PLEASE CRITIQUE MY ESSAY :-)





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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: PLEASE CRITIQUE MY ESSAY :-)
By Ndbisme2 (Ndbisme2) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 06:36 pm: Edit

Here's the link:

http://www.geocities.com/chita100/acpass.html

Please let me know everything that you think about it. The prompt is "What is your academic passion?"

I have been told to stop mentioning my teacher so much and start mentioning more about my academic passion. I am going to work on that more.

Please be brutally honest. Let me know what you like, what you don't like, what I should change.

Thanks!

By Crnchycereal (Crnchycereal) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 06:56 pm: Edit

First, I have to ask if English is your first langauge. Also, to which schools are you applying? I sure hope none of the Ivy's...The mechanics of this paper contain too many mistakes and often read too choppily. I'd also have to agree with whoever said you shouldn't concentrate so much on your teacher. What you've done is describe (in my opinion, poorly) your teacher and your class. If you really want to go with concentrating on your teacher, make him come alive. None of the details make me feel anything for you or your teacher. The language also seems pretty weak...your attempts at a detailed narrative near the beginning don't quite get off the ground and it doesn't work. Don't talk so much about your teacher and try to focus on one specific incident that demonstrates your passion for history/politics. Say something about yourself!

By Carolyn (Carolyn) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 08:41 pm: Edit

Yes, less about your teacher. This essay sounds more like it's answering a prompt about someone who's had a major influence on your life than it does about your passion for history - Try starting with the part about The Jungle and describe how the meat-packing industry conditions made you feel in more vivid detail --- and then go from there into why you love history. I also agree with the above poster, you need to work on the spelling and grammar. It's Eleanor Roosevelt, for instance - and a potential history major needs to get things like that right. Good luck.

By Willis (Willis) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 09:01 pm: Edit

Stop using so many "I"'s...some adcoms actually discard an essay after reading so many I's (not an urban myth...I read that in "On Writing the College Application Essay", a book I suggest the author of this essay to read)

Add some variety to your paper by combining some of your sentences. Stop concentrating on the stupid details, like the things you notice upon walking into the school. One of my english teachers always says, "magnify the moments that are important, shorten the ones that aren't".

Use a heavy dosing of metaphors...in fact, be creative and make up your own. This really adds to your paper.

By The_Slc_Bug (The_Slc_Bug) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 11:20 pm: Edit

What? She didn't use *that* many "I's." There were paragraphs where she didn't even have an "I" in there. You have to have enough in there to make it personal.


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