshiksagoddess (Noshiksagoddess) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 02:32 pm: Edit

Well...it's sorta a "Trip" essay. And Antidisestablishmentarianism is no longer the longer word in the English language. That title belongs to PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS, a lung disease.

By Thenarrator (Thenarrator) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 02:44 pm: Edit

lol, can u imagine going to a hospital with that disease? someone with that disease would die of it before pronoucing the name. lol.

By Ceetotheizzle (Ceetotheizzle) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 03:58 pm: Edit

How is the essay like a typical 'trip" essay? Though many people go on trips to visit their motherland, few have an opportunity to teach at a foreign high school.

By Chrysanthemum (Chrysanthemum) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 04:45 pm: Edit

yeah that's true, now that I thought of it, i read someone elses that was about trip to their homeland of haiti, and they talked about how they realized the stereotypes and that it was a beautiful and culturally rich place.

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 04:49 pm: Edit

A few grammatical mistakes and a little inconsistency, but overall a good essay.

By Chasgoose (Chasgoose) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 05:05 pm: Edit

If you went to the hospital with PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS, you wouldn't say you had PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS, you would say "I think i've got the black lung (the lung disease affecting coal miners)" as it is more commonly known.

By Ceetotheizzle (Ceetotheizzle) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 09:04 pm: Edit

more comments?
On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the best what would you give it

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 09:25 pm: Edit

7. The topic is wonderful, but the writing--especially in the second half--needs a little more work. Also, I'm not sure if you should mention the part about the "fanning." It seems a little weird, ha.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 10:29 pm: Edit

Well, this essay is crap. Actually, it is beyond crap. I mean, I just can't stand you from this essay. You like down on these people like you are God and they are simpletons. I am so pissed off because you are so god damn arrogant!!! I need some time before I can list the hundreds of flaws in your essay without freaking out.

--How fortunate we are to get to live in YOUR world.

YOU GET A 1 FOR THE SHITTIEST ESSAY I HAVE EVER READ. I MEAN YOU SHOULD JUST TELL COLUMBIA THAT THEY ARE LUCKY TO GET TO ACCEPT SOMEONE AS AMAZING AS YOURSELF!!! WHAT THE ••••!!!!

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 10:30 pm: Edit

I changed my mind. I am not going to help you with your essay. I think an elitist like you deserves to be rejected from every school. Then you can understand how ordinary you truly are.

By Valpal (Valpal) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 10:39 pm: Edit

Hsimpson, that was just plain uncalled for. I think I can count on one hand the number of essays you don't trash. If there's anyone here with an "ego problem", it's probably you...

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 11:07 pm: Edit

A)Maybe I do have an ego problem, but this essay is still trash.
B)Yes I am harsh on essays, but this is the most worthless crap I have ever read.
C)I will explain how much is wrong with this essay by just analyzing the first paragraph.

She starts out the essay with the biggest word in the ENGLISH language, btw American is not a language, as many people seem to believe. Then she actually explains it as if she is the only one that knows this word. Then she says that these kids don't go to a high school nearly as good as hers and can't be expected to know anything like this. (Even though this is something learned by grade-school kids.)Then she says a quote from a movie that she doesn't expect anyone to have seen. 1) This joke is based on Chan's inability to pronounce words well, so it is pretty much directly making fun of these kids. 2) If she doesn't think anybody understands it, isn't it kind of dumb to be saying it? She uses sardonic a 10 dollar word for bitter sarcasm. GREAT WORD, huh? She also uses resonance, it's as if she thinks we will be impressed that she can use big words that are out of place! This essay is garbage.

BTW, IDK IF THIS IS A GIRL, BUT W/E.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 11:08 pm: Edit

Double post.

By Bnp182 (Bnp182) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 11:13 pm: Edit

ouch X 2

By Neo (Neo) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 11:27 pm: Edit

I agree with Hsimpson2k4. Cetotheizzle, You make it seem as if you're the only educated Chinese individual on Earth.

Shame on you.

By Valpal (Valpal) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 11:29 pm: Edit

At least in your last post, you outlined very specifically the problems inherent in his/her essay. I don't disagree with your specifics, but I do think that you take entirely to much pleasure in being nasty. Tact is a very useful skill to acquire and master. It will stand you in good stead in both business and personal matters.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Sunday, October 05, 2003 - 11:33 pm: Edit

"you take entirely to much pleasure in being nasty"
-agreed

By Ceetotheizzle (Ceetotheizzle) on Monday, October 06, 2003 - 12:01 am: Edit

Hey... takes for the "rippage" of my essay- esp. Homer Simpson here- seriously.. it was some major rippage. It probably is a •••• essay anyways and i only spent two hours on it. But I thought it was a unique way to approach a universal theme dealing with multicultures.

In response to Hsimpson2k4: "She starts out the essay with the biggest word in the ENGLISH language, btw American is not a language, as many people seem to believe. Then she actually explains it as if she is the only one that knows this word. Then she says that these kids don't go to a high school nearly as good as hers and can't be expected to know anything like this. (Even though this is something learned by grade-school kids.)Then she says a quote from a movie that she doesn't expect anyone to have seen. 1) This joke is based on Chan's inability to pronounce words well, so it is pretty much directly making fun of these kids. "

I agree that I used to be an elistist and that everyone lives in my world and as if you're the only educated Chinese individual on Earth. . HOWEVER, if you read on towards the last two paragraphs I've explained how I changed that view.

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Monday, October 06, 2003 - 12:06 am: Edit

I'm sorry, but the entire essay is still crap. You are applying to an Ivy League, that doubles this essay's crappiness. Ivies are aware of their reputation for having snobs, why would they want to accept an openly snobby kid like you?

By Gagner (Gagner) on Monday, October 06, 2003 - 12:26 am: Edit

HSimpson - right on! We should definately put these elitists snobs in their places! I mean seriously, what WERE they thinking? How dare they have the audacity to apply to Ivies when their puny little minds write such pretentious essays? They are so dumb, aren't they - those elitists.. ugh!

Seriously though, I like this essay. Maybe it's because I can relate to it. You were twelve and teaching? That's cool. Regardless, to a twelve year old - the universe revolves around them. The fact that you later realized your ego blinded you redeems any "elitist" attitude. Make sure you point out that startling realization of how ignorant you were in assuming they were ignorant. That's an irony you don't want to throw to the side. Make sure you emphasize that. Otherwise, this essay may very well seem pretentious to simpletons.

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Monday, October 06, 2003 - 12:46 am: Edit

I agree with Gagner. I meant to mention it before: work on the last two paragraphs to show them, blatantly, how much you've learned and changed since then, and how silly you were to be so condescending in the beginning. This topic is very good, and you've approached it well in the beginning, but it needs a little more push in the end to get the point across.

By Ceetotheizzle (Ceetotheizzle) on Monday, October 06, 2003 - 10:33 pm: Edit

thanks, i talked with my teacher today about it and she agrees. Maybe I went to far with the elistist thing...

By the way Hsimpson.. could you give me an example of an essay that would qualify as a ten or something that is not crap according to your opinion... perhaps a sample of your own essay?(i'm sure it is "uncrappy" and superb) Much will be appreciated sir

By Gigglz (Gigglz) on Tuesday, October 07, 2003 - 02:10 pm: Edit

ceetotheizzle: dude, i think it's an amazing essay. some of the grammar could use a little work & i guess SOME of it might sound elitist [depending on who's reading it], but besides that, it's awesome.
the rest of em are just jealous. =P nice job on asking Homer bout his own essay hahaa

By Hsimpson2k4 (Hsimpson2k4) on Tuesday, October 07, 2003 - 04:00 pm: Edit

My essay is no ten, it is a 6, 7 at best. If you want to read a 7 essay, it was the one about a journalist applying to Harvard. That was a 10. I never said my essay was amazing, I said your essay crap.


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