Criticize my new essay!

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Discus: College Admissions: 2002 - 2003 Archive: October 2003 Archive: Criticize my new essay!
By Sturmstiger (Sturmstiger) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 03:15 am: Edit

I never expect my first contact with the media could become an unpleasant experience. In a class break of August 21st, one of my classmates came in shouting ¡§Chenbo, you are on the newspaper! ¡¨ and handed me a copy of Zhongshan Daily of that day. I knew it would come since I was interviewed about two months before as the only student representative of ¡§New Century Youth of Zhongshan City¡¨, but I didn¡¦t expect them to exaggerate my honors in the report. They changed my first prize in NOIP (National Olympiad of Informatics) into ¡§The champion of national information competition¡¨ in the subheading and add several things like ¡§won several prizes in National Olympiad of Chemistry and of Physics¡¨ (I had participated in chemistry and physics competitions, but never win any national award). I was sure that I answered their question accurately and clearly, so how can they present false information about me to the one million people in the city?

I went to the vice-principle¡¦s office right after school that morning. ¡§Chen¡¨, he said, ¡§We are also shocked after we read this. You aren¡¦t the champion of a ¡¥national information competition¡¦, are you? ¡¨ I explained that there wasn¡¦t such competition and also told him the other awards which didn¡¦t belong to me. ¡§Don¡¦t worry, we¡¦ll inform Zhongshan Daily and get things right.¡¨ I was a little relieved after I came out from the office: they will get things right.

But they didn¡¦t. The newspaper printed a tiny single-sentence notification the next day that corrected the subheading of the report, but ignored other exaggerations that are as serious. Again I came to the vice-principle¡¦s. ¡§Their chief-editor came to our school yesterday afternoon and apologized to the principle for their mistakes. So it¡¦s over, further corrections aren¡¦t necessary and you should go on with your study.¡¨ They apologized to the principle so it¡¦s over? No! There is still false information left in the report, uncorrected, which will continue to hurt me and mislead the readers. I went to my head teacher and my coach of the OI training for help, but their respond are amazingly similar: ¡§If the vice-principle said it¡¦s over, it is over.¡¨

Receiving no help from the school, I decided to ¡§make it right¡¨ myself. I called the journalist who interviewed me that day. ¡§Sorry, it¡¦s the editor who made some of the changes of the report. You may call this number of detail.¡¨ And I called that number. ¡§If you want to make corrections on today¡¦s newspaper, you should call the news department¡¨. So I called the news department. ¡§We can¡¦t make any more corrections. I think we have reached such agreement with your school. You see, kid, these mistakes are nothing important. Nobody will try to find out whether you won the national or provincial or city award in a competition several years ago.¡¨ I can¡¦t believe such word came from the editor of the official press of the city, who should pursue truth in every report. I never feel so helpless when truth was standing with me.

In the following days, I learned that admitting mistakes would hurt the image of the newspaper and would consequently harm the relationship between the official press and our school. "You may do what you think is right, but don¡¦t expect to get an ideal result", a teacher told me. "Eppur Si Muove", said Galileo. I know what I should do: No matter what others may think or what the final result may be, I should still do what I believe is right.

So I wrote two letters, one to the chief editor of Zhongshan Daily and another to the Youth League City Committee (the organizer of ¡§New Century Youth of Zhongshan¡¨), requesting the correction of the exaggerations. And until today I have got no response from them. But I did what I believe is right.

(This is my new essay, the old one is in the thread " Help:My essay(1st Draft)".How do you think of the two? Thanks.)

By Y17k (Y17k) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 09:04 am: Edit

no emotion.... AT ALL....

you need more 'flare' in your esaay

By Alimshk (Alimshk) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 03:29 pm: Edit

I got an idea. Scramble all the letters in this essay and form new words to make a new essay . . . heck, you don't have to even spell the words right, it'll still be better than this one.

By the way, this essay is crap. You brag, complain, and lack any kind of emotion whatsoever.

By Sturmstiger (Sturmstiger) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 08:41 pm: Edit

More flare? I think I can do that.
Crap Essay? If that's true, I'll have to write another one.
So please make more comments so I can see which way should I go.Thanks.

By Briteeyez4322 (Briteeyez4322) on Friday, October 03, 2003 - 10:02 pm: Edit

the poster who said that this is a "crap essay" is lying. It's not THAT bad. It does seem a bit didactic (is that the right word...) but the idea of upholding your moral values could work. I think you need to emote more in your writing and make things more about how you felt, not just what you did. Overall it seems like it could go places! Good Luck :)

By Sturmstiger (Sturmstiger) on Saturday, October 04, 2003 - 03:19 am: Edit

To Briteeyez4322:
Thanks.Alimshk is not neccesarily lying, but your comment is really valuable to me.

By Rashmi (Rashmi) on Saturday, October 04, 2003 - 09:10 am: Edit

You need to put a lot of emotion in to this essay. Show how strongly you feel about always being truthful. You could mention an incidence or two where you knew that the truth would hurt you, but you still went ahead with it.
The idea is good, but your essay is merely an account of how things happened step by step. Initially did any of your batchmates think that you had lied to the newspaper guys???(Because that's what came to my mind first) If yes, they must have jeered at you. You could write about that.
You need to show the reader how strongly you feel about it and how it affected you.

By Crystal_Baller (Crystal_Baller) on Saturday, October 04, 2003 - 02:46 pm: Edit

it sounds like you brag too much. the first paragraph made me think you were a snob.

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